Thursday, July 30, 2015

I live to serve

Sometimes I just wish for the end. For it all to be over. I see no point. No silver lining. Nothing in the cup. I see nothing. But feel everything. And nothing at the same time. Or maybe too much of everything. I just need a break. I need a breather from all of this. A pain-free moment. To be calm. I'm just done. I'm tired. Very tired. I feel old. Very old. It's enough.

I feel alone. Fighting this constant battle. Alone. No matter how much you try now. It's too late. You can't make up the damage. It's done. I'm scarred. Crippled. Destroyed. My heart is forever broken. Shattered. With no chance of recovery. I will never be ok. I will always be haunted. Damaged. I am damaged goods. Ruined.

Every day that I get out of bed is a miracle. I don't want to do this anymore. I daydream of a funeral. Mine. Who will attend. Who will speak. How miserable everyone will be. It's magnificent. I want everyone to feel pain. Anguish. I want everyone to feel a void. To wonder. How they caused me to end everything. How insensitive they lead their lives. Serves them all right. Everyone deserves what they get. I hope you all suffer.


  1. you may want to consider something inpatient so you can get the help you need. suicide does not have to be the answer. I am sure lots of people care about you its just hard when you push away also.

  2. Just to clarify. I am NOT suicidal. I do not plan to ever hurt myself. I am most of the time ok. I have bad moments. Bad days. That sometimes last for a while. Most of the time, I only blog when I am angry or depressed. It is not in my nature to write when things are ok.

    Thanks for the concern. I do know that there are people that care. It doesn't always matter.