Tuesday, February 25, 2014

"I am not..."

I'm listening to Israeli love songs. The music breaks my heart. The Hebrew words are so beautiful. So raw. Yearning. I try to find meaning in this life. I aim to feel joy and happiness. Purpose and fulfillment.

I have been following this "what I be" campaign. Basically this photographer has been taking pictures of people with a word or statement written on their body with a black sharpie. Each person revealing and unleashing a different insecurity that they hide from the world. I can't stop looking at the pictures. What word would I choose. What statement would define me. The first word that comes to mind is DIVORCED. My statement would be "I am not my trust issues." Or how about ALONE, followed by the statement "I am not my depression." I could go with ANXIETY and say "I am not my suicidal ideation." I think this photographer is brilliant and is effecting tremendous change in the world through this movement. 

I think about the fact that I should be pursuing dating. And yet I can't make myself do anything about it. Going to shadchanim. Saying yes to profiles. Judging a book by its cover. A first phone call. All makes me want to puke. And that's even before going on an actual date. The prospects are embarrassing. Pathetic. Almost worth it to be alone. Almost. 

Going to a new neurosurgeon tomorrow. The saga continues. Can't escape it. A routine appointment. Still have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. What will be. Have I been through enough. Have I not put in my time. Suffered enough agony. How long can this life go on. How long can life go on this way. At what point do I get swept under the current. How long can I tread in this ocean. 

One more day. One foot in front of the other. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

devour me

You didn't listen
I told you no
I tried so hard 
To end things 
I was hoping 
You would get the message 
Let me off the hook
Do the right thing 
Be the stronger person 
You kept talking to me 
It wasn't over 
I couldn't stop 
I needed one more second 
You wanted more time
Saw that I was weak 
You sat around the corner 
I went against my morals 
I walked to your car 
I got in the passenger side 
We were silent 
Like we knew each other 
For a lifetime 
A magnetic pull 
Drawing us closer 
You drove to a parking lot
I kept shaking my head 
Knew this was wrong 
So very wrong 
But I didnt stop you 
I just wanted to be close to you 
Even for one tiny second 
I needed the attention 
I felt the desire
My body was shaking 
My heart was beating 
You said you just wanted to be near me
All you wanted was to touch my face 
It had been so long
Since I had felt anything 
Let alone touch
And then you touched my face 
You ran your fingers along my lips 
Pulled me towards you 
A small kiss
Your hands in my hair 
I knew we should stop
But I wanted more 
I craved more 
I needed you to touch me
To feel me 
But I kept sitting back 
Shaking my head
It was all wrong 
We were all wrong 
And then you drove
To a more deserted location 
And I felt your tongue 
I tasted your mouth 
Your hand tried to travel 
I stopped you
And then you held my hand 
I wrapped my fingers in yours 
I just wanted more 
I wanted you
I wanted you to want me 
To devour me 
But we kept stopping
Holding back 
A ticking time bomb 
About to explode
The desire was flooding the car
You laid on my chest 
You felt my scar
And your fingers tried to travel 
But I pulled you away 
We were on the verge 
Of insanity 
And then you got your bearings 
You buckled your seat belt
And drove me back 
I got out of your car 
And I kissed the window 
I left my lip print 
On your car 
So you would always see me there 
Never forget me
Or that moment 
And then I ran inside  
Guilt overwhelmed me 
But so did desire 
I wanted more
I wanted you
I got moments 
And they began fading 
Sporadic memory 
Of your lips on mine 
Your fingers on my face
Your head on my chest 
A moment that came and went
was reminded 
I was awakened 
I felt
I desired 
I was real 
During that entire moment
I was real
I was alive 
And then it was over

you get what you deserve

When you're stupid
You suffer the consequences 
End up alone 
A reminder 
Of reality 
Life hits you in the face 
You are stupid 
Ask for trouble 
Self inflicted pain 
No one else's fault 
But your own 
Cement your own destiny 
Define what your life 
Has become 
You are stupid 
Stupid stupid
You deserve nothing 
Pain and suffering 
Brought on yourself 
You will never 
Be happy 
Never be loved 
Never be appreciated
You don't deserve 
Deserve nothing 
Only pain and misery 
Self destruction
Sadness cloaked in numbness 
Pain hidden in avoidance 
Disappointment hidden in a smile 
You get what you deserve 
Lie in the bed you make
Buried in the grave you dig 
No wonder he left 
Everyone left 
Everyone leaves 
Because you don't deserve 
You are unworthy 
You are stupid 
He deserves better 
Better than you 
Because you are a failure 
You are bad 
You deserve to be
You are stupid 
One day 
Death will be welcomed 
A final peace 
Silence of the mind
Pain free 
Stupid free 
Life free 
You are stupid 
You get what you deserve 
The end 

Monday, February 17, 2014

A Worthy Self

Here's where I stand. I'm Confused. And yes, I'm going to make this about me. This is about me. This is my life. I'm the only one who has my back. There is no one else looking out for me. I have to take care of myself. Call me selfish if you want. I don't care. It doesn't bother me. I'll accept that label. I deserve to be selfish. I have never chosen myself. I have always chosen everyone else. I have lived my life choosing everyone else. And I have put myself aside. I have never been important. But if I have learned anything in the last few years it's that I matter. That I am important. Just as much as everyone else. If not more.

