I know I'm blowing this stupid, idiotic thing out of proportion. But it really bothers me. I feel like I'm always cutting people out of my life. And I know that it must be me that's the problem. I'm not delusional to think it's "everyone else." I know it's me. I know that I'm the common thread. The common denominator. I must be the difficult one. The problem. And yet I still feel that I've always been drawn to "difficult" people. That I can only connect with complex and complicated people. Others who have gone through challenges. And those that are basic and uncomplicated don't really last in my world. But then again, the difficult ones end up being pushed out. So who's left.
I've learned a very important lesson in recent years. One that I wish I would have understood years ago. Friends and maybe even people are not a given. A definite. Forever. They do not last a lifetime. Or better yet, it's ok for them to not last a lifetime. That doesn't necessarily say bad about me. It says it's reality. People change. Situations change. Life happens. And holding on to the past is not the healthiest or wisest thing. It can be damaging. Crippling. So I've let go of a lot people. And for certain individuals, it's caused me a lot of pain and heartache. I've obsessed about it. Had many sleepless nights. Felt very alone. But truthfully, I'd rather be alone than feel drained from others. Maybe that makes me sound depressed or severely introverted. Call it what you like. It's a defense mechanism. It's how I cope with this reality.
Problem with my way of life is that it's very empty and quiet. It's a self induced loneliness. No one to turn to. Talk to. Or hang out. No one to call me out on my stupidity or hang out with on a carefree day. It's an unwilling choice. I'm the one who limits myself. Creates this world that I cannot live in or seem to escape from. I've crippled myself.
It's a few hours before I turn one year older. And as usual, I have this feeling of doom. An underlying emotion of misery. What do I have to show for my life. Another year has passed. Nothing has changed. I have not moved. Haven't budged. Lost more people. Recreated the wall within myself. A blockade. An emotion-free life. No expectations. No feelings. Nothing. An emty shell.