Thursday, July 30, 2015


Today is Yom Haatzmaut. Yes, I'm wearing blue and white. Go Israel! Today like every day, I contemplate my life. It's almost my birthday. Another year has flown by. What do I have to show for myself? What have I accomplished?

I feel very stuck. I'm still haunted by the past. Most days I can barely live in the present. I work hard to live in the process. But the now is so difficult. There's not much to keep me going. Every day that I get out of bed is a miracle. I'm stuck.

I'm that soda bottle. All is calm until you shake it. And then you take the top off and fizz explodes everywhere, a lot less soda left. I'm sitting alone in a glass box. There's a key sitting right outside the glass. And yet, I don't make any effort to get out. I don't budge. I know the glass is breakable. I know there's a key right outside of my prison. But I can't move. I am incapable of making things better for myself. I choose to be stuck. I know no other way to function.

Where do I fit in? What is my purpose? Why was I created? What am I doing here? What do I want?

I've created this bubble, this reality. I have solidified my perspective. Manipulated my emotions. I have erased any possible expectations. And I can no longer be disappointed. I don't trust. I move. I do. Function. I am dependable. I am relied upon. I am your friend. Your caretaker. Your parent. Your spouse. I am defined by what you need. I am defined by you. There is no me. I am a figment of your imagination. A shell. I live to serve you.

I am deflated. Mute. I have quit fighting. A prisoner in my own life. Of my own mind.

On this very important day, I feel nothing. I wear the colors. But they mean nothing to me. I am not where I am supposed to be. I am lost. I am lost.

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