Sunday, July 20, 2014

Migraine Cocktail

Once again
Back in the ER
5 pm
Uncontrollable pain 
Mechallel Shabbos 
Left alone 
Fend for myself 
Waiting room
Blood drawn
No good veins 
Migraine cocktail 
11 pm
Waiting room 
Psychiatric patients
Homeless people
New iv 
Back to the waiting room  
Dilated eyes 
Bright lights 
2 am
Seeing grey 
More doctors 
Another consult 
4 am
Wide awake
Back to waiting room 
Remove iv 
Discharge papers 
6:30 am
Never ending 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

6 years

6 years ago today
I was a bride
Walking down the aisle
Led by both my parents 
Big white gown
Veil covering my eyes
Walking towards a man I loved
A man I planned to spend the rest of my life with
A man I committed to with all my heart
6 years ago today
I was hopeful
I had faith
I believed in something great
I believed in love
I even believed in myself
6 years ago today 
My new life began 
But then it ended 
Was no more 
The carpet was ripped from under my feet
6 years ago today
Was a different lifetime 
A facade 
An illusion 
A figment of my imagination 
6 years ago today
I was a fool 
6 fucking years

Tuesday, July 1, 2014



A week in the life....

So it's been an interesting life so far. Specifically this week. But then again, what else is new? It's never boring. Never a dull moment. And it's probably better off that way. I don't know if I could handle a quiet life. That would probably force me to deal with reality.

Sunday. Went boating with my sister. That was a fun experience. Not. I love driving to the lake. Windows down. Music blasting. Hair flying. I sang out loud the whole trip. She said not a word. Then, silence in the kayak. The weather was fabulous. I refused to let her mood get to me. Drive home. Silent. 

Later on, I drove to SS. Figured I should drive to him this time. He came to me the first two times. We went bowling. Awkward. Then went out to eat. You figure that you're about 45 minutes away from home. Privacy. Secrecy. Nope. My neighbor is behind us in line. A "friend" and her family are sitting in the back corner. As we continue our awkward conversation, an actual friend walks in with her family. I mean, seriously. Can't a girl get some space. 

Monday. Went painting with friends. Politics. Making a statement. Very obvious move. I had a blast. It felt great that others knew where I stand. Let them wonder. 

Tuesday. Went swimming. Ahhh the sun is truly my friend. Super relaxing. Rushed home to shower. Off to the rabbi with father and sister. Talk about an experience. Oh, Na was there too. After all, she runs our lives. Can't leave her out. Topics of discussion. Internet. Texting. Oh right. Communication. Or rather, lack there of. How do you spell "silent treatment?" Wait, what. Denial is our friend. Yay. How do we leave off. Oh yeah, going to a family therapist. Woot woot. Can't wait. 

Wednesday. Finally had a conversation. Been avoiding. Over thinking. Mutually agreed it wasn't the right fit. No chemistry. No desire to open up.

Went to Al-Anon for the first time. No, no one in my family is an alcoholic. Well, not really. Went for the experience. To hear others' stories of living in dysfunction. Yup. So that was enlightening. And slightly draining. No actually, really draining. Adults who are perpetuating and repeating the past. Super fun. 

Received an email from "friend" asking for help. Yup, I know what happened. How could she not. Totally delusional. She's said things to me that have hurt. So clueless. Wrapped up in her own world. Not my problem. Gave a vague, non helpful answer. No response. Oh well. 

Thursday. Out to dinner. Practicing communication. Food shopping. Off to basketball. Amazing. Finally. Run. Pass. Shoot. Three pointer. That's what I'm taking about. 

Friday. Work my ass off. Nursing home. Paint my nails. Finally.