Wednesday, July 22, 2015

F....enough with the yiddish names

How horrible is it that I'm jealous. I only met you once. We hung out at a bar in the city years ago. A lifetime ago. I wasn't such a fan. But then again, how many people do I really like. That doesn't say anything about you. Probably says more about me.

I'm envious of your bravery. The fact that your plan worked. You showed everyone. You no longer have to face your demons. It is the world who has to now look for answers. Pretend to understand what your life was about. Everyone else feels pain now. You are finally pain free. Don't people get that. You are free.

Is it terrible that I am happy for you. Envious of you. Wish I was as brave as you. Wish I could take that final leap. Never look back. People can talk about how you were at the peak of your life. Making a difference. Doing so well. Yada Yada. What do they really know. No one understands. No one knows what's going on deep on the inside. The outside is one big facade. You put a face on so that people can be around you. But maybe you can't be around them.

Maybe you survived just the right amount. Maybe some people aren't meant to live a long full life. Maybe some of us have already lived too long. Does anyone ever consider that. Sometimes, a long life is not in the cards. Not desired. Not something to aspire to. Some of us live day by day. Hour by hour. Minute to minute. Every day that we wake up is a miracle. Is torturous to get up and face the day. Face the world. Because you don't belong. You don't want to be there.

So to you, I say congratulations. On finally graduating. From this life. From this world. From your misery. To everyone else. I will continue to say. You have no idea. No idea what a person is. What they are made up of. Who they really are. Don't try to understand after the fact. It's too late. You can look for answers. Try to place blame. But the blame should be internal.

Life is not for everyone.


15 comments:

  1. Suicide is the cowards way out. It takes strength to more forward. It takes bravery and courage to live.

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    Replies
    1. Not sure how to respond.... Ummmm

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    2. Maybe. But at the end of the day, if you don't see a point to living, or if you think the negatives outweigh the positives, why bother?

      And I wouldn't be so quick to use "coward" as an insult for someone looking to get out of their life, untill you would (theoretically, because nobody can) fully understand and empathize with everything they are going through.

      And generally, calling a suicidal person a coward not only doesn't help, it can actively make things worse.

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    3. I'll have to agree with Monster. Calling someone a COWARD is quite a strong accusation. Sometimes I feel like a coward for still being alive. When I know that it is weakness that keeps me alive.

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  2. i hope you are getting help for the demons your living with. Suicide is not the answer. Proper medication and help is.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your words of encouragement. It is a lifelong battle. I will fight through it.

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  3. I don't have words to respond but i need to respond.
    I am thinking of you...

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    Replies
    1. Are you supposed to be reading my blog?

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    2. Why would I not be? Who do you think I am?

      I just wish I had words to encourage and comfort you. I have been suicidal. I have struggled a lot in my life. a lot of junk that I wish I didn't have to deal with and I can imagine what you feel like. I didn't know Faigy and I have been extremely touched by the situation. It was just a way of saying that I am thinking of you. I couldn't read such pain and not respond.

      So, I am thinking of you

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    3. Sorry< I thought you were someone else. Don't mind me. I'm just all over the place.

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    4. totally understandable
      Good luck with everything. I am thinking of you...

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  4. It wasn't courage - it was mental illness. Killing yourself is neither bravery nor cowardice. It is generally about a flaw in mental processes.

    You can be happy. We've seen it.

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  5. happiness is a sham and so is misery. life sucks and it's also awesome so there no point.

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