secrets secrets are so fun

I have a confession to make
I like secrets
Privacy
Keeping things to myself
Not sharing with others
Certain others

Sometimes I even lie
To others
To their faces
And I say that I lie to myself
But that is not true
It's false

I am very honest with myself
Totally self-aware
Maybe too much
I know what I am doing
What I am feeling
What I want

I play a part
Wear a mask
A cape
To maintain an illusion
Make the world think one thing
When it is not necessarily true

I make decisions
Plans
Lead my life
Without input
Or advice
Without anyone knowing

I am who I am
Despite everything
And everyone
The walls
And blockades
In Spite of it all

Your advice is unwanted
Commentary can be hurtful
Words are unnecessary
Keep your thoughts to yourself
I am not interested
Makes no difference

So cheers to my secret
It is only mine
For me to screw up
Or possibly succeed
It's mine
My Secret

A Letter To My Sister

Dear D

I can’t believe that I am actually writing this letter. But here goes. You are finally 18. Finally going to Israel. Taking the next step in your life. You have waited for this for so long. Independence. Freedom.

There’s so much that I could tell you. But I don't really have the words. A long history. We both know. We were always so close. Fighting together. Side by side. Dealing with life. But things happens. And that’s part of life. It’s ok. It makes us stronger. And one day we'll look back and laugh. I know, no one ever likes to hear that but it’s partially true.

I hope you know that you can always count on me. That I'll always be here for you. A phone call away. And now a plane ride away. I'll always worry about you. And care about your wellbeing. I might say things you won’t like. But that’s what big sisters are for. Support. Love. I even pray for you. (And that’s saying something.) I want the best for you. I know you can do it. And I believe in you.

Here is my advice and wish for you:

You gotta believe in yourself…And not let things hold you back…Not your situation…And especially not people…Make sure to always surround yourself with happy people….Who will be a positive influence on you….And that you will be a positive influence on them….Make sure to be a loyal person….And always follow your gut….Your heart….You know what is right….Don’t let the past bring you down…Live in the present….Enjoy every moment….Because it will never happen again….Have a plan for the future….But don’t always wait for the next thing….You’ll miss out on the now….Get a good night sleep….That will make every day so much better…You will be a better, more stable person on a good night’s sleep….It’s ok to miss that late night conversation….Take every moment in Israel (in life) and soak it in….You will never have this opportunity again….Taste every food.…Take every class….Talk to every teacher….Go to every Shabbos experience….And go to a therapist….Tell him/her what you really feel….And work through things….Don’t hold back….This is your opportunity….Your chance….Don’t let it slip by…Before you blink, it will be over….And real life will hit you.

Just remember that you are strong. And kind. And that you can do anything you set your heart to. I will always be rooting for you. I am your big sister.

I love you very much. And I’ll miss you a lot.

Love,

R

Hugs in the Street

Went for a walk with my dad last night. It was umm nice. We talked about our day. We are able to have basic conversation. Talking about nothing real. I know that he's making an effort and I guess so am I. But is this what a father daughter relationship is supposed to look like. Cordial. On the surface. I tiptoe around him. Hold back. I have this major secret. And I just can't tell him.

I sit here and I think about all the damage caused. The psychological sorrow. The never ending baggage. One line rings in my head. Refuses to be forgotten. "If I don't hug my children, they'll get hugs in the streets." That line has ruined me. A defining moment. Life altering. 

How many poor decisions I've made. Is it coincidence that I've gotten myself involved in compromising situations. Always searching. Trapped in an illusion. Unattainable relationships. Unavailable hearts. Belonging elsewhere. Never to me. For me. 

So now I choose to be alone. Share my heart with no one. Protect myself. The walls go up so no one can penetrate. Because anytime I let them down, I've gotten hurt. Been harmed. Damaged. Betrayed. It's never been about me. Not once. No one has ever chosen me. Not my father and not anyone else. 

