Thursday, August 28, 2014
I'm just sick of it. Why does this keep happening to me. What did I do to deserve this. How am I supposed to keep going. Keep fighting. I'm tired. Worn out. Overwhelmed. Stressed out. Anxious. Enough is enough. No more. Please no more. I'm mad. At you. At him. I hate him. Why am I alone. Why is it ok for you to abandon me. Abandoned. Neglected. Forced to fight alone. Suffocate on my own. By myself. Over and over again. Why does this keep happening to me. When is my break. When do I get to come up for air. This isn't right. It's all wrong. So wrong. I can't be strong. Won't make it through. The truth is that it's times like this that I wish I had a mother. Someone to care. Unconditional love. Why.
Monday, August 18, 2014
I sit here reading her response. And I'm just bawling my eyes out. Although, I was just waiting for that thing that would tip me off. Push me over the edge I was standing on. Unravel me. She always has a way with words. And I guess I'm just so vulnerable right now. Yeah me. Vulnerable. Shocker. Who would believe it. There's nothing that's right. Nothing feels ok. No stability. Pain in all directions. Misery and sadness swallowing me whole. Sadly, I wish for a hug. A need for some comfort. A bit of love. Maybe some attention. Perhaps affection would do me some good. But alas, it is not there. Does not exist. Not an option. Not for me. Nope. Instead, I drown in my own sorrow. Suffocate in my own emotions. Disappear a little bit more each day. Until poof. I will cease to exist.
I'm sorry that I didn't respond and have not been in contact. It means a lot to know you are thinking about me. It's hard for me. I know that's not an excuse. As life has never been easy. For me. Or for anyone. Especially you. But it's definitely on the difficult side now and I am holding on by a thread. Therefore, it makes being "open" and "keeping in touch" very difficult. 1. I have nothing good to share and I try to avoid complaining. 2. I feel as if I have disappointed you. You have always seen the good in me and truly feel that I have all this potential. And I have flat out failed. I haven't accomplished. So it becomes easier to just keep to myself. To not reach out. It's a cop out. But it's less threatening. I'm not sure if anything I am saying is making any sense. I look around this life. Mine. Those around me. And I see pain. Sadness. It's pretty hard for me to relate to any happiness at this point. And that is a sad thing to admit.
Thanks for always being there.