Authenticity Is Overrated

She feels calm

Calmness to breathe 

To sleep 

She has clarity 

Clear minded 

Clear conscious 

She is free 

Freedom to express herself 

Be herself 

She has no fear 

Of others

Herself 

She is unique 

One of a kind 

Unlike anyone else 

She is legitimate 

Solid and whole 

Accepted and needed

She is genuine 

Inside and out

Transparent 

another goodbye

I guess I am at a loss for words because there is so much to say and yet it is all so difficult to verbalize. How can I really explain where I am coming from. What I am feeling. What my goals are. Does it even matter.

I have been thinking about this since your first email in January. And I decided to just ignore your attempts and hoped you would get "the message" and stop. But I guess my silence was not definitive enough. Left an open door. Or maybe just a window. And it seems like it was my subconscious way of not having to do anything. Of never actually making a decision. I know I am not making any sense. (My specialty.)

What I guess I should tell you is that I do wish I could have you in my life. But after we stopped talking in June, it was very hard. Very painful. But I understood. The reasons we had then - made sense. They were for the best. And I moved forward. And now you've sorta opened the possibility again and I  have kept weighing all the options. And nothing has changed. Well I have changed. I have changed my life. Made smarter choices. Real choices. I finally see a future. And I am working toward it. And, (here I will say it), while I really care for you, about you, (and don't shoot me - but miss you), it's not what's best for me. I need to live in reality. And there's no way you can be part of that. So, yes there are great memories. An insane connection. But this will just end badly again. We CANNOT give each other what the other needs. And that is the bottom line. There is no casual friendship in our cards. We are not capable of it. It will get heavy and then painful. Look how painful it is now.

I don't know if I am making any sense. And I told myself I would write a concise email. But I know that I owe you some detail. I don't hate you. Anything but. I want only what's best for you. And I only have good thoughts when it comes to you. So don't think that this decision came lightly. And that it's not hard for me. But in the end of the day, I have to choose myself. My future. And not something that might make me happy now. Instant gratification.

So my request is that you delete everything and let me go. That you understand where I am coming from. And respect my decision. Our decision. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. It's not what I wish I had to say. It was all real and I remember too. But it is the past. And has to stay there.

Please.

Goodbye.

My Life

While going through old boxes in the back of my closet, I found a lot of shit. Dishes. Clothes. Scrapbooks. Albums. Pictures. Letters. Memories that had been packed away. Mostly forgotten. Not sure what got into me. Why the nostalgia need. Most definitely was a bad idea.

I can be vague here as is my norm. Or I can just be honest. Tell you that seeing those albums was painful. Although I laughed and fake-gagged at the time. I can say that I am over it. It's all the past and doesn't affect me. But that is not the truth. I did flip through those pictures. Glanced at the scrapbooks containing hundreds of letter. Handwritten love letters. Flashing back to another time. A time that was less complicated.

I saw myself. What outsiders saw. Religious. Observant. Following the rules. Whatever you want to call it. I was playing the part. Living the lifestyle.

I know now that it was all a facade. Waiting to crash at my feet. Living in a fantasy land. Surrounded by infatuation. Desire for a future. No understanding of the present. Of the facts in front me. Avoiding reality. All to live in delusion. A dream of what I wanted and not what was.

I gave up myself. I lost who I was. And I did it willingly. I followed a path that I didn't want. To fit in. To please everyone else. But I was not happy. I was controlled. Miserable. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I wasn't authentic.

And that's not who I am. Who I ever wanted to be. All I ever wanted to be. Unique. To be authentic. What you see is what you get. Not two-faced at all. Honest to a fault.

And now, although a lot has changed. It is not a bad thing. Looking at my face in those pictures, I see a lonely and sad girl. Standing at a distance from those around her.

Lost. Alone. Leading a life that is not her own. Trapped in a life she doesn't desire.

Today I am grateful. I feel lucky that I have myself back. That I am living my life. As I want to live it. And I won't take that freedom for granted. And I won't lie and say that it isn't hard. Doesn't get painful. The loneliness is definitely there under the surface. But I  no longer feel hopeless. Because my happiness and my life do not depend on you or anyone else. It's internal. My choice. My goals. My life.