Distorted Religion Part 2

Would you ever park in a handicapped spot without tags
Do you run red lights
Drive through stop signs
Would you you ever hit a parked car and then drive off
How about a hit and run

What color is your shirt
Do you cover your head
Send your children to same-gender private schools
Consider yourself CHOSEN
"A light unto the nations"

Go ahead and leave a nasty message on my voicemail
Or better yet threaten me
Tell me what I am doing is wrong
And that I have a lot to think about
Who the hell do you think you are

I'm very aware that my mother hasn't been home in a year
Thanks for reminding me
And showing me the proper way to be
How to lead my life
You are a fantastic example

Threatening to call my Rabbi
What a move
As if we were playing chess
Trying to knock my piece off the board
When I was never really playing

You think you are representing Orthodoxy
In truth you are constantly distorting reality
This is not the religion that I subscribe to
You pervert the world
Create a nasty image

So make sure that your elbows are hidden
Your collarbone is suffocated by fabric
And not a single hair is showing
Eat only the strictest kashrut possible
And wait the longest possible time after Shabbos

I aspire to be just like you
As you spit in my face
And your husband tramples the Israeli flag
When your child destroys our property
I see where your priorities are

So go ahead and call my Rabbi
He's dealing with life and death
sometimes mine
He really cares about your law breaking
And petty behavior

Please keep calling me
Trying to prove your ways
You may as well hold a pillow over my face
Your suffocating life makes me ill
And I will never be like you

Family Reunion

Well I did it. I survived the family reunion. And by that I mean a trip to the cemetery. Because that's where our family gets together. Genius, no?

Bubby's Unveiling surprisingly went off without a hitch. No one punched each other. No cruel words. Just us all standing around. In our own little worlds. Remembering the woman who has left us all alone. Who lived a full life.

And yet we all live incomplete lives. No unity. A sad and pathetic family. Complete and constant disappointment.

How I miss you Bubby.

Every time they say that all your descendants are shabbos observant, I cringe. Is that even true. Have I failed you. Do I disrespect you with the fact that I have trouble with believing. Living this lie. That I don't want to be here.

Are you ashamed of me. That I don't like your family. That I feel abandoned. That each one of us is selfish. Living in our unique, or rather suffocating bubble.

Where are you Bubby. You were supposed to be here. Forever.

I desperately wanted to get up by your new stone and say the truth. Tell everyone what they needed to hear. That you would be ashamed of all of us. Our behaviour. Towards each other. You would be crying if you were here.

I miss you daily Bubby. You were the only one that loved me for me. That accepted without judgement. You made me feel like I belong.

But now you are gone. Almost an entire year without you. And I can't get the picture out of my head. Of you laying peacefully in your bed. A lifeless body. Soul departed to a better place. Far away from me. Leaving me alone.

Even your son didn't come. My grandfather. The selfish Patriarch of the family. He can't step out of himself and be there for any of us. So wrapped up in himself. Consumed.

Am I like him? Have I cut out everyone just like him. You don't come to say goodbye to your own mother. What about my mother. Did it ever occur to you that she needs you. That we might need you.

What kind of family is this. Immediate family is a joke. Extended family is a lie. Where is the support. Where is the understanding. You think if you come to the nursing home once a year, you are covered. You have done your due diligence. You plan a party in your own convenience.

Did it occur to you that I have to make her presentable. That we cringe on the inside. That I went to her room and dragged her out of bed. As she continued to grind her teeth. Sleeping with her eyes open. Unaware that I was even there. That I took her to the bathroom and changed her diaper. Brushed her teeth. And then changed her clothes. Put on her cochlears. Awakened her back into this fake world. All to make her look put together. So you would feel comfortable.

And then you sit there and pretend that this family is normal. That all is ok. That we are all functioning. That we are not suffering. Lacking. Dying on the inside. You did your good deed for the day. You showed up. With fake kisses on each cheek. And talked about nonsense.

And then you left and she was devastated. Crying for hours. Probably still crying. Tears of abandonment. Of loss. Of loneliness. As you go back to your real life. Pretending that we are ok. Convinced that it is not your problem. Not your responsibility. Out of sight out of mind.

So thanks for nothing. As usual. We have it under control. This family that doesn't really exist. A figment of imagination.

Thanks for nothing.