Hashgacha

Sometimes there are these moments that happen. It's very rare but when they happen, they blow you away. Blow you away big time. I struggle with religion and bigotry. I don't get how G-d can make people suffer. Be it money, health or unhappiness. I don't get why certain people have been allotted a painful and bitter existence.

And then once in a blue moon, I get a zap. A reminder. G-d whacks me on the head and says "Look! I'm here!" And I remember that I am glad I'm not in control. That if I had final say, my life would look much different. It would most likely be a disaster. A definite disaster.

Since I am such a fan of going to specialists, I went to my pediatric neuro-opthalmologist last week. (triple specialty yay) My anxiety level was sky high. I hate going to his office because I know the torture my eyes will endure. It's also pretty stressful to know that it's possible to fail a test at this point in my life. You can't even study. Your eyes just get judged on how they perform that minute. No one cares how nauseous you feel or how your heart is racing. Most people find the visual field test to be a walk in the park. For me it brings back awful memories and flashbacks. I start getting sweaty and breathing becomes difficult. I start thinking of my ex, of hospitals, and the smell of the iv drip. I start hearing doctors yelling at me. I feel abandoned and ill all over again. That I fail everything and can't keep my world together.

But this time, I was able to hold it all in. I finished the test in record timing and managed not to throw up. Very few blind spots. Yay. And then the big news. This doctor is as blah as they come. He basically has no personality. He's definitely a nice guy, just not Mr. Personality. He asked how I was doing and commented how he hadn't seen me in a long time. I went on to tell him all about how I moved to NY and ended up getting really sick AGAIN and how I chose to get the shunt implanted. I told him how it changed my life. Saved my life. All of a sudden he became animated. He then informed me that they no longer give shunts to Pseudo-tumor patients in MD.

Wait what? I couldn't believe what I heard. I was in literal shock. He basically said good luck to anyone suffering from this awful disease. That no neurosurgeon will perform the surgery in all of Maryland. How he had a girl come to him the week before who would have benefited tremendously from this surgery. And no surgeon would help. Are you kidding me? He was so happy for me. He told me that when I go to my appointment with the neurologist, I should tell him how happy and healthy I am. Get him to see what a mistake it is not to operate on these poor souls. It changed my life.

And then it hit me. I moved to NY on a whim. A spontaneous decision. That many people thought was dumb and careless. That I was running away from my problems. And then I went skydiving. And again, everyone thought I was being careless. That I didn't care about my life. But no one realized that I was so happy to get sick again. And no not in a crazy way. I didn't want to die. I needed to close that chapter in my life. A few chapters. And yeah, I walked out of that hospital with crazy debt. But I walked out with my life. My life. And the glimpse of a future. It was the first time I was able to see the future. My future.

So as I sat there with my eyes dilated and my queasy stomach, I felt truly grateful. I feel overly grateful. It's not often you see a revelation. A nes nistar. This was a revealed miracle. Out in the open. Obvious Hand of G-d. Choosing the path for me, whether I realized it or not. Guiding me in the right direction. Always. Whether I like it or not.