Sunday, May 7, 2017

2 Months

Feelings are a complicated thing. You feel them. And avoid them at the same time.

Claim to be numb.

But sometimes cry your eyes out. Pillow soaked in your sleep.

2 months seems like a short time. But it feels like ages.

So much has changed.

I am mother-less. An orphan.

Two months ago. I had a mother. And today I do not.

I will never get to hold her hand again.

A cemetery is just a place. She is not really there.

Bones. Underground. A temporary marker with a name and date.

I know I should go on my own. But I am scared of what I will feel.

I want to lay on her. My head on hers. My legs on hers.

I want to crawl inside the box and lay with my mother.

I miss my mother.

Ma. Why did you leave.

I write this and tears fling down my face.

This is why I have avoided writing. Painting.

Anything that involves real emotion.

Ma. I miss you.

Everything is different.

A lot of good thing things have happened. And I can't share with you.

You are not here. You are gone.

Some painful stuff. I wish You were still here.

So I could crawl into your bed. Lay with you.

2 months ago. I buried my mother.

I saw her for the last time. Placed in a box. Placed in the ground.

My mother is gone. And I have to keep going.

Ma. I miss you.

1 comment:

  1. I am so so sorry for your pain> I am sitting here crying with you. Feelings are hard and scary. Good for you for expressing them and putting them down. That is so hard and so important. I think of you daily!