My life.

Organized Chaos

This blog is my diary. I can look back and see the last 5 years documented in ink. Organized chaos. I write when I am angry. Sad. Agitated. Introspective. When there is a big or momentous event coming up. Or passed. It's pretty rare for me to write when things are going ok. Status quo. And there are times like that. When I am managing in this life. Holding shit together. Not sure I would call it happy. Maybe satisfied. Surviving. And that may sound negative. But I (partially) mean it in a positive way.

I write to let things off my chest. Because most of the time I can not share what I really think with others. Choose not to. I write in a blunt manner. Say it how I see it. How I feel. But then there are times I can not be honest. I hide behind the words. Cryptic messages. Beat around the bush. Because even though you don't know me, I am still cautious. Sometimes scared to reveal myself. Rip off that outer layer. For fear of being recognized internally. Apprehensive of the vulnerability.

There are so many unfinished drafts. Of writing. Indicative of real life. The thoughts are there. They come at random times. Driving. In the shower. When I shut off technology for the night. That's when I'll come up with my best thought-processes. Begging to be written down. But somehow, the minute I sit in front of my computer and open the blog option on my phone. The inspiration evaporates. Disappears from my head. As if it was never there. And sometimes, I'll try to write. A sentence here or there. But it's filled with emptiness.

There are topics that I completely avoid writing about. Or I write in code. Sometimes they are places I would rather not dig through. Or situations I cannot analyze. Pretend they don't exist. Harmful or traumatic experiences. You would look at me and feel bad. And I can't bring myself to share.

But in truth I am doing all right. A close friend called me stable the other day. And I realized she was right. I have mainly conquered my demons. Made some smart choices. Leading a good and honest life. My emotions and feelings are under control. And I've realized that loyalty is most important when it is to myself. It's taken me almost thirty years, but I finally put me first. I matter.

It's possible I won't fast on Yom Kippur. I didn't last year. And I feel no guilt. I am doing what's best for me. And not letting religion or guilt dictate my life. Other people no longer control me. Nor does the fear of the unknown. People in the past may have always thought of me as controlling. But in truth, it was me who was controlled. I lived a caged life. Stuck. Hiding. And now I am done. I will live however I choose. In my own comfort zone. With no apologies.

So there.

Distorted Religion Part 2

Would you ever park in a handicapped spot without tags
Do you run red lights
Drive through stop signs
Would you you ever hit a parked car and then drive off
How about a hit and run

What color is your shirt
Do you cover your head
Send your children to same-gender private schools
Consider yourself CHOSEN
"A light unto the nations"

Go ahead and leave a nasty message on my voicemail
Or better yet threaten me
Tell me what I am doing is wrong
And that I have a lot to think about
Who the hell do you think you are

I'm very aware that my mother hasn't been home in a year
Thanks for reminding me
And showing me the proper way to be
How to lead my life
You are a fantastic example

Threatening to call my Rabbi
What a move
As if we were playing chess
Trying to knock my piece off the board
When I was never really playing

You think you are representing Orthodoxy
In truth you are constantly distorting reality
This is not the religion that I subscribe to
You pervert the world
Create a nasty image

So make sure that your elbows are hidden
Your collarbone is suffocated by fabric
And not a single hair is showing
Eat only the strictest kashrut possible
And wait the longest possible time after Shabbos

I aspire to be just like you
As you spit in my face
And your husband tramples the Israeli flag
When your child destroys our property
I see where your priorities are

So go ahead and call my Rabbi
He's dealing with life and death
sometimes mine
He really cares about your law breaking
And petty behavior

Please keep calling me
Trying to prove your ways
You may as well hold a pillow over my face
Your suffocating life makes me ill
And I will never be like you

Family Reunion

Well I did it. I survived the family reunion. And by that I mean a trip to the cemetery. Because that's where our family gets together. Genius, no?

Bubby's Unveiling surprisingly went off without a hitch. No one punched each other. No cruel words. Just us all standing around. In our own little worlds. Remembering the woman who has left us all alone. Who lived a full life.

