another goodbye

I guess I am at a loss for words because there is so much to say and yet it is all so difficult to verbalize. How can I really explain where I am coming from. What I am feeling. What my goals are. Does it even matter.

I have been thinking about this since your first email in January. And I decided to just ignore your attempts and hoped you would get "the message" and stop. But I guess my silence was not definitive enough. Left an open door. Or maybe just a window. And it seems like it was my subconscious way of not having to do anything. Of never actually making a decision. I know I am not making any sense. (My specialty.)

What I guess I should tell you is that I do wish I could have you in my life. But after we stopped talking in June, it was very hard. Very painful. But I understood. The reasons we had then - made sense. They were for the best. And I moved forward. And now you've sorta opened the possibility again and I  have kept weighing all the options. And nothing has changed. Well I have changed. I have changed my life. Made smarter choices. Real choices. I finally see a future. And I am working toward it. And, (here I will say it), while I really care for you, about you, (and don't shoot me - but miss you), it's not what's best for me. I need to live in reality. And there's no way you can be part of that. So, yes there are great memories. An insane connection. But this will just end badly again. We CANNOT give each other what the other needs. And that is the bottom line. There is no casual friendship in our cards. We are not capable of it. It will get heavy and then painful. Look how painful it is now.

I don't know if I am making any sense. And I told myself I would write a concise email. But I know that I owe you some detail. I don't hate you. Anything but. I want only what's best for you. And I only have good thoughts when it comes to you. So don't think that this decision came lightly. And that it's not hard for me. But in the end of the day, I have to choose myself. My future. And not something that might make me happy now. Instant gratification.

So my request is that you delete everything and let me go. That you understand where I am coming from. And respect my decision. Our decision. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. It's not what I wish I had to say. It was all real and I remember too. But it is the past. And has to stay there.

Please.

Goodbye.

Nowhere. Fast.

I just have to say that I don't get it. What does god want from me. 

You think that you work hard. Get your life together. For the most part. And he just sends you a reminder. That he's in charge. 

Why do I not place blame in the correct place. Selfish. 

People are selfish. They think of themselves. And not others. Do not consider the consequences. The results. The effects. 

And yet. I still blame god. For being that puppeteer. Playing me like a marionette. 

Not letting me have a break. To live. In peace. 

But seriously. You know better. Answer me why. It's not ok. 

Don't look to me to make your life better. As a distraction. I am not a pawn in your game. I am a free agent. And I call the shots in my life. 

So take my advice. Make smarter choices. Don't be led by your temptations. They'll get you nowhere. Fast.

Don't Reach Out

Please stop messaging me.
I have turned my life around
Living a positive and productive life
Surrounded by motivating people
Making smart decisions
Trying at least
And I can handle no distractions
I have cut out all the toxic people
Or environments
So I am sorry
I cannot be in your life
I cannot have you in my life
It is not good for me
I know this sounds classic
It's not you, it's me
But it is the truth
I must do what is best for me
No matter the costs
I apologize for my harshness
But you and I both know
That no good will come from this
So please don't reach out to me again
I wish you luck with your life
But it can't be my focus
I have enough on my plate
And that is what I need to to focus on
Thank you for understanding

The common denominator

Honestly. Yeah. It's obvious that you don't "get what that means." That I'm the crazy one. And yet, you are insensitive. Constantly insensitive. You have your life and I have mine. Right. And you all wonder why I stay away. Why I don't come around. Why I have secluded myself. Make it about you. So you're always the one who needs to be accommodated. What about everyone else. When do I ever factor in. Does it even occur to you. Have you even noticed me. My life. My lack of life. Do you even know what is happening. What I'm going through. Are you so wrapped up in your own life that you have no room to notice me.

I know I'm blowing this stupid, idiotic thing out of proportion. But it really bothers me. I feel like I'm always cutting people out of my life. And I know that it must be me that's the problem. I'm not delusional to think it's "everyone else." I know it's me. I know that I'm the common thread. The common denominator. I must be the difficult one. The problem. And yet I still feel that I've always been drawn to "difficult" people. That I can only connect with complex and complicated people. Others who have gone through challenges. And those that are basic and uncomplicated don't really last in my world. But then again, the difficult ones end up being pushed out. So who's left. 

I've learned a very important lesson in recent years. One that I wish I would have understood years ago. Friends and maybe even people are not a given. A definite. Forever. They do not last a lifetime. Or better yet, it's ok for them to not last a lifetime. That doesn't necessarily say bad about me. It says it's reality. People change. Situations change. Life happens. And holding on to the past is not the healthiest or wisest thing. It can be damaging. Crippling. So I've let go of a lot people. And for certain individuals, it's caused me a lot of pain and heartache. I've obsessed about it. Had many sleepless nights. Felt very alone. But truthfully, I'd rather be alone than feel drained from others. Maybe that makes me sound depressed or severely introverted. Call it what you like. It's a defense mechanism. It's how I cope with this reality. 

