Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Pseudo means FAKE

It's too good to be true
You don't see what's under the surface
Don't look at me
And think you see me
All I want is to disappear
Crawl under my covers
The fan blowing
Someone take a knife
And make a nice incision
In my eyes
To let out all the pressure
So I can feel some relief
A pain free moment
Fluid free lifetime
I need a breather
Just one second
To myself
You ask me what's wrong
But you're not even listening
Don't even care
Can't understand
It's because I am ultimately alone
I struggle through all this on my own
Always by myself
My own problem
It's all under the radar
Because you can't see this disease
There are no outward symptoms
Therefore it means nothing to you
It's fake
I fight alone
So I appear grumpy
Or depressed
Did you ever wonder if maybe I was in constant pain
That my eyes feel like they are flooding
My head might just explode
That basic conversation is so difficult
Friendships are a waste of time
That I am ruining everything
I just need someone to hold me
Take care of me
Call my doctor
Make everything ok
Hold my hair while I throw up
I need someone to drill a nice little hole
Let out the pressure in my back
In a little cord
All the fluid can come pouring out
Did it ever occur to you
That I might need

PS. This is a joke.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


Had the most fabulous 24 hours.

Left work. Accident didn't bother me. Drove into a raging storm. Couldn't see in front of me. Rain was pelting at my windshield. Hailing. Cars were pulled over to the side of the road. Tree branches falling on the highway. My GPS died. But I didn't care. I just kept driving. Heading towards my destination. Knowing that it would be worth it. 

Driving into Atlantic City was thrilling. Seeing all the hotels. The lights. Shining through the fog. The grey sky. Parking in Bally's hotel parking lot. Walking through the casino. Bright lights everywhere. Gamblers all around. I finally made it to the 38th floor and saw my friend. We haven't seen in each other in three years. We hung out in the room for a while. Ate. Changed clothes. Some makeup. Cat-eyes.

Gambling isn't my thing. But watching all the people throw away money is quite fascinating. I see why it's addicting. R gambled so we got free drinks. Cranberry vodka for me. It was so freeing to drink. No responsibilities. No car to drive home. Letting go. Unwinding. She gambled while we waited for the club to open in Caesar's. 

The club was pretty empty when we got there. Fine with me. I've been desperate to dance. Itching to move my body. For so long. No one ever wants to go with me. Second cranberry and vodka. Little cranberry. Lots vodka. Dancing like there's no tomorrow. Tipsy. Music blasting. Hot as hell. Club starts filling up. Moving. Shaking. Dancing. Feeling. One with the music. Fireball whiskey. Shot number one. Sweating. Hands in the air. Music is life. Music is soul. Fireball whiskey. Shot number two. Drunk. Dancing. 

This morning. We sat by the beach. Right outside the hotel. It was amazing. Talking about life. Hardship. Reality. In the sun. People watching. Trying not to get attacked by seagulls. Feet in the water. Sand. Writing. Reading magazines. Chatting about nonsense. Talking serious. Living in the moment. Summer of me. Indulging. Friendship. 

It was time to end our awesome day together. Driving today was so amazing. The weather was so beautiful. Total difference from yesterday. Perfection. Windows down. Music blasting. Sunglasses. Singing at the top of my lungs. Tanning my arms. Was probably the most relaxing drive. I really needed that time on my own to just breathe. Speeding down the highway. Not a care in the world. 

This is exactly what I needed. Indulging. Taking care of my inner child. Release. Breathing. 

Sunday, June 21, 2015


I hate everything about this day. I hate that there's a set day set aside for you. You make it impossible to move forward. What happened in your life to make you this way. To cause you to act this way. Why do you continue to hurt me. Do you even realize how your actions affect others. Do you know I bought you four cards. One for every one of the rest of the family members. That I do that for every occasion. But I didn't give any of them to you. Because you make me feel like dirt. Like shit. Like I'm worthless. You went out to eat by yourself? What is that. Do you even notice who you have become. Who you have always been. That you are completely alone. That we are all completely alone. That we are all in different zip codes. Are you aware of that. Is that the reason you are miserable. That you treat me like shit. Do you notice. Do you care. Is this what you wanted for your life. For mine. Did you have any goals. Aspirations. Do you realize how you've damaged and hurt me. Us. Do you care. Or are you just tuned out. Is this why I am alone. Afraid to trust. Open up. Let anyone in. Because you've ruined me. You've chipped away at my core. My soul. Day after day. Year after year.