And yet we all live incomplete lives. No unity. A sad and pathetic family. Complete and constant disappointment.

How I miss you Bubby.

Every time they say that all your descendants are shabbos observant, I cringe. Is that even true. Have I failed you. Do I disrespect you with the fact that I have trouble with believing. Living this lie. That I don't want to be here.

Are you ashamed of me. That I don't like your family. That I feel abandoned. That each one of us is selfish. Living in our unique, or rather suffocating bubble.

Where are you Bubby. You were supposed to be here. Forever.

I desperately wanted to get up by your new stone and say the truth. Tell everyone what they needed to hear. That you would be ashamed of all of us. Our behaviour. Towards each other. You would be crying if you were here.

I miss you daily Bubby. You were the only one that loved me for me. That accepted without judgement. You made me feel like I belong.

But now you are gone. Almost an entire year without you. And I can't get the picture out of my head. Of you laying peacefully in your bed. A lifeless body. Soul departed to a better place. Far away from me. Leaving me alone.

Even your son didn't come. My grandfather. The selfish Patriarch of the family. He can't step out of himself and be there for any of us. So wrapped up in himself. Consumed.

Am I like him? Have I cut out everyone just like him. You don't come to say goodbye to your own mother. What about my mother. Did it ever occur to you that she needs you. That we might need you.

What kind of family is this. Immediate family is a joke. Extended family is a lie. Where is the support. Where is the understanding. You think if you come to the nursing home once a year, you are covered. You have done your due diligence. You plan a party in your own convenience.

Did it occur to you that I have to make her presentable. That we cringe on the inside. That I went to her room and dragged her out of bed. As she continued to grind her teeth. Sleeping with her eyes open. Unaware that I was even there. That I took her to the bathroom and changed her diaper. Brushed her teeth. And then changed her clothes. Put on her cochlears. Awakened her back into this fake world. All to make her look put together. So you would feel comfortable.

And then you sit there and pretend that this family is normal. That all is ok. That we are all functioning. That we are not suffering. Lacking. Dying on the inside. You did your good deed for the day. You showed up. With fake kisses on each cheek. And talked about nonsense.

And then you left and she was devastated. Crying for hours. Probably still crying. Tears of abandonment. Of loss. Of loneliness. As you go back to your real life. Pretending that we are ok. Convinced that it is not your problem. Not your responsibility. Out of sight out of mind.

So thanks for nothing. As usual. We have it under control. This family that doesn't really exist. A figment of imagination.

Thanks for nothing.

imploding

What happens when you drown

When you're drowning 

Falling 

When you feel nothing 

Total emptiness 

Lack of anything 

No will to live

Given up

Stopped fighting 

Let go

Are letting go

Nothing to hold on to

When you burn your skin 

And feel no pain

Or cut yourself 

And no blood comes out 

When you are bruised all over 

And raw to the core 

When your eyes are bleeding out 

Dream about death 

A funeral 

A different version of hell

Overdosing 

Institutionalized 

Immobilized 

Dunk your head in the toilet 

Drive off the bridge 

Smash into a million smithereens 

Combust 

Explode 

Implode 

What happens when you are numb 

Done 

Gone 

Dead 

Dead to the world 

Dead to yourself 

No will to live 

What happens when you dream

Of nothing 

Emptiness 

Die in your sleep 

The end. 

Lost

Today is Yom Haatzmaut. Yes, I'm wearing blue and white. Go Israel! Today like every day, I contemplate my life. It's almost my birthday. Another year has flown by. What do I have to show for myself? What have I accomplished?

I feel very stuck. I'm still haunted by the past. Most days I can barely live in the present. I work hard to live in the process. But the now is so difficult. There's not much to keep me going. Every day that I get out of bed is a miracle. I'm stuck.

I'm that soda bottle. All is calm until you shake it. And then you take the top off and fizz explodes everywhere, a lot less soda left. I'm sitting alone in a glass box. There's a key sitting right outside the glass. And yet, I don't make any effort to get out. I don't budge. I know the glass is breakable. I know there's a key right outside of my prison. But I can't move. I am incapable of making things better for myself. I choose to be stuck. I know no other way to function.

