Distorted Religion Part 2

Would you ever park in a handicapped spot without tags
Do you run red lights
Drive through stop signs
Would you you ever hit a parked car and then drive off
How about a hit and run

What color is your shirt
Do you cover your head
Send your children to same-gender private schools
Consider yourself CHOSEN
"A light unto the nations"

Go ahead and leave a nasty message on my voicemail
Or better yet threaten me
Tell me what I am doing is wrong
And that I have a lot to think about
Who the hell do you think you are

I'm very aware that my mother hasn't been home in a year
Thanks for reminding me
And showing me the proper way to be
How to lead my life
You are a fantastic example

Threatening to call my Rabbi
What a move
As if we were playing chess
Trying to knock my piece off the board
When I was never really playing

You think you are representing Orthodoxy
In truth you are constantly distorting reality
This is not the religion that I subscribe to
You pervert the world
Create a nasty image

So make sure that your elbows are hidden
Your collarbone is suffocated by fabric
And not a single hair is showing
Eat only the strictest kashrut possible
And wait the longest possible time after Shabbos

I aspire to be just like you
As you spit in my face
And your husband tramples the Israeli flag
When your child destroys our property
I see where your priorities are

So go ahead and call my Rabbi
He's dealing with life and death
sometimes mine
He really cares about your law breaking
And petty behavior

Please keep calling me
Trying to prove your ways
You may as well hold a pillow over my face
Your suffocating life makes me ill
And I will never be like you

Distorted Religion

There's something seriously wrong with me. I feel like I can't hold back from saying what I think. Like my filter is completely not there.  And yes I know I rarely use it. But at least normally I am able to bite my tongue. Today, I am just on fire. I can blame this on the side effects of all the meds. That have completely wrecked my body. Or the lack of sleep. The nausea. But truthfully, I am just fed up.

It's people like you who make me hate this religion. Who push me away further and further. How dare you cover your hair. Your husband wears the uniform. Black and white. And yet you continue to look down on me. And then you call me judgemental. What happened to following the laws of the land. Your children are disrespectful and destructive. Your four year old constantly ruins our property. And all you do is laugh it off.

You think because you look the part that you can do whatever you want. It's not only about following god's law. Ever heard of treating others properly. Has that completely fallen off your radar. You think you know what's going on in someone's life. That you can make assumptions. Assessments. But you really have not a single clue. There are things that would make you sob your eyes out. You can't even begin to imagine what happens behind closed doors.

And the sick thing is that you of all people DO know. You have witnessed plenty. You are not new here. And I actually think you are a nice person. But how naive can you be. How can you make such statements. Life is fragile. And you never know what a person is going through. But go ahead. Be all high and mighty in your stockings and wig. Do you think that justifies your behavior. Of those like you. Do you actually think that this is what god had in mind.

How dare you call me judgemental. More like hateful. Disappointed. Let down. You and your kind are on this pedestal. You are supposed to be "chosen". You are supposed to be the pure ones. But instead you corrupt and pollute. Distort this religion. This is not what god intended. Not our tradition. You have created this world of us and them. And it's not ok. I refuse to subscribe to your distorted view. It's not authentic. Count me out.

You are lucky that there are people out there who save face. Who are kind. They don't look at my elbows. Or measure the length of my skirt. Their arms are open. Making this religion manageable for one small second. It's people like them that remind me that not everyone is like you. There is goodness and kindness. Generosity. They are non judgmental. And would never behave or speak the way you do. Their children are positive additions to society. And unlike you, they keep this religion going.

So go about your life. Be all high and mighty. Good luck with that.

Awake

Burnt out. Life cannot take a pause. No calm allowed. Tired. Fed up. Is there a message I am supposed to be seeing. I literally do not know how I keep moving. What is this miraculous source that keeps me going. What exactly is motivating me.

Dropped in a desert with no water. No food. No shelter.  No clothes. Nothing. Alone. And yet, I am that cactus. Functioning. Surviving. On the bare minimum. How is it possible. How have I not succumbed to my surroundings. How have I not given up yet.

You say that I am special.  That I have potential. All I can answer you is that I feel worthless. Unworthy. A waste of space. My purpose on this earth is to serve. To take care of others. To give. There is no real me. I am a shadow.

And this purpose that I have had my entire life is suddenly gone. Swept out from under my feet. Excused from all responsibility. Without choice. No warning. An empty nest. Barren. Others making decisions. Completely taken out of my hands. Unattached. Silent. Removed. Mute.

You have perverted life. Made decisions without all the facts. Distorted reality. Sheltered. Avoided. Abused your power. Corrupted. Shattered life. Broken a family. Damaged the future. All for what. Instant gratification. A moment of pleasure. Supposed happiness. No long-term goals. No plan for the future. Destruction. Life-long devastation. Enabled. Crippled.

Loss. Unattainable expectation. Alone. Who will pick up the pieces. The glass shatters. Who will be there. No physical contact. Masked emotion. Bleeding tears. Toss and turn. Blinding darkness. Egg dripping down the windshield. Black and blue. Blinking lights. Deafening sound. Uncontrollable.

Time to wake up. Good morning.