Friday, February 12, 2016

another goodbye

I guess I am at a loss for words because there is so much to say and yet it is all so difficult to verbalize. How can I really explain where I am coming from. What I am feeling. What my goals are. Does it even matter.

I have been thinking about this since your first email in January. And I decided to just ignore your attempts and hoped you would get "the message" and stop. But I guess my silence was not definitive enough. Left an open door. Or maybe just a window. And it seems like it was my subconscious way of not having to do anything. Of never actually making a decision. I know I am not making any sense. (My specialty.)

What I guess I should tell you is that I do wish I could have you in my life. But after we stopped talking in June, it was very hard. Very painful. But I understood. The reasons we had then - made sense. They were for the best. And I moved forward. And now you've sorta opened the possibility again and I  have kept weighing all the options. And nothing has changed. Well I have changed. I have changed my life. Made smarter choices. Real choices. I finally see a future. And I am working toward it. And, (here I will say it), while I really care for you, about you, (and don't shoot me - but miss you), it's not what's best for me. I need to live in reality. And there's no way you can be part of that. So, yes there are great memories. An insane connection. But this will just end badly again. We CANNOT give each other what the other needs. And that is the bottom line. There is no casual friendship in our cards. We are not capable of it. It will get heavy and then painful. Look how painful it is now.

I don't know if I am making any sense. And I told myself I would write a concise email. But I know that I owe you some detail. I don't hate you. Anything but. I want only what's best for you. And I only have good thoughts when it comes to you. So don't think that this decision came lightly. And that it's not hard for me. But in the end of the day, I have to choose myself. My future. And not something that might make me happy now. Instant gratification.

So my request is that you delete everything and let me go. That you understand where I am coming from. And respect my decision. Our decision. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. It's not what I wish I had to say. It was all real and I remember too. But it is the past. And has to stay there.