psa

NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT

A week in the life....

So it's been an interesting life so far. Specifically this week. But then again, what else is new? It's never boring. Never a dull moment. And it's probably better off that way. I don't know if I could handle a quiet life. That would probably force me to deal with reality.

Sunday. Went boating with my sister. That was a fun experience. Not. I love driving to the lake. Windows down. Music blasting. Hair flying. I sang out loud the whole trip. She said not a word. Then, silence in the kayak. The weather was fabulous. I refused to let her mood get to me. Drive home. Silent. 

Later on, I drove to SS. Figured I should drive to him this time. He came to me the first two times. We went bowling. Awkward. Then went out to eat. You figure that you're about 45 minutes away from home. Privacy. Secrecy. Nope. My neighbor is behind us in line. A "friend" and her family are sitting in the back corner. As we continue our awkward conversation, an actual friend walks in with her family. I mean, seriously. Can't a girl get some space. 

Monday. Went painting with friends. Politics. Making a statement. Very obvious move. I had a blast. It felt great that others knew where I stand. Let them wonder. 

Tuesday. Went swimming. Ahhh the sun is truly my friend. Super relaxing. Rushed home to shower. Off to the rabbi with father and sister. Talk about an experience. Oh, Na was there too. After all, she runs our lives. Can't leave her out. Topics of discussion. Internet. Texting. Oh right. Communication. Or rather, lack there of. How do you spell "silent treatment?" Wait, what. Denial is our friend. Yay. How do we leave off. Oh yeah, going to a family therapist. Woot woot. Can't wait. 

Wednesday. Finally had a conversation. Been avoiding. Over thinking. Mutually agreed it wasn't the right fit. No chemistry. No desire to open up.

Went to Al-Anon for the first time. No, no one in my family is an alcoholic. Well, not really. Went for the experience. To hear others' stories of living in dysfunction. Yup. So that was enlightening. And slightly draining. No actually, really draining. Adults who are perpetuating and repeating the past. Super fun. 

Received an email from "friend" asking for help. Yup, I know what happened. How could she not. Totally delusional. She's said things to me that have hurt. So clueless. Wrapped up in her own world. Not my problem. Gave a vague, non helpful answer. No response. Oh well. 

Thursday. Out to dinner. Practicing communication. Food shopping. Off to basketball. Amazing. Finally. Run. Pass. Shoot. Three pointer. That's what I'm taking about. 

Friday. Work my ass off. Nursing home. Paint my nails. Finally. 

Shabbos. 

Delusional Friendships

Her email- 

R, 

I don't know how to word this and I am debating in my head if I should write it at all. But, it has been bothering me for a while and if anyone can help me I think it's you.

I really enjoyed my friendship with Z, and felt that we were very close friends. It seems that all of a sudden one day the frienship ujust turned off. I want to figure out how I hurt her so I can try to make amends, it really eats at me that our freindship ended so abruptly. I am not expecting to "pick up where we left off", I just want to right any wrongs I did. 

I was wondering if you had any insights that could help me piece this together? I don't want to "drag you" into something 1) because I don't think there is a "something" and 2) you have enough on your plate. I just know that you are very aware of people's feelings and know me and Z well enough to hopefully be able to help. 

Please don't share this with Z, or anyone else. I have tried asking Z but she brushed me off. I don't think you asking her "head on" would help either, but again, if you had any insight I would really appreciate it.

My response -

Hey,

Sorry I haven't had time to respond.

I wish I could really help you. Honestly, I  don't know. I think it's natural for friends to grow apart. It's definitely a hard reality. But isn't that life? I'm not sure what happened between you two. I really try to stay out of everyone else's business. It's just a simpler and less dramatic way to live.

I do know that every single one of us has not had the "easiest" life and sometimes taking space is the only way to function. Less painful than opening up to those around us. I know that I have taken that approach.

I'm sorry if I can't be more help. Sometimes, I miss the days when we were younger and more naive. When life was "simpler" and we were all just getting together for a potluck. But sadly, and maybe realistically, those days are behind us. We have all had to grow up. And that's part of life.

I guess the question is "now what?"  And for that I definitely do not have an answer.

R :)

Open Me Up

Why is it so hard for me to open up. Why has it always been so easy to open up to total strangers. To people who could not be there for me. Who maybe did not even care. Who had other lives. That did not include me. I was a secret. A dirty little secret. To too many. I was not first. I was used. But it was so easy. Simple. I could say whatever I wanted. Be whoever I wanted. Whoever they wanted me to be. Was that the real me. Was it all a game. Fake. A facade. I could tell them whatever truth I wanted. Even if it was an ugly one. I didn't feel judged.

But now. When it actually matters. When it's real life. My life. I am silent. I cannot open my mouth. I cannot share a thing. Everything is on the surface. I can't break through. I do not know how to open up. There is potential right in front of me. And I will lose the opportunity. All because my lips are sealed. My walls have flown up. And I do not know how to break them down. I'm scared to introduce the real me. The complicated, imperfect version of me. Most people can not handle truth. It's all too much. I'm too much.

So now what. How do I get past this fear. This constant fear of unknown. It's not others' I should be concerned about. It seems it's my own judgement I am fearing. It seems it's me who doesn't feel worthwhile. Worthy. Why am I constantly my own worst enemy. Harshest critic. Why can't I see that I am a good person. That I am not so bad. That the past does not define me. It builds me. How can I open up if I do not see my own good qualities. Who am I really punishing.

Endless Pattern

Do you realize what you're doing. How your actions affect other people. Do you see me. Or are you looking through me. Do you see a pattern. An unhealthy cycle. Why must this continue. Happen once again. When will you learn from the past. And not continue to repeat it. Do you feel bad. Do you notice the damage you cause. The pain you cannot erase. The distrust that arises and develops. Never to return. Are you so far gone that you do not notice anymore. Cannot choose your family. Are you so alone and wrapped up in your own mind. You don't see what you're doing. How many times will there be room for forgiveness. Will we always be able to let you back in when you come around. When you decide you're ready. Can we withstand this one more time. Do you see us hurting. Desperate for your love and attention. Are you totally blinded by your own pain. Is she all you can think about. Must she consume your every thought. Do you see how crippled you've made us. Do you. Do you.

Separation is Reality

I'm so sad to hear a friend is separated from her husband. It's scary to think that we all got married too young. Young and naive. Idealistic and stupid. Following our hearts and not our brains. Did I luck out? Did I get out early? When very little damage could be done? Did I have time to myself. To grow. To mature. To live. Alone. Without another. No one else to rule my life. No future consequences. A clean break. Separation for me was a given. The minute it started, it was the end. The end of a life. End of reality. He wanted out. There was no chance for any forgiveness. He got what he wanted. But truly, separation should be a chance. A chance to figure things out. To work things through. You got married for a reason. Because you saw something in each other. Was it only peer pressure. Family pressure. The thing everyone was doing. Marrying high school boyfriends. Now what. Is no one really happy. Are there no good marriages. Is everything a facade. Are you all faking. Do true love and happiness not exist. Is it unattainable. What has come of this world. What will happen to everyone. Are you happy. Is anyone happy. Is there a chance for me.

Nope. Not For Me

I made a decision. It's been weighing on me for a while. I choose not to do it. And I feel good about it. The stress doesn't need to be mine. I have weighed the pros and cons. Over and over again. It's not the right fit for me. I can do better. And I will do better. This does not define me. This may be an opportunity that I am passing up. But I can make other opportunities. I will make something of myself. And this is not it. This is not right. I feel it in my gut. I feel it in my soul. I am sure of this decision. I could ask a million other people what they think. And they will all think I am crazy. But the choice is mine. Yes, I am very capable and I could totally pull it off. But the final answer is that I do not want to. This is not me avoiding my potential. This is me finally admitting what I want. And this is not it. Sighing a sigh of relief. Tonight I sleep with no worries.