It's something that I've thought a lot about. And there's plenty more to think about. And then there's what I'll feel once I'm with someone (if that ever happens). For me, it even goes a step further. Will I touch the guy I'm dating seriously? Would I sleep with him before marriage?
So as of now, I am not planning on touching. Just because if I want to keep niddah properly, then its very hard for me to switch on and off. And I know that many people do. I've spoken to many people who touched before marriage and still keep the halachos once married. But I had the hardest time with that. For me, I couldn't understand how marriage made any difference and how a person is able to switch on and off like that. My emotions are too crazy for that. (And then again, we're talking about an unhealthy relationship so who's to say what the future will hold?)
But then there's my huge fear and insecurity that I will get married and my sex life will be terrible again, and I'll be miserable again. And then what? So I kind of want to know before I make that huge commitment. Again I don't know what I'll feel, I can't picture loving a different guy. I can't picture committing to anyone so it's hard for me to speculate. I can't picture having a healthy sexual relationship.
Now to talk about niddah. I guess it all depends. I hope that I'll have a healthy and loving and supportive relationship. So ideally, I do want to keep niddah. I would change a lot of things. My mindset, my attitude. And I pray to G-d that my husband will be different. If I were to be sick (G-d forbid) I would hope that he'd be the type of person to hold me and take care of me without me begging. That I wouldn't feel pressure to go to the mikva if I was too sick. And that I should never be in the position where i dread coming home from the mikva or going to begin with.
I guess what I'm trying to say that I think I can be healthy and positive about niddah and I can actually handle it, it all depends on who he is and the dynamics of our relationship. I pray that it's a positive one. Because if not, what the hell is the point.
I didn't know I had all that in me.