It's my time. I have to choose me. If I don't make myself important, I won't survive much longer. I won't make it through this life. I will continue to feel broken and bruised. And I deserve better. I deserve. I am worthy. I matter. So I choose me. I must protect myself and make smart decisions.

I choose to do the right thing. I choose to be a good person. I choose to be alive. I choose to continue to fight. To fight to be happy. To function. And not let this life I've been handed knock me down. I choose not to drown in my misery. I'm choosing me. I choose to look forward. To have a future. Because I deserve everything. I deserve it all. I am worthy. I matter.

And I will put myself first one day. And maybe today is that day. This moment. Right now. I take the first step. And one day, hopefully soon, I will be loved for me. I will be accepted and appreciated. For me. Someone will know me and accept me. Me. For who I am. I will be cherished. And desired. Treasured. I will be special. I will matter to someone else.

It won't be a fairy tale and it won't be a happily ever after. It will be imperfect. But it will be my imperfect. A life for me. It will be my life. Because I matter. And I deserve. I deserve great things. And somewhere deep inside, I believe. I believe in goodness. I believe I deserve. I believe that good can happen. It can happen to me too. Because I am worthy. I matter.

So I choose me. I am taking a stand. I am doing the right thing. No matter how difficult. This is my life. And I will not watch it pass me by. I will not be a passive passerby. I will participate. And live this life the best way I can. The only way I know how. I will make smart choices. And I will get up when I fall. I will not let mistakes swallow me. I will stand up and dust myself off. And I will continue on. I choose me.

Friday, February 14, 2014


“Courage isn't having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don't have strength.” ― Napoleon

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”   ― Frederick Douglass

“We acquire the strength we have overcome.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson

 “You are never strong enough that you don't need help.” ― César Chávez

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.”   ― Robert Frost

“My Life is My Message” ― Mahatma Gandhi

“The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn”   ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It's time to start living the life you've imagined.” ― Henry James

“To those who are given much, much is expected.”  ― Maya Angelou

“Your success and happiness lie in you.”   ― Helen Keller

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”  ― Dr. Seuss

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”  ― Virginia Woolf

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”   ― Albert Camus

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Thursday, February 13, 2014

tell me why

Alone again. A constant thought. The house is empty. Just me and my dad. Seems so familiar. Like we've done this before. The past is revisiting. Dejavu. Takes me back to a few lifetimes ago. When it was just me and him against the world. Fighting to survive. Fighting to function. Mother unwell. Once again. Me the only child. I lay in my bed. I listen to him talk on the phone. Call after call. Lots of concerned people. Calls to lawyers. Calls to insurance companies. Even a painful call to the funeral home. Gotta be prepared. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. What is this life. How did we deserve this. What are we supposed to do. How are we expected to function. To survive. Why. She's in a locked ward. Old, decrepid people surround her. She is the youngest by many years. Someone please explain to me what's happened. How is this my life. Where is the happiness and joy. Where is the youth and the energy. Where is love. Contentment. Peace. Tell me where. Where is the family. How can I feel like an empty nester and I have never even given  birth to a child. Tell me how. How is this my life. Don't I deserve better. Don't I. Is there anything left of this life for me. What about me. What will happen. How will I survive. How will I make it through. How will I pull through this life. How. Tell me.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Suffocate me

I've scratched my legs so much, they're covered in scabs. My thighs are covered in bruises. My anxiety is getting the best of me. My mind has taken over. Thoughts control my life. The past suffocates me. People overwhelm me. I'm alone. Always alone. I'm sinking. The life boat is out of reach. I'm sick of swimming. My whole body hurts. My mind aches. I'm so tired. I need a vacation. From life. From myself. I want to be left alone. I want someone to hold me. Someone to notice. Someone to care. Please take this burden off my back. It's weighing me down. It's killing me. Slowly. Not quickly enough. I'm so tired. All alone. Always all alone. Love doesn't exist. Not accessible for everyone. Unattainable for me. Destined for misery. Pain and loneliness. Sadness. Numb without emotion. Alone. Strong for the world. Weak in my heart. Failure. Alone.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Say my Name

It's not often I feel euphoric. Is that even a word? It's been a stressful and long week. I haven't been sleeping. I have no appetite. I'm overwhelmed and possibly numb.

But tonight. For the first time in a long time. There was a spark. A glimpse. One tiny rainbow. She said my name. Some sort of recognition. I was remembered. Known. 

Many people have told me in the past that I lack proper respect. That I don't follow the laws of kibbud av v'em. The concept has aggravated me for years. Most people don't even know the meaning of respect. Of honoring ones parents. Most people have never been through what I have been through. 

Earlier, I went to the hospital. I forced her into the shower. She was screaming and fighting me. That's when she yelled my name. I was so happy. It was the first time. And then once the hot water was hitting her body, she was so calm and peaceful. She was so grateful. I cleaned her and washed her hair. I shaved the side of her hair so her cochlears won't fall off. Then I dried her off, put a diaper and hospital gown on. I took her back to bed and tucked her in.
That is my definition of respect. That is my duty and job as her daughter. This is my life. My responsibility. You can't understand. You can't relate. You can't judge me. You have no idea. You don't even know the half of it.

This is reality. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Like the movies

You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. 

When everything feels like the movies. 

You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive.