6 Years.

6 Years.

72 Months.
2190 Days.
52560 Hours.
3153600 Minutes.

Time is a funny thing.
Slows down when you need it to pass.
Flies by when you want to catch the moment.
You can't change it.
Only relive it.

Time has a mind of its own.
Memories are confused.
Brain in a fog.
Thoughts rearranged.
Is any of it true.

Time never leaves.

Always in the background.

You can't escape it.
Only avoid suffocation.
Wait to forget.

This day comes every year. 

Less and less meaning. 

As time evaporates. 

Memories fade. 

Tomorrow is another day. 

Polar

Polar opposites

Two sides of a coin

Day and night

Sun and moon

One young and the other old

The young one is quiet. Often introspective. Thoughts flood her mind at all times. She is mostly sad. Stuck in a past life. Forever reliving memories. She is 6 years old. Wants to be held. To be heard. To be listened to. She is artistic. Creative. A loyal friend. Would drop anything to be there for you.  

The old one is loud. A leader. A bitch. Take charge kind of gal. She has a hard shell. Built a fortress around her heart. No one would dare enter. Giving up is not option. She shows up. No matter what. Fights to lead a functional life. No one can think she is weak. She is 80. Propelled into adulthood. Forced to be mature. Make life decisions. She is a fighter. She will leave before you hurt her.

One is mean to the other

Telling her to snap out of it

Not to fall into the trap

Of life

Of love

The other is sad

She is tired

Begging the other to make things ok

To hold her hand

Waiting for a pain free moment

They are polar

But perhaps one day they could meet

Join forces

Unite

And form an alliance

Sarcasm is A bitch

Once upon a time there was a girl named Olive. She lived in her perfect little world where everything was amazing. She was surrounded by butterflies and unicorns. Money grew on trees. Her family and friends all adored her and appreciated all her many great qualities and talents. She was happy and healthy. Life was fabulous. She just emanated joy. She had a future. And lived every moment of her present.
The end.

Interference

It's not healthy for me. Don't you get it. Why would you even bother. Have I not made myself clear. I asked you to stop. In the nicest way possible. So please tell me why. Why would you even try. Do you think I wasn't serious. That I don't stick to my word. 

I don't need this. Reading old messages. Emails. Of a previous lifetime. Someone that wasn't me. That I never wanted to be. A trap that I fell into. Judging myself throughout. 

I've moved forward. Onward. I'm trying. But it's hard. All the time. Nothing comes easy. Nothing is simple. Blockades at every turn. The world desperately waiting to see me stumble. Fall flat on my face. Accomplishing nothing. 

I will not give in. Not to the pain. Not to the fear. No person will stand in my way. Not even myself. I will fight. And push through. No matter the cost. Or the loss. You will not be a problem. A tiny fleck of dust I have blown away. You and everyone else. No interference. Not a thing.

Eat your food. Don't wear it.

I've been watching this show. I don't know why but it kind of fascinates me. Each episode shows two points of view of the same story. The first half shows the man's story and the second half shows her version of what happened. They are wearing different clothes, the conversations are different. It is their own unique story.

It makes me think of life. Of how we interact with the world around us. People in our lives. We each walk around with a bubble surrounding us. We are each the center of our own world. And everyone else is playing a part in it. And there are billions of bubbles all trying to interact.

I recently had an experience where I should have followed my gut. I let people talk me into doing something that I knew deep inside that I didn't want to do. But for the good of the cause. Possibly for my future. I agreed. What a waste of time. I knew it wasn't right. But I went along with it. To make them happy. Not to be rude.

This is my bubble. And I know better than to ignore my gut. This was a wonderful reminder of what I want. And do not want. A reminder that I make my own decisions. Without unnecessary advice. Or influence. This is my story. I can be choosey about who I let in. And that is ok. There are no rules.

So heads up. I am not a bitch. And I am not quiet. I won't waste my time. I will speak if I find it necessary. And have fun when I feel comfortable. No one will put me in a box. Label me. Or force me into their bubble. This is my show. My world. And I will decide.

ok..but..yeah..so...well...

Ok.

I know I should be excited. Motivated. Energized to move forward. Take the next step. This is what I have been waiting for. Right? I do want to get married. In theory. Be in a relationship. Have someone to come home to. Cuddle with. A Shabbos table. Companionship. Love. Technically. I do want to look at that person and know we will grow old together.

But.

I am finally settled. In myself. Getting there with my life. Internally, I feel strong. Most of the time. I know what I want. I live how I want to live. No one calls the shots. No one controls me. I don't feel controlled. I feel quite free. I am not even shackled in myself. For the first time I can admit that I am breathing. Living. Enjoying.

Yeah.

I have my moments. When I am down. When I see no hope. When I can't move. But I no longer feel defined by those moments. That is all they are. Moments. They are not me. I am finally comfortable. Doing things that make me happy. Productive. Making smart decisions. Living in the present. Working towards the future.

So.

Why would I mess that up. Progress. Is it smart to rock the boat. Will holes appear in the deck? Water start pouring in. Sink. Will I sink all over again. Is this all fear talking. Fear of the unknown. Of difference. Being vulnerable. Opening up. Letting someone in. Am I so closed off from the past. That I cannot move forward. Or am I just cautious. Guarding my heart. My soul. My life.

Well.

Sometimes things come up. Life is unpredictable. And you gotta roll with the punches. Or else life passes you by. You blink and you miss something. You can't take a break from reality. You have to face it. Because you never know what you might be capable of.

Here goes nothing.

Hugs in the Street

Went for a walk with my dad last night. It was umm nice. We talked about our day. We are able to have basic conversation. Talking about nothing real. I know that he's making an effort and I guess so am I. But is this what a father daughter relationship is supposed to look like. Cordial. On the surface. I tiptoe around him. Hold back. I have this major secret. And I just can't tell him.

I sit here and I think about all the damage caused. The psychological sorrow. The never ending baggage. One line rings in my head. Refuses to be forgotten. "If I don't hug my children, they'll get hugs in the streets." That line has ruined me. A defining moment. Life altering. 

How many poor decisions I've made. Is it coincidence that I've gotten myself involved in compromising situations. Always searching. Trapped in an illusion. Unattainable relationships. Unavailable hearts. Belonging elsewhere. Never to me. For me. 

So now I choose to be alone. Share my heart with no one. Protect myself. The walls go up so no one can penetrate. Because anytime I let them down, I've gotten hurt. Been harmed. Damaged. Betrayed. It's never been about me. Not once. No one has ever chosen me. Not my father and not anyone else.