Sunday, December 29, 2013


I sit here listening to Avraham Fried live
I'm reminded of all that I've lost
And all that I've given up
Of opportunities I'll never have 
That I let slip between my fingers
That I handed over to another 
More capable
More willing
Than me
I handed over on a silver platter 
Ripe and ready 
To live a life
I was not ready to live
I sit listening 
To music of the soul
And feel the life I will never have 
A life that goes on without me
Moving forward 
Very quickly 
While I stay still 

Congrats on living the life you always wanted. Congrats on baby number two.

Dripping With Anger

You're gonna say that I'm a bad influence?
You're gonna put this all on me?
I'm to blame for your behavior?
Are you kidding me?
Who keeps this family glued together?
Who makes sure everyone is taken care of?
Who? Who?
Who steps in when you decide to shut down?
And what have you done? 
You've shut yourself down
And you have the audacity to blame me!
Are you for real?
You can't even have a conversation
Instead you act like the toddler that you are
Avoid the people in your life
Your allies
Your support system 
Have I not been your sounding board for the last who knows how many years?
Have I not been the mother for your children that they never had?
Have I not stepped in for the wife that you never had?
Have I not been through hell in back and dealt with it alone?
Without parent
Without support 
Without love 
Do you even know what I've been through?
What I've overcome?
Who I was and who I have become?
Do you know me at all??
I'm a bad influence? Really?!?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Killing Us Slowly

I can't deal.

My sister is laying in her bed crying. Crying off and on for the last hour. I tell her I love her. But she still cries. She is so mad at my father. Her father. This is the girl that rarely shows emotion. She's crying. 

And I lay here in the dark. Absent of emotion. Numb. I envy her tears. I desire her outburst of emotion. I feel apathy towards him. For myself. But for her, I want to strangle him. Shake him awake from his deep sleep. Make him apologize. Fix this mess he has caused. 

My sister is crying. And it's all his fault. His neglect is damaging our lives. It is ruining the balance of our home. Killing us slowly. 

And she continues to cry. 

Walking Out

So I planned this whole girl's night for all my friends. We've been trying to plan this event for a few days. Going back and forth. One person throwing out ideas and everyone else throwing them down. Each person needs to be accommodated. No one wants to spend money. Then they have to arrange a babysitter. Work around the husband's schedule.

We finally agree on a plan and one person says it's too expensive. Let's all go over to her apartment and rent a movie. Seconds later, one by one, girls start backing out of original plan. So I get annoyed. Why can't we ever just go out. Just us girls. No kids. No husbands calling asking how to change a diaper. I get one girl to say she's still sticking to the original plan and then I say the same. All of the sudden, everyone is back in.

I pick some people up. I'm so excited. Finally a girl's night. Doing something different. Something fun. Stepping out of the box. And then we're all sitting there. The movie starts. And I want to puke. Nudity. Drugs. Language. I feel utterly sick. This isn't how I want to be spending my time. These are not images I want in my head. 

I spend half the time covering my friend's eyes. And we're whispering. We both want to leave. But I drove three people here. And only one other person drove. There's only two cars. Eight people. So I convince one other friend to leave. And in middle of the movie, we walked out. 

I know that they'll talk about me. That I made a big stink of sticking to this plan. But I honestly didn't know what this movie was about. I didn't know it would be this disgusting. It's not something I find ok. Not behaviors I would promote. So why would I want these images to be in my head. 

Man plans and God laughs.

Monday, December 23, 2013


Babies babies. My childhood best friend just had a baby girl. I'm mixed with so many emotions. I'm thrilled for her. She deserves only good things. Two friends of mine are in their ninth month. They've both been waiting a long time. Getting pregnant was a struggle. I'm so happy about their joy and excitement. Babies.

My father has not spoken to us for over a week. It's like living in a house with a ghost. He comes home and goes straight to sleep. When we go into our room, he comes out and goes downstairs. He can never be on the same floor as us. 

I spoke to a friend about D. We have never really talked about what happened in the past. She basically told me that she knew all along. She wondered why I kept going back. How I've said so many times before that this is it. We're done. What makes this time different. We talked about cheating and morals and being Jewish in your core. 

