Nowhere. Fast.

I just have to say that I don't get it. What does god want from me. 

You think that you work hard. Get your life together. For the most part. And he just sends you a reminder. That he's in charge. 

Why do I not place blame in the correct place. Selfish. 

People are selfish. They think of themselves. And not others. Do not consider the consequences. The results. The effects. 

And yet. I still blame god. For being that puppeteer. Playing me like a marionette. 

Not letting me have a break. To live. In peace. 

But seriously. You know better. Answer me why. It's not ok. 

Don't look to me to make your life better. As a distraction. I am not a pawn in your game. I am a free agent. And I call the shots in my life. 

So take my advice. Make smarter choices. Don't be led by your temptations. They'll get you nowhere. Fast.

Rant

Seriously. That's what you are going to say.You do not want me to respond. Because it won't be pretty. I won't be that quiet soul you think you met. Maybe you should grow a pair. Of balls that is. Because you don't know me. No one puts me in a corner. Or defines me. I don't fit into a neat little box. I am limitless. And you do not call the shots. Maybe you should look inward instead of pointing fingers. Did you ever think that it might be you that's the problem. Maybe you should look at your pattern. And get a clue. Don't you dare make assumptions about me. Or label me. I am not yours to comment about. Open your eyes. Or smell the coffee. Whatever. You are not worth my time.

Eat your food. Don't wear it.

I've been watching this show. I don't know why but it kind of fascinates me. Each episode shows two points of view of the same story. The first half shows the man's story and the second half shows her version of what happened. They are wearing different clothes, the conversations are different. It is their own unique story.

It makes me think of life. Of how we interact with the world around us. People in our lives. We each walk around with a bubble surrounding us. We are each the center of our own world. And everyone else is playing a part in it. And there are billions of bubbles all trying to interact.

I recently had an experience where I should have followed my gut. I let people talk me into doing something that I knew deep inside that I didn't want to do. But for the good of the cause. Possibly for my future. I agreed. What a waste of time. I knew it wasn't right. But I went along with it. To make them happy. Not to be rude.

This is my bubble. And I know better than to ignore my gut. This was a wonderful reminder of what I want. And do not want. A reminder that I make my own decisions. Without unnecessary advice. Or influence. This is my story. I can be choosey about who I let in. And that is ok. There are no rules.

So heads up. I am not a bitch. And I am not quiet. I won't waste my time. I will speak if I find it necessary. And have fun when I feel comfortable. No one will put me in a box. Label me. Or force me into their bubble. This is my show. My world. And I will decide.

Organized Chaos

This blog is my diary. I can look back and see the last 5 years documented in ink. Organized chaos. I write when I am angry. Sad. Agitated. Introspective. When there is a big or momentous event coming up. Or passed. It's pretty rare for me to write when things are going ok. Status quo. And there are times like that. When I am managing in this life. Holding shit together. Not sure I would call it happy. Maybe satisfied. Surviving. And that may sound negative. But I (partially) mean it in a positive way.

I write to let things off my chest. Because most of the time I can not share what I really think with others. Choose not to. I write in a blunt manner. Say it how I see it. How I feel. But then there are times I can not be honest. I hide behind the words. Cryptic messages. Beat around the bush. Because even though you don't know me, I am still cautious. Sometimes scared to reveal myself. Rip off that outer layer. For fear of being recognized internally. Apprehensive of the vulnerability.

There are so many unfinished drafts. Of writing. Indicative of real life. The thoughts are there. They come at random times. Driving. In the shower. When I shut off technology for the night. That's when I'll come up with my best thought-processes. Begging to be written down. But somehow, the minute I sit in front of my computer and open the blog option on my phone. The inspiration evaporates. Disappears from my head. As if it was never there. And sometimes, I'll try to write. A sentence here or there. But it's filled with emptiness.

There are topics that I completely avoid writing about. Or I write in code. Sometimes they are places I would rather not dig through. Or situations I cannot analyze. Pretend they don't exist. Harmful or traumatic experiences. You would look at me and feel bad. And I can't bring myself to share.

But in truth I am doing all right. A close friend called me stable the other day. And I realized she was right. I have mainly conquered my demons. Made some smart choices. Leading a good and honest life. My emotions and feelings are under control. And I've realized that loyalty is most important when it is to myself. It's taken me almost thirty years, but I finally put me first. I matter.

It's possible I won't fast on Yom Kippur. I didn't last year. And I feel no guilt. I am doing what's best for me. And not letting religion or guilt dictate my life. Other people no longer control me. Nor does the fear of the unknown. People in the past may have always thought of me as controlling. But in truth, it was me who was controlled. I lived a caged life. Stuck. Hiding. And now I am done. I will live however I choose. In my own comfort zone. With no apologies.

So there.

secrets secrets are so fun

I have a confession to make
I like secrets
Privacy
Keeping things to myself
Not sharing with others
Certain others

Sometimes I even lie
To others
To their faces
And I say that I lie to myself
But that is not true
It's false

I am very honest with myself
Totally self-aware
Maybe too much
I know what I am doing
What I am feeling
What I want

I play a part
Wear a mask
A cape
To maintain an illusion
Make the world think one thing
When it is not necessarily true

I make decisions
Plans
Lead my life
Without input
Or advice
Without anyone knowing

I am who I am
Despite everything
And everyone
The walls
And blockades
In Spite of it all

Your advice is unwanted
Commentary can be hurtful
Words are unnecessary
Keep your thoughts to yourself
I am not interested
Makes no difference

So cheers to my secret
It is only mine
For me to screw up
Or possibly succeed
It's mine
My Secret

A Letter To My Sister

Dear D

I can’t believe that I am actually writing this letter. But here goes. You are finally 18. Finally going to Israel. Taking the next step in your life. You have waited for this for so long. Independence. Freedom.

There’s so much that I could tell you. But I don't really have the words. A long history. We both know. We were always so close. Fighting together. Side by side. Dealing with life. But things happens. And that’s part of life. It’s ok. It makes us stronger. And one day we'll look back and laugh. I know, no one ever likes to hear that but it’s partially true.

I hope you know that you can always count on me. That I'll always be here for you. A phone call away. And now a plane ride away. I'll always worry about you. And care about your wellbeing. I might say things you won’t like. But that’s what big sisters are for. Support. Love. I even pray for you. (And that’s saying something.) I want the best for you. I know you can do it. And I believe in you.

Here is my advice and wish for you:

You gotta believe in yourself…And not let things hold you back…Not your situation…And especially not people…Make sure to always surround yourself with happy people….Who will be a positive influence on you….And that you will be a positive influence on them….Make sure to be a loyal person….And always follow your gut….Your heart….You know what is right….Don’t let the past bring you down…Live in the present….Enjoy every moment….Because it will never happen again….Have a plan for the future….But don’t always wait for the next thing….You’ll miss out on the now….Get a good night sleep….That will make every day so much better…You will be a better, more stable person on a good night’s sleep….It’s ok to miss that late night conversation….Take every moment in Israel (in life) and soak it in….You will never have this opportunity again….Taste every food.…Take every class….Talk to every teacher….Go to every Shabbos experience….And go to a therapist….Tell him/her what you really feel….And work through things….Don’t hold back….This is your opportunity….Your chance….Don’t let it slip by…Before you blink, it will be over….And real life will hit you.

Just remember that you are strong. And kind. And that you can do anything you set your heart to. I will always be rooting for you. I am your big sister.

I love you very much. And I’ll miss you a lot.

Love,

R