Problem with my way of life is that it's very empty and quiet. It's a self induced loneliness. No one to turn to. Talk to. Or hang out. No one to call me out on my stupidity or hang out with on a carefree day. It's an unwilling choice. I'm the one who limits myself. Creates this world that  I cannot live in or seem to escape from. I've crippled myself. 

It's a few hours before I turn one year older. And as usual, I have this feeling of doom. An underlying emotion of misery. What do I have to show for my life. Another year has passed. Nothing has changed. I have not moved. Haven't budged. Lost more people. Recreated the wall within myself. A blockade. An emotion-free life. No expectations. No feelings. Nothing. An emty shell. 

Happy Nothing-Day.

Don't bother Reading this - it's about someone else

M
Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking. Like there's no floor. Like my head is in a fuzz. I wonder if it's my actual depression taking over. Taking control. Or is it just my head hurting. Should I feel like crap all the time. Is it my own doing. Not sleeping. Should I be miserable all the time. Feel like a ticking time bomb. About to go off any minute. Am I this person. Was I always this way.

T
I don't like it when you look at me like that. When you think I'm pathetic. That my life is so sad. Don't ask me for a hug. You don't know me. You see this outside persona. A controlled being. Yes, I come off as strong-willed. But it's all a show. I'm not real. I hide. It's how I survive. I function. You think I need to be mothered. Well, no duh. Maybe I should self-mother. What a load of crap.

D
I judged you. I always judge you. You have destroyed. Who are you. Am I just like you. A bad person. Hurting people. Ruining lives. Just like you. Everything you touch. You destroy. You used me. You use everyone. You are selfish. You made me distrust. And now where are you. Why do you have space in my brain. Why do you continue to live life. While mine is always on pause. Continuously on hold. How can I still blame you. Think about you. When you are the past.

R
It was too much. Drama. And I know I am one to talk. But I couldn't carry your burdens. Your emotional baggage. I care. I'm sorry. Your life was too complicated. I needed space. You didn't understand. My depression. I had to hide. That's not a friendship. I care. I am hypocrite. But I come first.

E
You live your life. You have a life. I was just a glimpse. Momentary. A friend. Intense. But now what. Everyone leaves. Always. There's no point. Where is the decency. Where is the justice. Don't bother. The TV is my real friend. You were just a facade. I never needed anyone. Vulnerability is dangerous. It opens you. To pain. To sadness. To rawness. To feel.

N
You don't occupy space in my head. You don't matter. Not at all. I am free. Completely.

Seriously. Like I said. Don't bother Reading this.
Any similarity to someone you know is just a coincidence.
Move along.

Poof

I sit here reading her response. And I'm just bawling my eyes out. Although, I was just waiting for that thing that would tip me off. Push me over the edge I was standing on. Unravel me. She always has a way with words. And I guess I'm just so vulnerable right now. Yeah me. Vulnerable. Shocker. Who would believe it. There's nothing that's right. Nothing feels ok. No stability. Pain in all directions.   Misery and sadness swallowing me whole. Sadly, I wish for a hug. A need for some comfort. A bit of love. Maybe some attention. Perhaps affection would do me some good. But alas, it is not there. Does not exist. Not an option. Not for me. Nope. Instead, I drown in my own sorrow. Suffocate in my own emotions. Disappear a little bit more each day. Until poof. I will cease to exist.

The Truth Hurts

Hi S,

I'm sorry that I didn't respond and have not been in contact. It means a lot to know you are thinking about me. It's hard for me. I know that's not an excuse. As life has never been easy. For me. Or for anyone. Especially you. But it's definitely on the difficult side now and I am holding on by a thread. Therefore, it makes being "open" and "keeping in touch" very difficult. 1. I have nothing good to share and I try to avoid complaining. 2. I feel as if I have disappointed you. You have always seen the good in me and truly feel that I have all this potential. And I have flat out failed. I haven't accomplished. So it becomes easier to just keep to myself. To not reach out. It's a cop out. But it's less threatening. I'm not sure if anything I am saying is making any sense. I look around this life. Mine. Those around me. And I see pain. Sadness. It's pretty hard for me to relate to any happiness at this point. And that is a sad thing to admit. 

Thanks for always being there.

R

Delusional Friendships

Her email- 

R, 

I don't know how to word this and I am debating in my head if I should write it at all. But, it has been bothering me for a while and if anyone can help me I think it's you.

I really enjoyed my friendship with Z, and felt that we were very close friends. It seems that all of a sudden one day the frienship ujust turned off. I want to figure out how I hurt her so I can try to make amends, it really eats at me that our freindship ended so abruptly. I am not expecting to "pick up where we left off", I just want to right any wrongs I did. 

I was wondering if you had any insights that could help me piece this together? I don't want to "drag you" into something 1) because I don't think there is a "something" and 2) you have enough on your plate. I just know that you are very aware of people's feelings and know me and Z well enough to hopefully be able to help. 