I've been listening to old CDs. CDs that bring strong memories of the past. Of people. I haven't been able to paint. I have been thinking a lot. Contemplating. I wish I could really feel my emotions. I wish there were tears. When is the last time I cried. 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Itching at your fingertips

Do you ever listen to this cd
Does it hit you
Strike you straight in your heart 
Do you avoid these songs
These lyrics 
Do you remember
What the words mean 
What the words do
Do you feel the words in your soul 
Crawling on your skin 
Itching at your fingertips 
Does this cd take you back 
To moments no one knows 
Hidden moments 
Do you remember what this cd does 
What these songs represent
The power of the verses 
And the beat 
What the beat does 
Do you still feel it 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


Life long friend
Childhood companion
Loyal ally
Bed mate 
Clothes borrower
Tickle attacker 
Mirror hogger
Secret keeper 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

A Millisecond of Time

It's that fear of the unknown. Of walking into a familiar place and not knowing where you are. Forgetting who you are. Being accosted by memories. Glimpses of a past you. A previous lifetime. It's the lead up. The buildup. The knowledge of what if.
The moments before are just as bad as during. The anticipation and over obsessing that make the actual moment worse. Almost unbearable.  Thoughts of nothing else. No matter how prepared you are, that moment knocks the breath right out of your chest. Your brain pauses. Your heart stops beating for one tiny, little second.
A millisecond of eye contact. One intimate moment shared.  If it was a movie, still pictures would flash through your mind. Time would slow down. Nothing else would exist. Familiar and foreign at the exact same time.
Then in a flash it's over. As if it never happened.  Maybe it never happened.  All made up. Imagination gone wild. The mind playing tricks on the heart. But the anxiety blazes through every vein. Pulses beat throughout the body.  A packed room keeps the body erect. Standing still.  In place.
And then life goes back. Back to normal.  Time fast forwards to the present.  No more glimpses of the past.  The mind is propelled back to reality. The body can stand on its own. Control returns. And life goes on. Once again.

Friday, December 13, 2013

get out of my head

I have removed you from my life
You need to remove yourself from my dreams
Get out of my head
I'm sick of dreaming about you
I'm sick of you
Stop controlling me
It's not real
You are an illusion
You were always an illusion
Figment of my imagination
I created this image of you
You didn't exist
You were fake
You are fake
You are not real
Get out of my head
Leave me alone
Leave me be
I need to breathe
You are still suffocating me
You don't exist
These dreams are not real
I am not crazy
You can't take over me anymore
You are not real
Get out of my head


