Thursday, May 9, 2013

Living in the Process

I talk about change like it's going out of style. Well this time it's for real.

There is definitely no denying how much has changed in one year. 12 months ago I was in the hospital. It feels so long ago, almost like another lifetime. I can barely relate to the girl I was then. I came out of that experience totally changed and affected (or is it effected? Maybe both).

Most people do not believe that G-d strikes us with lightening to punish us or maybe even cause a jolt in our lives. But I definitely do. And I have proof. It has happened to me quite a few times already. I also believe in nes niglah (open miracles) because I have witnessed those as well. If you heard the story of my life, you would see it too. It's almost laughable how obvious it is that G-d has been directing my life and that no matter how many times I have tried to veer off, He pushes me (or rather pulls me) back. So do I believe in free choice? Not really. I think we are destined to be the people we are. I do not believe in coincidence. These things didn't just "happen" to me. And yes I made many decisions to break the mold but I ended up hurting myself every single time.

I can honestly say that I have learned from my past and my mistakes and I am trying to live a life that reflects that. I choose to be a growing person and not be haunted and defined by the past. A therapist told me many years ago that I need to learn to live in the process and not miss out on the present. One year ago, death came knocking on my door and I chose life. I chose life in every sense of the word. I chose happiness.

This probably seems haughty but I have always felt connected to Yosef Hatzadik. The famous chazzal that is used in reference to Yosef is "Sheva yipol tzadik vekam" (a righteous person falls seven times). It was always a huge comfort to hear how imperfect our Biblical heroes were. It gives me hope that I can overcome anything. I know that I can be whoever it is I want to be. Nothing and no one can block my way.

Here's to living in the process. Cheers.

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