Please don't share this with Z, or anyone else. I have tried asking Z but she brushed me off. I don't think you asking her "head on" would help either, but again, if you had any insight I would really appreciate it.

My response -

Hey,

Sorry I haven't had time to respond.

I wish I could really help you. Honestly, I  don't know. I think it's natural for friends to grow apart. It's definitely a hard reality. But isn't that life? I'm not sure what happened between you two. I really try to stay out of everyone else's business. It's just a simpler and less dramatic way to live.

I do know that every single one of us has not had the "easiest" life and sometimes taking space is the only way to function. Less painful than opening up to those around us. I know that I have taken that approach.

I'm sorry if I can't be more help. Sometimes, I miss the days when we were younger and more naive. When life was "simpler" and we were all just getting together for a potluck. But sadly, and maybe realistically, those days are behind us. We have all had to grow up. And that's part of life.

I guess the question is "now what?"  And for that I definitely do not have an answer.

R :)

A Response

I've thought a lot about what to write to you. I've wanted to respond for months. There's something stopping me. Pride maybe? I can't admit that my life is hell. I can't verbalize it properly. And I can't justify it or downplay things. That's what I would end up doing. I can't pretend that everything is ok. That I'm ok. I would be lying. I'm struggling and I can't ask for help. I don't know how. I refuse to admit defeat. I have to keep up appearances. The outside world has to think I'm strong. I must fool them all. The problem is that I couldn't fool you. I couldn't fake it around you. You saw right through me. And that scared me. And now I've taken too long. Let it go too far. And I don't know how to fix things. Repair a broken bridge. I think about it daily and yet I haven't done anything about it. Now what?

Don't worry, this is about someone else

When you hang up and realize how alone you are

When tears of desperation spring from your face

When your friends call you to babysit their kid so they can watch a movie 

When your whole body hurts 

When you can't be bothered to get dressed 

When you wish you would die in your sleep

When you have your funeral planned 

When there's no hope 

When you are 80 years old 

When you are everyone's rock 

When you've stopped talking to everyone 

When you have nothing left to say 

When it all ends 

Walking Out

So I planned this whole girl's night for all my friends. We've been trying to plan this event for a few days. Going back and forth. One person throwing out ideas and everyone else throwing them down. Each person needs to be accommodated. No one wants to spend money. Then they have to arrange a babysitter. Work around the husband's schedule.

We finally agree on a plan and one person says it's too expensive. Let's all go over to her apartment and rent a movie. Seconds later, one by one, girls start backing out of original plan. So I get annoyed. Why can't we ever just go out. Just us girls. No kids. No husbands calling asking how to change a diaper. I get one girl to say she's still sticking to the original plan and then I say the same. All of the sudden, everyone is back in.

I pick some people up. I'm so excited. Finally a girl's night. Doing something different. Something fun. Stepping out of the box. And then we're all sitting there. The movie starts. And I want to puke. Nudity. Drugs. Language. I feel utterly sick. This isn't how I want to be spending my time. These are not images I want in my head. 

I spend half the time covering my friend's eyes. And we're whispering. We both want to leave. But I drove three people here. And only one other person drove. There's only two cars. Eight people. So I convince one other friend to leave. And in middle of the movie, we walked out. 

I know that they'll talk about me. That I made a big stink of sticking to this plan. But I honestly didn't know what this movie was about. I didn't know it would be this disgusting. It's not something I find ok. Not behaviors I would promote. So why would I want these images to be in my head. 

Man plans and God laughs.

Good-Bye Again

D. 

I write this with a heavy heart. I try to be a kind person and contrary to what some might say, I don't like hurting people. I try to be gentle and cautious with other people's feelings and hearts. So telling you this is not easy. I don't mean to cause you more harm. And it hurts me that I have to do this. But at this point I don't feel there's any better option.

I can't watch you ruin your life. I can't be a part of your life. You have continued to make poor decisions and for some reason they affect me. When I ended things the first time, I did it in a vindictive and nasty way. I was angry then. I hated you. I felt you ruined my life. I was over-dramatic. And I spent so much time willing you not to exist. Erasing the past. Pretending it never happened. It was the right thing to end it. I did it in the only way I knew how. But it was wrong how I did it. I couldn't be sensitive then. 

And then a few years ago I decided the only way I could actually forgive you and move on was to talk to you. To bring up the past. Hear your take. Analyze things to death. And to forgive you. I forgave you. I forgive you. But I have never forgiven myself. Talking about those days takes me back. It won't let me move. It makes it hard for me to function. It's an unnecessary distraction.

I fight every day to be happy. To be healthy. And talking to you is not helping my goal. It's pushing me back. Causing me harm. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. And while I know I could probably help you and be there for you. You have never been able to be there for me. And now I have to choose me, once again. I have to say good bye. This time I say it in a soft and gentle way. I say it with concern and care. For both of us. But I can't sink. I must choose to swim. Even if that means I'm causing you to drown without me.

Good bye,

R