I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That you make your own bed and then must lie in it. That making rash decisions will have consequences. I know my actions (good or bad) throughout my life have led me to where I am today. I take ownership of my choices and decisions. I am aware. I am not walking blindly through life. I may not be living for the future but at least I am living in the present. I am experiencing the process. And I am always trying hard not to live in the past.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Sometimes there are these moments that happen. It's very rare but when they happen, they blow you away. Blow you away big time. I struggle with religion and bigotry. I don't get how G-d can make people suffer. Be it money, health or unhappiness. I don't get why certain people have been allotted a painful and bitter existence.
And then once in a blue moon, I get a zap. A reminder. G-d whacks me on the head and says "Look! I'm here!" And I remember that I am glad I'm not in control. That if I had final say, my life would look much different. It would most likely be a disaster. A definite disaster.
Since I am such a fan of going to specialists, I went to my pediatric neuro-opthalmologist last week. (triple specialty yay) My anxiety level was sky high. I hate going to his office because I know the torture my eyes will endure. It's also pretty stressful to know that it's possible to fail a test at this point in my life. You can't even study. Your eyes just get judged on how they perform that minute. No one cares how nauseous you feel or how your heart is racing. Most people find the visual field test to be a walk in the park. For me it brings back awful memories and flashbacks. I start getting sweaty and breathing becomes difficult. I start thinking of my ex, of hospitals, and the smell of the iv drip. I start hearing doctors yelling at me. I feel abandoned and ill all over again. That I fail everything and can't keep my world together.
But this time, I was able to hold it all in. I finished the test in record timing and managed not to throw up. Very few blind spots. Yay. And then the big news. This doctor is as blah as they come. He basically has no personality. He's definitely a nice guy, just not Mr. Personality. He asked how I was doing and commented how he hadn't seen me in a long time. I went on to tell him all about how I moved to NY and ended up getting really sick AGAIN and how I chose to get the shunt implanted. I told him how it changed my life. Saved my life. All of a sudden he became animated. He then informed me that they no longer give shunts to Pseudo-tumor patients in MD.
Wait what? I couldn't believe what I heard. I was in literal shock. He basically said good luck to anyone suffering from this awful disease. That no neurosurgeon will perform the surgery in all of Maryland. How he had a girl come to him the week before who would have benefited tremendously from this surgery. And no surgeon would help. Are you kidding me? He was so happy for me. He told me that when I go to my appointment with the neurologist, I should tell him how happy and healthy I am. Get him to see what a mistake it is not to operate on these poor souls. It changed my life.
And then it hit me. I moved to NY on a whim. A spontaneous decision. That many people thought was dumb and careless. That I was running away from my problems. And then I went skydiving. And again, everyone thought I was being careless. That I didn't care about my life. But no one realized that I was so happy to get sick again. And no not in a crazy way. I didn't want to die. I needed to close that chapter in my life. A few chapters. And yeah, I walked out of that hospital with crazy debt. But I walked out with my life. My life. And the glimpse of a future. It was the first time I was able to see the future. My future.
So as I sat there with my eyes dilated and my queasy stomach, I felt truly grateful. I feel overly grateful. It's not often you see a revelation. A nes nistar. This was a revealed miracle. Out in the open. Obvious Hand of G-d. Choosing the path for me, whether I realized it or not. Guiding me in the right direction. Always. Whether I like it or not.

Monday, December 2, 2013


I have been slowly getting back to myself after an awful stomach virus. Still feeling pain in my stomach and pretty weak at times, but back to work. Back to normal routine. Although, I do rush home to put my pjs on and still am not able to eat normally. I'm still not sure if I was really sick. I tend to convince myself of things. Or maybe its convince myself that nothing happens, when really things are happening. Unsure. I do have physical proof that I was sick. I don't think I was making it up. Nor am I making up the terrible pain I felt. But I do think it's pretty curious that the second after I sent that email, I started feeling nauseous and then threw up all over the place. Psychosomatic much?

So it's been a pretty quiet week (plus). Haven't really talked to anyone, pretty much kept to myself. I learned that I like sleeping on the couch. Or maybe it was just more comfortable than my (creaking) trundle bed. Real reason I realized is that it feels like someone is holding me. Or rather laying next to me. When I sleep with my back to the couch, it feels like I am being spooned from the back. And when my stomach is facing the couch, it feels like someone is close by and I am able to sleep better. It sounds odd or maybe just desperate. But I don't care. It's funny (or maybe not) that I was never able to sleep with another person in my bed. And now that's all I could think about as I lay in agony on the couch. But I guess it was more than that. It was the fact that I was sick and felt all alone. It's not my parents responsibility to care for their 27 year old divorced (nebach) daughter. It's not my sister's job to take care of me. She has way too much on her plate. So I drove myself to the ER. Because there's no one that has my back. Yeah, I could have called a friend. But it was just me. I had to take control of my own life and drive myself. Sit there by myself. Because that is my life. Alone. And most of the time I am ok with that. But not when sick.

And now it's Chanuka. I am so grateful that I moved back home and am no longer in NY. I like lighting the menorah with my family. And the thing I value the most is following our minhagim. Every time I make the bracha on the candles and I say "lehadlik ner SHEL chanuka" I am so thankful for my freedom. It sounds silly. But it's important to me. It's important to me that I have the freedom to be who I am and to do the things that I hold dear to my heart. Even if it's as nutty as singing the last paragraph of Maoz Tzur to the tune of Hatikva. It's meaningful to me.

Sad that Chanuka is almost over. Thank G-d the Jewish calendar is cyclical. You always know another holiday is around the corner.