Where do I fit in? What is my purpose? Why was I created? What am I doing here? What do I want?

I've created this bubble, this reality. I have solidified my perspective. Manipulated my emotions. I have erased any possible expectations. And I can no longer be disappointed. I don't trust. I move. I do. Function. I am dependable. I am relied upon. I am your friend. Your caretaker. Your parent. Your spouse. I am defined by what you need. I am defined by you. There is no me. I am a figment of your imagination. A shell. I live to serve you.

I am deflated. Mute. I have quit fighting. A prisoner in my own life. Of my own mind.

On this very important day, I feel nothing. I wear the colors. But they mean nothing to me. I am not where I am supposed to be. I am lost. I am lost.

F....enough with the yiddish names

How horrible is it that I'm jealous. I only met you once. We hung out at a bar in the city years ago. A lifetime ago. I wasn't such a fan. But then again, how many people do I really like. That doesn't say anything about you. Probably says more about me.

I'm envious of your bravery. The fact that your plan worked. You showed everyone. You no longer have to face your demons. It is the world who has to now look for answers. Pretend to understand what your life was about. Everyone else feels pain now. You are finally pain free. Don't people get that. You are free.

Is it terrible that I am happy for you. Envious of you. Wish I was as brave as you. Wish I could take that final leap. Never look back. People can talk about how you were at the peak of your life. Making a difference. Doing so well. Yada Yada. What do they really know. No one understands. No one knows what's going on deep on the inside. The outside is one big facade. You put a face on so that people can be around you. But maybe you can't be around them.

Maybe you survived just the right amount. Maybe some people aren't meant to live a long full life. Maybe some of us have already lived too long. Does anyone ever consider that. Sometimes, a long life is not in the cards. Not desired. Not something to aspire to. Some of us live day by day. Hour by hour. Minute to minute. Every day that we wake up is a miracle. Is torturous to get up and face the day. Face the world. Because you don't belong. You don't want to be there.

So to you, I say congratulations. On finally graduating. From this life. From this world. From your misery. To everyone else. I will continue to say. You have no idea. No idea what a person is. What they are made up of. Who they really are. Don't try to understand after the fact. It's too late. You can look for answers. Try to place blame. But the blame should be internal.

Life is not for everyone.

i wish...

Well that was disappointing
I shouldn't have waited
Never had expectations
Wish we had never been introduced
You had never reached out
Not the first time
And especially not the second
I wish I had been strong
Made smarter decisions
Followed my brain
And not my heart
Never let you in
I wish I had never exposed myself
Been vulnerable
Made me laugh
Or smile
I wish you didn't know me
Understand me
Leave me
I wish this wasn't so painful
That you weren't gentle
And kind
That you didn't listen
Or critique when necessary
I wish you didn't call me out
Or look at me like that
With those eyes
Like you know me
I wish I had never met you
Touched you
Felt you
That day
I wish for many things
But most of all
I wish I could forget

6 years

6 years ago today

I was a bride

Walking down the aisle

Led by both my parents 

Big white gown

Veil covering my eyes

Walking towards a man I loved

A man I planned to spend the rest of my life with

A man I committed to with all my heart

6 years ago today

I was hopeful

I had faith

I believed in something great

I believed in love

I even believed in myself

6 years ago today 

My new life began 

But then it ended 

Was no more 

The carpet was ripped from under my feet

6 years ago today

Was a different lifetime 

A facade 

An illusion 

A figment of my imagination 

6 years ago today

I was a fool 

6 fucking years

Delusional Friendships

Her email- 

R, 

I don't know how to word this and I am debating in my head if I should write it at all. But, it has been bothering me for a while and if anyone can help me I think it's you.

I really enjoyed my friendship with Z, and felt that we were very close friends. It seems that all of a sudden one day the frienship ujust turned off. I want to figure out how I hurt her so I can try to make amends, it really eats at me that our freindship ended so abruptly. I am not expecting to "pick up where we left off", I just want to right any wrongs I did. 

