Showing posts with label Sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sister. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Written By My Sister

Hi everyone. Tonight I want to share my mother with you and the journey my family has been through throughout our life.

When I was four years old my mother’s kidney failed, yet she was successfully able to have a transplant from a three year old donor. This wasn’t all. She was also diagnosed with diabetes and a hearing impairment. My mother is a petite and fragile lady; she weighs roughly the same as the average 9 year old. I can barely count the many trips we took back and forth from the hospital. All I can say as life went on, so did my mother’s health as it slowly deteriorated more and more.

In 8th grade my mother completely lost her hearing, not just in one ear, but in both. She underwent surgery to insert cochlear implants. These are magnets inserted in the brain, connected to an outer piece, and without it she is completely deaf.

The summer going into highschool I was fortunate to have been able to attend sleep-away camp. This opportunity allowed me to feel like any ordinary 13 year old girl. As I was coming home, I was most looking forward to having my mother pick me from the bus. But as the pulled in to the parking lot, I saw my father sitting there instead, I automatically registered something was definitely wrong. My father then told me the news that would change my life forever, my mother’s health was spiraling out of control. My mother had a stroke leaving the left side of her body severely damaged. That summer was the beginning of a new reality. Instead of me spending my summer shopping and having fun with friends, I sat by mother’s side in the hospital and prayed for her recovery. Fortunately, we were able to bring my mother home a month later. Along with my mother’s presence came nurses and physical therapists who attended for my mother when we weren’t home.

Half way through 11th grade my mother developed a disease called fahr’s disease. For those unfamiliar with the disease symptoms include; deterioration of motor functions and speech, seizures, and involuntary movements, headaches, dementia, vision impairment, tiredness, slow or slurred speech, difficulty swallowing, and neuropsychiatric symptoms. These are all symptoms similar to Parkinson’s disease. All of this is caused by a buildup of calcium in the brain. Unfortunately, there is no cure for this.

Because of all these symptoms we are no longer capable of taking care of my mother in our own home. From that point on till today, my mother lives in a Jewish nursing home that I and my family have spent that past three years of our lives.

Just like most of us, I haven’t seen my mother in the past 9 months. YET FOR ME IT IS SO DIFFERENT. As of this year my mother is no longer able to walk, my mother is no longer able to speak, and my mother barely knows my own name.

Just imagine if YOU had to shower your own mother. Just imagine if YOU had to dress you own mother. And just imagine if YOU had to feed your own mother.
  • A major lesson I have learnt from this all is that in life we are given our own personal situations. I knew I had no choice but to accept mine. 
  • I learnt the real meaning of chessed. From all the volunteers who are still constantly helping me and my family. 
  • I learnt that the phrase “I am bored”, should never be said. Because then Hashem will place something in your life so you won’t be bored. 
  • Lastly, this lesson we can all work on. THE POWER OF SENSITIVITY! It is so easy for all of us to just talk without thinking. We all discuss topics without thinking who in the room my words might be targeting. 
Just a simple example;

Many times people talk about how they miss their mother’s homemade food.
But for me I just miss my mother’s presence.

Many people complain about doing chores to help their mother.
But I just wish my mother could ask me to do something for her.

I want to end off by saying we should all look around and recognize the people we have in our lives; for some people it’s their family, some friends, and some teachers, but regardless of who they are it’s what they are to us.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

A Letter To My Sister

Dear D

I can’t believe that I am actually writing this letter. But here goes. You are finally 18. Finally going to Israel. Taking the next step in your life. You have waited for this for so long. Independence. Freedom.

There’s so much that I could tell you. But I don't really have the words. A long history. We both know. We were always so close. Fighting together. Side by side. Dealing with life. But things happens. And that’s part of life. It’s ok. It makes us stronger. And one day we'll look back and laugh. I know, no one ever likes to hear that but it’s partially true.

I hope you know that you can always count on me. That I'll always be here for you. A phone call away. And now a plane ride away. I'll always worry about you. And care about your wellbeing. I might say things you won’t like. But that’s what big sisters are for. Support. Love. I even pray for you. (And that’s saying something.) I want the best for you. I know you can do it. And I believe in you.

