Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Filing Cabinet

I was always one to say that people do not change. That you are who you are. You are the same person you were as a child or even a baby. Personality doesn't change. Perhaps your face changes a bit, but most people still look the same, maybe with a few more wrinkles or some new stretch marks.

Throughout my whole life, I can honestly say that I never changed. I looked the same. I acted the same. My responses to things around me were the same. I was miserable. And perhaps I am being slightly unfair to myself. After all, there were some good times and many happy moments. But as a general whole, I remember feeling miserable pretty much all the time. My memories of the past are tainted with sadness and with bitterness.

Through years and years of various therapists, who helped here and there with the painful situations I was going through at the time, I never got over myself or the past. I let it drown me and wallowed in my own misery. I honestly believed I suffered from severe depression and anxiety and perhaps at that time I did.

Looking back at the last year, I am forced to amend my thoughts. For the first time, I am happy. I haven't been in therapy in over a year. I haven't been on meds in almost a year. I have never felt better. I realized that it was all situational depression. And the minute I was no longer in a bad situation or environment, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder. I became free. Free for the first time. I won't deny that I went through a lot to get here. But I am here now. And there is no way I am losing this self that I have discovered laying deep down inside of me.

So on this very special day, I reflect back on the 27 years I have been granted on this earth. I can honestly say that I am not done. My time here isn't over. There is a lot more left for me to do. I am closing the first section of my life and filing it in the past. It no longer defines me. All of it builds me into who I am today.

Happy Birthday to me.


  1. I wonder if you feel like the change from misery to happiness was (in your mind) a gradual realization or an "aha!" moment. I know from myself it takes a lot to "get happy" so if it was an "aha!" moment, what was it?

    1. I guess my memories are skewed (is that the right word?) I have trouble remembering a lot of details, or maybe I just blocked them all out. Truth is, I am aware that it was a gradual process. For some reason I seem to think that I woke up one day and was just happy all of the sudden.

  2. This is wonderful! Love reading it!