Saturday, August 31, 2013

Now What

Losing a parent
No pain is comparable

When's the last time you spoke to your dad
Can you even remember
Were the words pleasant
Had you made him proud

Now what

Who will be your rock
Who will hold you close
Who will love you unconditionally
Who will walk you down the aisle

How will you go on
Gaping wound in your heart
A missing part of your soul
How will you function

So I go home
And I hug my own father
Avoid my greatest fear
Thank the One Above

And now life will stop
For an entire family
A dynasty he created
Children will be fatherless


Now what

What is the message
Erev Rosh Hashana
Decreed from above

Now what

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Passion Fruit

Random things bring memories
A song
Actually many songs
A smell
A season
The beach
Someone roller blading
A rap song
The shower
A flavor
Certain colors
Shoe polish
A bench

You can only get rid of so much. But in the end, you have to learn to live with the things around you. You can't run and hide. It won't get you anywhere. So you go to those places and instead of reliving the past, you build new memories. And next time it won't be as raw, as painful.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Self Induced Rut

I'm going crazy. I never fell asleep. I laid in bed and tossed and turned. My sister dragged me out of bed and made me get dressed. She wanted to go driving. I'm trying to figure out why this was such a crappy day. Was it only because I was tired. Is that why I was so cranky.

I'm convinced that its because I'm ovulating. Funny how that natural bodily process is so meaningless now. And yet is seem to affect me way too often. One more month of wasted eggs. Down the drain, or should I just say tube.

So much has happened in my mind, but nothing has actually changed in my life. Not one darned thing. Life remains status quo. And while that has made me really happy and content for the last year, I am getting restless to be doing something more. Living a more productive and meaningful life.

So now what? How do I get out if this self induced rut? Do I wake up tomorrow and continue this agonizing existence and lifestyle? I can't even convince myself to make a plan. To make a change. I need to find that list of things I wanted to do. I need to want to do something. Anything. And I need to not think about the past. It doesn't help at all. It makes me crazy.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be better.


I must be so tired
But seriously 12 is too late?
I'm not able to function
And I got 8 hours of sleep
What is the deal

Then I start freaking out
That it's depression
But I'm not depressed
My life is great

And then I'll decide

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Everyone Goes Home

Everyone goes home
They all collect their things
Collect their kids
Strap in to their car seats
Drive off in their minivans

Everyone goes home
To bathe their kids
They wrestle kids into bed
Clean up their house
Finally a quiet moment
To reflect on the day

Everyone goes home
And has someone next to them
Keeping them company
Warming them up
Holding their hand
Loving them back

Everyone goes home
And so do I

But no one else is home
It's just me

Friday, August 23, 2013

"Undermine" lyrics

Sometimes good intentions
Don’t come across so well..

Get me analyzing everything that
ain't worth thinking 'bout
Just cause I ain’t lived through,
The same hand that was dealt to you
Doesn't make me any less
Or make any more of you.

I wouldn’t trade my best day.
So you could validate
All your fears.

And if I’ve only got one shot
Won’t waste it on a shadow box
I’ll stand right here

It’s all talk, talk, talk
Talkin' in the wind
It only slows you down
If you start listenin'
And it’s a whole lot harder to shine,
Than undermine
Yeah, undermine

First mile is always harder
When you're leaving what you know
Won’t blame you if you stay here
Waving to me as I go
Always wished the best for you
Thought that you would see me through my wildest dreams
Yeah, the ones you thought I’d never make

Still, you would trade your best day
Just to have your way
All these years
And if you only had one shot
Maybe all this talk
Would disappear

[Repeat Chorus]

It's a whole lot harder to shine
Yeah, it's a whole lite harder to shine,
Than undermine
Yeah, undermine

Sometimes good intentions
Don't come across so well...

Hayden Panettiere (with Charles Esten) from the show Nashville

Unloading Thoughts

I haven't been able to write in a while. Not sure if it's because I have nothing to say or I just can't bring myself to think. It's so much easier to just live and be and not contemplate things. I think this is the same reason I haven't painted in three months. Or I just convince myself that I am happy and content and therefore only need to write/paint when I am unhappy.

Writing is therapeutic but it also forces me to validate what I am feeling. But then again, I am never sure if it causes to me create issues and feelings that aren't really there. That aren't really bothering me. So below is a list of all the things that are possibly on my mind.

Funny how as I am writing this the song "Somewhere I belong" by Linkin Park comes on my Pandora Station. It seems to always happen.

But I digress. Or do I?

$60,000 is a huge amount of money. I can't even begin relate to that amount in real life. Actually maybe I can- in debt terms. I have managed to pay off two sets of hospital debt so far. Still trying to figure out the third batch. But anyways, when I think about what that kind of money can do for my life, I still don't envy a person in that position. And I realize I am being vague. But I don't want to talk about anyone else. I only focus on what it means for me. This amount of money to me means you are shackled, you are bought, you are owned. I am so grateful to be independent. No one has say in my life and no one can claim to tell me what to do. I am my own person and I earned that. I established myself without any help. I stand on my own two feet. Me. And yeah, I can't go anywhere for vacation and I don't own anything fancy. But I own me. Me. And the things I do have, I bought. I earned with my hard work.

So technically, you would think that I can totally relate to someone who is going through a breakup. And technically, you would be right. But after a while, I just want to yell: "move the F on!!" My sympathy level is somewhat minimal. I can be supportive for a while. But I keep going back and wanting to scream: "I went through a divorce! The man I loved with all my heart and soul left me!! He's frikkin remarried! And you don't see me moping around anymore." But I know that's not sensitive and everyone has their own battles and deals with things differently. So I try to be supportive and listen. And I need to work on not talking as much. But the truth is, that after a while, I don't want to hear about it anymore. It makes me think about the past. And I don't want to do that anymore. I am trying to live in the present. To live in the process. And I actually look forward to the future. And I have also learned so much about relationships and what to do right and what not to do. How people ultimately want to be loved and listened to. How you can't change someone. You have to embrace them for who they are. And especially embrace yourself for who you are. That might be the most important thing in life.

Funny how "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Goyte is playing now.

Is that even a word? I was talking to a friend yesterday about how happy we are being single. And I was thinking later: was I being totally honest? Do I really like being single? And the answer is yes and no. Shocking right? Yes because I love having my freedom. No one tells me what to do. I don't have to be anywhere to please anyone else. I get to sleep in my own bed. I totally crave the quiet and enjoy quiet and alone time. And that is a huge deal. No because I would like to be in a relationship. To have someone love me and care about me. And especially for me to be able to take care of someone else. And to be a mother. That is the ultimate void in my life.

I love being around all my friends and I love each one of their kids whole heartedly. But I do feel left out. I want that. I want to be a mom. I want to go to the pool with everyone and not be the only one there as just me. Are every one else's kids going to be teen-agers when mine are toddlers? It's hard. And I try not to focus on this pain. But it is painful. I want to give grandchildren to my father. I want to leave his house and have my own. I want to have my own Shabbos table and have tons of company and yummy food. To have a house smell of baked goods.

Saw You at Sinai
A dating website? That's what my life has come down to? Waiting for some guy to call me when he has already "accepted." Am I supposed to be going to a million shadchanim and marketing myself like crazy. Or can I continue to sit here and not do anything productive. And continue to hope that people are thinking about me.

I think that's it for now. Every time I say that I have nothing to write, I end up pouring out a whole megilla.

I really like this!

Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again.  You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.