Here is my advice and wish for you:

You gotta believe in yourself…And not let things hold you back…Not your situation…And especially not people…Make sure to always surround yourself with happy people….Who will be a positive influence on you….And that you will be a positive influence on them….Make sure to be a loyal person….And always follow your gut….Your heart….You know what is right….Don’t let the past bring you down…Live in the present….Enjoy every moment….Because it will never happen again….Have a plan for the future….But don’t always wait for the next thing….You’ll miss out on the now….Get a good night sleep….That will make every day so much better…You will be a better, more stable person on a good night’s sleep….It’s ok to miss that late night conversation….Take every moment in Israel (in life) and soak it in….You will never have this opportunity again….Taste every food.…Take every class….Talk to every teacher….Go to every Shabbos experience….And go to a therapist….Tell him/her what you really feel….And work through things….Don’t hold back….This is your opportunity….Your chance….Don’t let it slip by…Before you blink, it will be over….And real life will hit you.

Just remember that you are strong. And kind. And that you can do anything you set your heart to. I will always be rooting for you. I am your big sister.

I love you very much. And I’ll miss you a lot.

Love,
R


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Awake

Burnt out. Life cannot take a pause. No calm allowed. Tired. Fed up. Is there a message I am supposed to be seeing. I literally do not know how I keep moving. What is this miraculous source that keeps me going. What exactly is motivating me.

Dropped in a desert with no water. No food. No shelter.  No clothes. Nothing. Alone. And yet, I am that cactus. Functioning. Surviving. On the bare minimum. How is it possible. How have I not succumbed to my surroundings. How have I not given up yet.

You say that I am special.  That I have potential. All I can answer you is that I feel worthless. Unworthy. A waste of space. My purpose on this earth is to serve. To take care of others. To give. There is no real me. I am a shadow.

And this purpose that I have had my entire life is suddenly gone. Swept out from under my feet. Excused from all responsibility. Without choice. No warning. An empty nest. Barren. Others making decisions. Completely taken out of my hands. Unattached. Silent. Removed. Mute.

You have perverted life. Made decisions without all the facts. Distorted reality. Sheltered. Avoided. Abused your power. Corrupted. Shattered life. Broken a family. Damaged the future. All for what. Instant gratification. A moment of pleasure. Supposed happiness. No long-term goals. No plan for the future. Destruction. Life-long devastation. Enabled. Crippled.

Loss. Unattainable expectation. Alone. Who will pick up the pieces. The glass shatters. Who will be there. No physical contact. Masked emotion. Bleeding tears. Toss and turn. Blinding darkness. Egg dripping down the windshield. Black and blue. Blinking lights. Deafening sound. Uncontrollable.

Time to wake up. Good morning.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

A week in the life....

So it's been an interesting life so far. Specifically this week. But then again, what else is new? It's never boring. Never a dull moment. And it's probably better off that way. I don't know if I could handle a quiet life. That would probably force me to deal with reality.

Sunday. Went boating with my sister. That was a fun experience. Not. I love driving to the lake. Windows down. Music blasting. Hair flying. I sang out loud the whole trip. She said not a word. Then, silence in the kayak. The weather was fabulous. I refused to let her mood get to me. Drive home. Silent. 

Later on, I drove to SS. Figured I should drive to him this time. He came to me the first two times. We went bowling. Awkward. Then went out to eat. You figure that you're about 45 minutes away from home. Privacy. Secrecy. Nope. My neighbor is behind us in line. A "friend" and her family are sitting in the back corner. As we continue our awkward conversation, an actual friend walks in with her family. I mean, seriously. Can't a girl get some space. 

Monday. Went painting with friends. Politics. Making a statement. Very obvious move. I had a blast. It felt great that others knew where I stand. Let them wonder. 

Tuesday. Went swimming. Ahhh the sun is truly my friend. Super relaxing. Rushed home to shower. Off to the rabbi with father and sister. Talk about an experience. Oh, Na was there too. After all, she runs our lives. Can't leave her out. Topics of discussion. Internet. Texting. Oh right. Communication. Or rather, lack there of. How do you spell "silent treatment?" Wait, what. Denial is our friend. Yay. How do we leave off. Oh yeah, going to a family therapist. Woot woot. Can't wait. 

Wednesday. Finally had a conversation. Been avoiding. Over thinking. Mutually agreed it wasn't the right fit. No chemistry. No desire to open up.