Here's to another Fucking Father's Day. 

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


I feel like shit.
Two posts in one day is not my style.
I like to be more mysterious.
But now I just don't care.
There's no one to talk to.
No one who knows.
No one who understands.
I put myself in this situation.
I cause my own pain.
It's always my own damn fault.
And now I need to get my act together.
Put on a brave face.
Pretend like everything is ok.
Like my fingers aren't shaking.
My mind isn't twitching.
There's no pit in my stomach.
That I don't feel ill.
For my own stupidity.
My own idiocy.
But this is what I get.
What I deserve.
For being a fool.
For following blindly.
I am an idiot.
A fool.
I deserve everything that happens to me.
I get what I ask for.
What's one more time.

Bring it on.

i wish...

Well that was disappointing
I shouldn't have waited
Never had expectations
Wish we had never been introduced
You had never reached out
Not the first time
And especially not the second
I wish I had been strong
Made smarter decisions
Followed my brain
And not my heart
Never let you in
I wish I had never exposed myself
Been vulnerable
Made me laugh
Or smile
I wish you didn't know me
Understand me
Leave me
I wish this wasn't so painful
That you weren't gentle
And kind
That you didn't listen
Or critique when necessary
I wish you didn't call me out
Or look at me like that
With those eyes
Like you know me
I wish I had never met you
Touched you
Felt you
That day
I wish for many things
But most of all
I wish I could forget

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Big Brown Eyes

I hesitate to go into her room 
I don't want to wake her
But I want to bring her clothes into her room 
Make sure she is ready for tomorrow
The lights are off 
She is still awake 
She looks at me with those big brown eyes
She is snuggled in her blanket 
I check to make sure she is not wet 
Give her lots of kisses
She smiles at me 
I Choose her clothes for the next day 
A matching grey outfit 
Cute little shoes 
Place them at the end of her bed
Quietly close her dresser 
I get into bed with her 
As she curls into my arms 
Her tiny body barely taking any space 
She looks at me once more and smiles 
Her long eyelashes flutter 
And she drifts off into a deep sleep 
As I hold her tight in my arms 
I am grateful 
She is my mother 

Friday, June 5, 2015

A letter

Going cold turkey
Day by day 
Step by step 
Moving forward 
No more
Miss that 
Letting go
Being myself 

No goodbyes. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Don't bother Reading this - it's about someone else

Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking. Like there's no floor. Like my head is in a fuzz. I wonder if it's my actual depression taking over. Taking control. Or is it just my head hurting. Should I feel like crap all the time. Is it my own doing. Not sleeping. Should I be miserable all the time. Feel like a ticking time bomb. About to go off any minute. Am I this person. Was I always this way.

I don't like it when you look at me like that. When you think I'm pathetic. That my life is so sad. Don't ask me for a hug. You don't know me. You see this outside persona. A controlled being. Yes, I come off as strong-willed. But it's all a show. I'm not real. I hide. It's how I survive. I function. You think I need to be mothered. Well, no duh. Maybe I should self-mother. What a load of crap.

I judged you. I always judge you. You have destroyed. Who are you. Am I just like you. A bad person. Hurting people. Ruining lives. Just like you. Everything you touch. You destroy. You used me. You use everyone. You are selfish. You made me distrust. And now where are you. Why do you have space in my brain. Why do you continue to live life. While mine is always on pause. Continuously on hold. How can I still blame you. Think about you. When you are the past.

It was too much. Drama. And I know I am one to talk. But I couldn't carry your burdens. Your emotional baggage. I care. I'm sorry. Your life was too complicated. I needed space. You didn't understand. My depression. I had to hide. That's not a friendship. I care. I am hypocrite. But I come first.

You live your life. You have a life. I was just a glimpse. Momentary. A friend. Intense. But now what. Everyone leaves. Always. There's no point. Where is the decency. Where is the justice. Don't bother. The TV is my real friend. You were just a facade. I never needed anyone. Vulnerability is dangerous. It opens you. To pain. To sadness. To rawness. To feel.

You don't occupy space in my head. You don't matter. Not at all. I am free. Completely.

Seriously. Like I said. Don't bother Reading this.
Any similarity to someone you know is just a coincidence.
Move along.