Ma

Mother. Is an abstract concept. A given. Everyone has one. Or do they. Biological. Part of humanity. Society. Way of life. But is it. Some do not choose it. Others forced. Precious few are deserving.

My mother wanted me. She waited and waited. Let down one too many times. She suffered. Suffered for years. Much heartache. And then I appeared. Tiny but not really. A bundle of joy. Surrounded by difficulty. Constant suffering.

Ma. Mommy. Imma.

Where are you. Why does this keep happening to you. To us. I just don't understand. How are you able to withstand all this pain. All this sorrow. Ma. I wish you knew who I was. I wish you were my real mother. I wish you could make everything ok. Make me ok.

I can't look at you. So pathetic and sad. So small. How did we get here. How did this become our lives. How could I have thought we hit rock bottom so many years ago. And look at us now. Broken. Alone. Ma. Where are you. Open your eyes. Can you hear my voice. Blink.

Where is the justice. On your birthday. Is God mocking. Playing the evil puppeteer. We are helpless marionettes. Ma. Wake up. Breathe. Take those precious breathes. Fight. Don't leave me. I can't live without you. I need you more than I have ever realized. So what if you weren't perfect. You were still there. And maybe I wasn't always there. Still not. But I knew where to find you.

Your hand has always been warm. You always smiled when you saw me. I am your first. My voice is the one you always recognize. I am your original. Been there through thick and thin. Ma. Please. I'm sorry. Sorry for this life you've had. Sorry for all the pain. Sorry I haven't always been there. I'm sorry.

If it's your time. Then let go. It's ok. We will all understand. We just want you to be calm. At peace. Pain free.

Ma. I love you. Mommy. I need you. Imma. Forever your daughter.

The common denominator

Honestly. Yeah. It's obvious that you don't "get what that means." That I'm the crazy one. And yet, you are insensitive. Constantly insensitive. You have your life and I have mine. Right. And you all wonder why I stay away. Why I don't come around. Why I have secluded myself. Make it about you. So you're always the one who needs to be accommodated. What about everyone else. When do I ever factor in. Does it even occur to you. Have you even noticed me. My life. My lack of life. Do you even know what is happening. What I'm going through. Are you so wrapped up in your own life that you have no room to notice me.

I know I'm blowing this stupid, idiotic thing out of proportion. But it really bothers me. I feel like I'm always cutting people out of my life. And I know that it must be me that's the problem. I'm not delusional to think it's "everyone else." I know it's me. I know that I'm the common thread. The common denominator. I must be the difficult one. The problem. And yet I still feel that I've always been drawn to "difficult" people. That I can only connect with complex and complicated people. Others who have gone through challenges. And those that are basic and uncomplicated don't really last in my world. But then again, the difficult ones end up being pushed out. So who's left. 

I've learned a very important lesson in recent years. One that I wish I would have understood years ago. Friends and maybe even people are not a given. A definite. Forever. They do not last a lifetime. Or better yet, it's ok for them to not last a lifetime. That doesn't necessarily say bad about me. It says it's reality. People change. Situations change. Life happens. And holding on to the past is not the healthiest or wisest thing. It can be damaging. Crippling. So I've let go of a lot people. And for certain individuals, it's caused me a lot of pain and heartache. I've obsessed about it. Had many sleepless nights. Felt very alone. But truthfully, I'd rather be alone than feel drained from others. Maybe that makes me sound depressed or severely introverted. Call it what you like. It's a defense mechanism. It's how I cope with this reality. 

Problem with my way of life is that it's very empty and quiet. It's a self induced loneliness. No one to turn to. Talk to. Or hang out. No one to call me out on my stupidity or hang out with on a carefree day. It's an unwilling choice. I'm the one who limits myself. Creates this world that  I cannot live in or seem to escape from. I've crippled myself. 

It's a few hours before I turn one year older. And as usual, I have this feeling of doom. An underlying emotion of misery. What do I have to show for my life. Another year has passed. Nothing has changed. I have not moved. Haven't budged. Lost more people. Recreated the wall within myself. A blockade. An emotion-free life. No expectations. No feelings. Nothing. An emty shell. 

Happy Nothing-Day.

Meaningless Milestone

I'm numb. No I'm not. I feel. No I don't. I'm crazy. No I'm Not. My mind is spinning. No it's not. I need to be held. No I don't. I need be touched. No I don't. I need to be wanted. No I don't. I am in control. No I'm not. I'm happy. No I'm not. I need. No I don't. I wish to be numb. No I don't. Yes I do.

I sit here and wish I could formulate my thoughts. My feelings. I wish I could let out what is dragging me down. Why I feel so deflated. What is going through my mind. Why I feel so drained. Is it just another meaningless milestone. Is that what this feeling is. A momentary feeling. One that will pass. Will I be fine in a few days. Or is this just my usual. Up and down. Realizing my reality. Life hitting me in the face. Internal emptiness. Eternal sadness.

Why can't I verbalize the truth. Why can't I admit it to myself. Say it out loud. What I want. What I need. Deserve. Who I am. Why do I put myself in this box. In this cage. Why am I alone. Right now. Tonight. Right this minute. I put myself here. I have no one to blame but myself.

Where is the inspiration. Where are the people. I know they are there. I know they care. But I feel so removed. Distant. I am floating away. Another year. Another day. Emptiness.

I want to feel. I want to feel. Everything. Something. Love. All of it. I want to smell. The world. See. The beauty. Touch.  I want to be. Taste. Life. Every drop. I don't want to miss any of it. I don't want to be numb. Not anymore. I want to be. To feel. Open. To the world. To life, To Love. To opportunity. I want. I need. I want.

And that's ok.

Here's to another year.