Went to Al-Anon for the first time. No, no one in my family is an alcoholic. Well, not really. Went for the experience. To hear others' stories of living in dysfunction. Yup. So that was enlightening. And slightly draining. No actually, really draining. Adults who are perpetuating and repeating the past. Super fun. 

Received an email from "friend" asking for help. Yup, I know what happened. How could she not. Totally delusional. She's said things to me that have hurt. So clueless. Wrapped up in her own world. Not my problem. Gave a vague, non helpful answer. No response. Oh well. 

Thursday. Out to dinner. Practicing communication. Food shopping. Off to basketball. Amazing. Finally. Run. Pass. Shoot. Three pointer. That's what I'm taking about. 

Friday. Work my ass off. Nursing home. Paint my nails. Finally. 

Shabbos. 

Monday, January 13, 2014

Hesped

Crying my eyes out
Watching a hesped 
Of a husband 
Mourning the loss
Of his 24 year old wife 
Mother of his 
5 month old child
Taken away suddenly
There are no answers
No reasons 
It's always the good ones
That get taken 
Far too early 
Snatched from this earth 
No time to say goodbye
Her child is motherless 
Her sister is now an only child
Parents have lost a daughter 
The world 
Is an emptier place 
A pure soul
Has been taken back to its creator
Leaving a massive gap
A tremendous hole


Horrible Sadness....

Such terrible tragedies going on around me. People who I know well are suffering and in pain. Death and pain all around. Babies born out of wedlock. What is this world coming to? I can't take my mind of these things. So much sadness. Horrible sadness.

A girl my age dies after years of suffering from cancer. Gets sent home from the hospital to Hospice. Sent home to die. But then she dies. She was only 27 years old. Leaving behind a loving husband, family, friends. She was a kind and sweet person. Gentle. Pure.

A friend posts on Facebook yesterday that she regrets to let everyone know that her dear sister has passed away. A younger sister. Mother of a four month old. Dead. Leaves behind a husband. A family. A baby. A motherless baby. My friend has to bury her sister. Her younger sister.

A girl I went to high school with just had a baby with her Mexican boyfriend. Her boyfriend that she works at the local pizza store with. The newborn already looks Mexican. The mother is a blond haired, blue eyed Jew. Her child will have no nachala (portion in Israel). Who gives this child a bris? This girl was adopted as a small child. Her parents gave her everything. For what?

What has happened to the world. Or was it always like this. Miserable. Horrid. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the silver lining? Tell me. Where?

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Dripping With Anger

Really?
You're gonna say that I'm a bad influence?
You're gonna put this all on me?
I'm to blame for your behavior?
Are you kidding me?
Who keeps this family glued together?
Who makes sure everyone is taken care of?
Who? Who?
Who steps in when you decide to shut down?
And what have you done? 
You've shut yourself down
And you have the audacity to blame me!
Are you for real?
You can't even have a conversation
Instead you act like the toddler that you are
Avoid the people in your life
Your allies
Your support system 
Have I not been your sounding board for the last who knows how many years?
Have I not been the mother for your children that they never had?
Have I not stepped in for the wife that you never had?
Have I not been through hell in back and dealt with it alone?
Without parent
Without support 
Without love 
Alone!
Do you even know what I've been through?
What I've overcome?
Who I was and who I have become?
Do you know me at all??
I'm a bad influence? Really?!?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Killing Us Slowly

I can't deal.

My sister is laying in her bed crying. Crying off and on for the last hour. I tell her I love her. But she still cries. She is so mad at my father. Her father. This is the girl that rarely shows emotion. She's crying. 

And I lay here in the dark. Absent of emotion. Numb. I envy her tears. I desire her outburst of emotion. I feel apathy towards him. For myself. But for her, I want to strangle him. Shake him awake from his deep sleep. Make him apologize. Fix this mess he has caused. 

My sister is crying. And it's all his fault. His neglect is damaging our lives. It is ruining the balance of our home. Killing us slowly. 

And she continues to cry. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Sister

Life long friend
Childhood companion
Loyal ally
Bed mate 
Clothes borrower
Tickle attacker 
Mirror hogger
Secret keeper 
Constant
Faithful
Dependable 
Loving 
Caring 
Forever 
Sister