What Did I Do

What am I supposed to take from that
Is there a lesson somewhere
A punishment
Were you trying to give me a message
A wake up call
Did I need it that day
That minute
Of all places
I had to pass by then
Cross the street
At that very moment
On that specific day
Exact hour
Tell me why
What did I do
Why did I need that
What were you trying to say
Did you want me to think
Feel
Pretend there's such a thing
As coincidence
Random chance
There's no such thing
Everything matters
Has a purpose
Meaning
A reason
So tell me why
Why did you do it
Do you even care
See me
Hear my silent pain
Is that your plan
Destruction
Shame
Slow
Agonizing
Life-long
Agony
So blatantly obvious
In my face
On a terrible day
The worst kind

Tell me why

Rant

Seriously. That's what you are going to say.You do not want me to respond. Because it won't be pretty. I won't be that quiet soul you think you met. Maybe you should grow a pair. Of balls that is. Because you don't know me. No one puts me in a corner. Or defines me. I don't fit into a neat little box. I am limitless. And you do not call the shots. Maybe you should look inward instead of pointing fingers. Did you ever think that it might be you that's the problem. Maybe you should look at your pattern. And get a clue. Don't you dare make assumptions about me. Or label me. I am not yours to comment about. Open your eyes. Or smell the coffee. Whatever. You are not worth my time.

Don't Reach Out

Please stop messaging me.
I have turned my life around
Living a positive and productive life
Surrounded by motivating people
Making smart decisions
Trying at least
And I can handle no distractions
I have cut out all the toxic people
Or environments
So I am sorry
I cannot be in your life
I cannot have you in my life
It is not good for me
I know this sounds classic
It's not you, it's me
But it is the truth
I must do what is best for me
No matter the costs
I apologize for my harshness
But you and I both know
That no good will come from this
So please don't reach out to me again
I wish you luck with your life
But it can't be my focus
I have enough on my plate
And that is what I need to to focus on
Thank you for understanding

Endless Pattern

Do you realize what you're doing. How your actions affect other people. Do you see me. Or are you looking through me. Do you see a pattern. An unhealthy cycle. Why must this continue. Happen once again. When will you learn from the past. And not continue to repeat it. Do you feel bad. Do you notice the damage you cause. The pain you cannot erase. The distrust that arises and develops. Never to return. Are you so far gone that you do not notice anymore. Cannot choose your family. Are you so alone and wrapped up in your own mind. You don't see what you're doing. How many times will there be room for forgiveness. Will we always be able to let you back in when you come around. When you decide you're ready. Can we withstand this one more time. Do you see us hurting. Desperate for your love and attention. Are you totally blinded by your own pain. Is she all you can think about. Must she consume your every thought. Do you see how crippled you've made us. Do you. Do you.

"I am not..."

I'm listening to Israeli love songs. The music breaks my heart. The Hebrew words are so beautiful. So raw. Yearning. I try to find meaning in this life. I aim to feel joy and happiness. Purpose and fulfillment.

I have been following this "what I be" campaign. Basically this photographer has been taking pictures of people with a word or statement written on their body with a black sharpie. Each person revealing and unleashing a different insecurity that they hide from the world. I can't stop looking at the pictures. What word would I choose. What statement would define me. The first word that comes to mind is DIVORCED. My statement would be "I am not my trust issues." Or how about ALONE, followed by the statement "I am not my depression." I could go with ANXIETY and say "I am not my suicidal ideation." I think this photographer is brilliant and is effecting tremendous change in the world through this movement. 

I think about the fact that I should be pursuing dating. And yet I can't make myself do anything about it. Going to shadchanim. Saying yes to profiles. Judging a book by its cover. A first phone call. All makes me want to puke. And that's even before going on an actual date. The prospects are embarrassing. Pathetic. Almost worth it to be alone. Almost. 

Going to a new neurosurgeon tomorrow. The saga continues. Can't escape it. A routine appointment. Still have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. What will be. Have I been through enough. Have I not put in my time. Suffered enough agony. How long can this life go on. How long can life go on this way. At what point do I get swept under the current. How long can I tread in this ocean. 

One more day. One foot in front of the other. 

Her thoughts

She's more like me than I realized...