Monday, February 29, 2016

Cry for the Future

I am always so composed
Hold my real emotions inside
The deep dark ones
That no one really knows about
Would scare them if they did
The ones that control me
That I think about day and night
No break
Control my every moment
Suffocate me
In silence
The cup is not full
Or Empty
There is no cup
It is missing

I cried for the first time
In over a year
I cried tears
Real tears
Flinging around
My mother
Is in the hospital
She will not open her eyes
Cannot hear me
Register I am in front of her
Holding her hand
Stroking her face
My tears are dripping on her
And she does not notice
My mother
Who I never visit
Never appreciate
May never wake up
And now it's too late
I may get my wish
And be an orphan

My father
Now he is another story
Does he even realize
He is suffocating me
Killing me slowly
Day after day
Year after year
Does he even notice me
He walks out of the room
As if I do not exist

I sit there
And I cry
I cry for the past
I cry for the present
And I cry for the future

Sunday, February 14, 2016

an orphan with living parents

How do you write about something when you've been avoiding facing reality for so long. How do you open that wound that has been so neatly packed. Danced around for so long. What do you say when you don't think anyone is listening. And if they are, you know they can't handle what you have to say. What do you do when you are afraid of your own humanity. Your own reality. The power. The sadness. What do you do when the sadness takes over your life. Threatens to swallow you whole. Suctioned to another place. Six feet under. How do you verbalize those words. Capture those deep emotions. Where do you place that self awareness. How do you keep going.

I am an orphan with living parents. I am alone. I am surrounded by people but I am alone. My parents are living and breathing. But they are not here. They do not know me. They do not want me. They are selfish. They never really looked at me. Seen me for who I was. They used me. Abused me. And left me to rot. All I wanted was to be loved. To be welcomed. To be wrapped in their hearts and never let go. But they were distracted. Consumed. And I was left to fend for myself. I am left to pick up the pieces. Of my shattered soul.

You have abused your power. You were supposed to be there. Love me. Hold me. Guide me. You held the blueprints to the future. And instead you shunted my growth. You altered my reality. You forced me into roles where I did not belong. I took on everyone else's burden. But no one was there to protect me. You abandoned me. I am abandoned. And now all I feel is a void. An emptiness deep in my gut. That cannot be filled. You were supposed to be the parents. You were my example of how to navigate this complicated world. And you failed.

All I ever wanted was unconditional love. And support. And you couldn't even give me that. A basic need. My human right. Everything with you comes at a cost. A hefty price. Sanity is not an option. You don't care if I make it through the day. If I ever materialize to be something real. You have sucked me dry. Corrupted my thoughts. Controlled my mindset. Your voice echos in my brain. Saying nothing helpful. I lead my life in fear. Of others' knowing me. Of myself. Of never amounting to anything. Because you never believed in me. You didn't even give me a chance.

And now you have robbed me of my anger. The only defense mechanism left. There's no more hiding. Or avoidance. The truth has finally surfaced. Hit me in the face. You are toxic. You were never good for me. No matter how hard I try to find another conclusion. I can't. There is no choice. I can't survive with you in the way. You missed out on knowing me. Of being in my life. Of making a positive impact. I am an orphan by choice. Because although you are biologically my parents. You don't deserve the title.

I am an orphan with living parents. It's not something anyone wants to hear. It's not something I want to say. But I can hide from it no longer. I am an orphan with living parents.

Friday, February 12, 2016

another goodbye

I guess I am at a loss for words because there is so much to say and yet it is all so difficult to verbalize. How can I really explain where I am coming from. What I am feeling. What my goals are. Does it even matter.

I have been thinking about this since your first email in January. And I decided to just ignore your attempts and hoped you would get "the message" and stop. But I guess my silence was not definitive enough. Left an open door. Or maybe just a window. And it seems like it was my subconscious way of not having to do anything. Of never actually making a decision. I know I am not making any sense. (My specialty.)

What I guess I should tell you is that I do wish I could have you in my life. But after we stopped talking in June, it was very hard. Very painful. But I understood. The reasons we had then - made sense. They were for the best. And I moved forward. And now you've sorta opened the possibility again and I  have kept weighing all the options. And nothing has changed. Well I have changed. I have changed my life. Made smarter choices. Real choices. I finally see a future. And I am working toward it. And, (here I will say it), while I really care for you, about you, (and don't shoot me - but miss you), it's not what's best for me. I need to live in reality. And there's no way you can be part of that. So, yes there are great memories. An insane connection. But this will just end badly again. We CANNOT give each other what the other needs. And that is the bottom line. There is no casual friendship in our cards. We are not capable of it. It will get heavy and then painful. Look how painful it is now.

I don't know if I am making any sense. And I told myself I would write a concise email. But I know that I owe you some detail. I don't hate you. Anything but. I want only what's best for you. And I only have good thoughts when it comes to you. So don't think that this decision came lightly. And that it's not hard for me. But in the end of the day, I have to choose myself. My future. And not something that might make me happy now. Instant gratification.

So my request is that you delete everything and let me go. That you understand where I am coming from. And respect my decision. Our decision. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. It's not what I wish I had to say. It was all real and I remember too. But it is the past. And has to stay there.



Monday, February 8, 2016

Sarcasm is A bitch

Once upon a time there was a girl named Olive. She lived in her perfect little world where everything was amazing. She was surrounded by butterflies and unicorns. Money grew on trees. Her family and friends all adored her and appreciated all her many great qualities and talents. She was happy and healthy. Life was fabulous. She just emanated joy. She had a future. And lived every moment of her present.
The end.