Thursday, July 23, 2015

ICP Monitoring

You know it's bad when I give in and go to the doctor. Again. The question is do we research the cause of these headaches aggressively? Or continue to "manage" things. I seem to be all talk in front of the neurologist. Confident that I want them to figure this shit out. But when I get home and research the testing they would do, I must admit... It kinda  freaks me out.

Or is it just that I don't want them shaving part of my head. My hair is finally so beautiful and long. Do I sound crazy? Or the fact that I have no one to talk to about this. Or better yet, wouldn't tell anyone that I would be in Hopkins for three days with a catheter in my head. I know I can't blame people if they don't know. But the truth is I'm sad and I'm in pain. Yes, even strong, obnoxious me needs someone right now.  Someone to talk this through. Someone to hold my hand. Tell me everything will be ok and that this is the right step.

To help with my diagnosis. Am I in remission or not? Are these low pressure headaches? Cluster headaches? Migraines? Or is it just my occipital neuralgia? Maybe my shunt is draining too much. Or maybe I've just convinced myself in the shower that I'm being paranoid. It's the summer. I always feel sick in the summer. This will pass, come cooler weather. Or that I'm not taking care of myself. I'm stressed. I have trouble with food. With sleep. And all these things are affecting me. Causing my head to feel like an explosion will go off anytime I laugh, cough or sneeze. Totally normal, right? Or how about the nausea and the acid reflux. Do I sound attractive yet?

So you know what I do to make my life better? I went cold turkey. Stopped all my pills. I told the doctor that I have had enough. I need relief. I have always believed that quality of life is better than quantity. And no, don't assume that this is me being suicidal. I'm trying here. Get it? This is me making an effort. I do want to feel better. Even if there is no one around. No one that really notices me.

Side point, I finally did something good. And again, I told no one. Because that's me. Ms secretive. Living a silent life. But you know what? Fuck you all! I'm going to stress about this and figure it out on my own. Just like I always have. And when I figure it out. I'm going to make my own decision. And no one one will tell me what to do. And then I will make something of myself. And I will never look back.

Don't you love how I'm all talk. Now you know the truth. I'm one big fraud.


  1. I wish I was closer to sit by your bed and hold your hand! (don't mean that to sound creepy, sorry if it did).

    Good luck with everything. If you need to talk, I would be happy to listen