Defeated

Babies babies. My childhood best friend just had a baby girl. I'm mixed with so many emotions. I'm thrilled for her. She deserves only good things. Two friends of mine are in their ninth month. They've both been waiting a long time. Getting pregnant was a struggle. I'm so happy about their joy and excitement. Babies.

My father has not spoken to us for over a week. It's like living in a house with a ghost. He comes home and goes straight to sleep. When we go into our room, he comes out and goes downstairs. He can never be on the same floor as us. 

I spoke to a friend about D. We have never really talked about what happened in the past. She basically told me that she knew all along. She wondered why I kept going back. How I've said so many times before that this is it. We're done. What makes this time different. We talked about cheating and morals and being Jewish in your core. 

I've been listening to old CDs. CDs that bring strong memories of the past. Of people. I haven't been able to paint. I have been thinking a lot. Contemplating. I wish I could really feel my emotions. I wish there were tears. When is the last time I cried.