I was wondering if you had any insights that could help me piece this together? I don't want to "drag you" into something 1) because I don't think there is a "something" and 2) you have enough on your plate. I just know that you are very aware of people's feelings and know me and Z well enough to hopefully be able to help. 

Please don't share this with Z, or anyone else. I have tried asking Z but she brushed me off. I don't think you asking her "head on" would help either, but again, if you had any insight I would really appreciate it.

My response -

Hey,

Sorry I haven't had time to respond.

I wish I could really help you. Honestly, I  don't know. I think it's natural for friends to grow apart. It's definitely a hard reality. But isn't that life? I'm not sure what happened between you two. I really try to stay out of everyone else's business. It's just a simpler and less dramatic way to live.

I do know that every single one of us has not had the "easiest" life and sometimes taking space is the only way to function. Less painful than opening up to those around us. I know that I have taken that approach.

I'm sorry if I can't be more help. Sometimes, I miss the days when we were younger and more naive. When life was "simpler" and we were all just getting together for a potluck. But sadly, and maybe realistically, those days are behind us. We have all had to grow up. And that's part of life.

I guess the question is "now what?"  And for that I definitely do not have an answer.

R :)

Open Me Up

Why is it so hard for me to open up. Why has it always been so easy to open up to total strangers. To people who could not be there for me. Who maybe did not even care. Who had other lives. That did not include me. I was a secret. A dirty little secret. To too many. I was not first. I was used. But it was so easy. Simple. I could say whatever I wanted. Be whoever I wanted. Whoever they wanted me to be. Was that the real me. Was it all a game. Fake. A facade. I could tell them whatever truth I wanted. Even if it was an ugly one. I didn't feel judged.

But now. When it actually matters. When it's real life. My life. I am silent. I cannot open my mouth. I cannot share a thing. Everything is on the surface. I can't break through. I do not know how to open up. There is potential right in front of me. And I will lose the opportunity. All because my lips are sealed. My walls have flown up. And I do not know how to break them down. I'm scared to introduce the real me. The complicated, imperfect version of me. Most people can not handle truth. It's all too much. I'm too much.

So now what. How do I get past this fear. This constant fear of unknown. It's not others' I should be concerned about. It seems it's my own judgement I am fearing. It seems it's me who doesn't feel worthwhile. Worthy. Why am I constantly my own worst enemy. Harshest critic. Why can't I see that I am a good person. That I am not so bad. That the past does not define me. It builds me. How can I open up if I do not see my own good qualities. Who am I really punishing.

Do you know who I am?

I write because I might explode. If I don't get certain thoughts out of my head, I'm not sure what I could do.

I come to see you and you barely show emotion. No recognition on your face. You sit in your chair and refuse to communicate. Do you know I'm here. Do you know who I am. 

You won't eat. You won't talk. Your family sits around you. Do you know who we are. Do you care. Do you realize that we have sacrificed our lives for you. Again. Constantly. Never ending. 

Do you realize that the roles are reversed. Have always been. That I take YOU to the bathroom. Force you to sit down. That I'm the one putting a diaper on YOU. Then I lay in bed with you and hold you. As you sleep in my arms, taking up a third of the bed and whimpering in your sleep. 

I wonder what you're thinking. Are their any thoughts in your head. Complete emptiness. Do you recognize me. Do you think I'm your mother. Are you used to me being your caretaker. Who else would do such things. Do you even know who I am. Do you trust just anyone. Are you slightly more comfortable with me. 

And I try not to let my mind wander. No thinking allowed. Feelings are not ok. Shut down. Tucked in a little corner. In the back of my head. In a crevice in my heart. I cannot choose me. Never the first priority. Must be strong. And take care of everyone else. That is my destiny. It's why I was placed on this earth. For you. For them. This is who I am. I am the way I am because of you. 

Do you know that. Do you know that you gave me life and then wrecked it. Do you know that I have nothing. Am nothing. For you. Because of you. Do you know. And now what. How long can this go on. How long can I fake this reality. This truth. Your truth. 

When do I get to have a mother.