Sweet Baby Girl

Sitting in the nicu
Contemplating
Babies fighting for life
Reaching for the next breath

One mother gets to reach into the incubator
Touching her child
Cooing at her baby
Laughing with family around

Another mother is not allowed near
Her infant is too delicate
Stimulation is bad
Detrimental to her baby's healing

Such innocence
Total dependence
Machines beeping all around
Held together by the grace of G-d

She opens her eyes
Can she see me

Dear little sweet girl
You can fight this
You are strong
You are loved

Take your time
But don't give up
Don't give in
Fight

You are lucky
Born into a loving family
The world is at your fingertips
You can do this

She opens her eyes again
I believe that G-d is inside of you
He's around you
He's protecting you

You will be held
And loved by all who meet you
You will inspire us all
And grow to be a strong and happy girl

Sweet baby girl.

It Wasn't Meant To Be

It was supposed to happen to me

My privilege

Right of passage

This was supposed to be

My direction in life

But it wasn't meant to be

Instead

Someone else got the title

Another has the role

It will never be mine

Opportunity has faded

Disappeared

Mine will just be a number

Insignificant

Among the others

Are You my Mother?

You would think it would not bother me anymore

I just can't wrap my head around your selfishness

Do you even notice

Is it all part of your disease

Or are you just plain selfish

Do you not realize that it's not all about you

That there are others in your life

Do you forget that we are your children

I look at pictures of you holding me when I was a baby

I can honestly say that I am surprised every time

Is that normal

Should I be shocked to see your affection

How can you be so self centered

You are a 24 hour 7 day a week chessed project

you are exhausting and mean

And completely self absorbed

I wish I could feel love towards you

Instead I feel apathy

Dreaming of you not in my life

Does that make me just like you

How can you not see the pain you cause with your words

All we do is care for you

And you tear us down

You can only think of yourself

Where is the mother I needed

How come I was never nurtured

Who stayed up with me at night

Why didn't you hold my hand

Instead I compensated

I made due with others

I worked hard to gain appreciation and affection

I made bad judgement calls

All I wanted was you

Someone to take care of me

A mother to love me unconditionally

A mother.

Happy Frikkin Mother's Day!

 

 

Living in the Process

I talk about change like it's going out of style. Well this time it's for real.

There is definitely no denying how much has changed in one year. 12 months ago I was in the hospital. It feels so long ago, almost like another lifetime. I can barely relate to the girl I was then. I came out of that experience totally changed and affected (or is it effected? Maybe both).

Most people do not believe that G-d strikes us with lightening to punish us or maybe even cause a jolt in our lives. But I definitely do. And I have proof. It has happened to me quite a few times already. I also believe in nes niglah (open miracles) because I have witnessed those as well. If you heard the story of my life, you would see it too. It's almost laughable how obvious it is that G-d has been directing my life and that no matter how many times I have tried to veer off, He pushes me (or rather pulls me) back. So do I believe in free choice? Not really. I think we are destined to be the people we are. I do not believe in coincidence. These things didn't just "happen" to me. And yes I made many decisions to break the mold but I ended up hurting myself every single time.

I can honestly say that I have learned from my past and my mistakes and I am trying to live a life that reflects that. I choose to be a growing person and not be haunted and defined by the past. A therapist told me many years ago that I need to learn to live in the process and not miss out on the present. One year ago, death came knocking on my door and I chose life. I chose life in every sense of the word. I chose happiness.

This probably seems haughty but I have always felt connected to Yosef Hatzadik. The famous chazzal that is used in reference to Yosef is "Sheva yipol tzadik vekam" (a righteous person falls seven times). It was always a huge comfort to hear how imperfect our Biblical heroes were. It gives me hope that I can overcome anything. I know that I can be whoever it is I want to be. Nothing and no one can block my way.

Here's to living in the process. Cheers.

Niddah

It's something that I've thought a lot about. And there's plenty more to think about. And then there's what I'll feel once I'm with someone (if that ever happens). For me, it even goes a step further. Will I touch the guy I'm dating seriously? Would I sleep with him before marriage?

So as of now, I am not planning on touching. Just because if I want to keep niddah properly, then its very hard for me to switch on and off. And I know that many people do. I've spoken to many people who touched before marriage and still keep the halachos once married. But I had the hardest time with that. For me, I couldn't understand how marriage made any difference and how a person is able to switch on and off like that. My emotions are too crazy for that. (And then again, we're talking about an unhealthy relationship so who's to say what the future will hold?)

But then there's my huge fear and insecurity that I will get married and my sex life will be terrible again, and I'll be miserable again. And then what? So I kind of want to know before I make that huge commitment. Again I don't know what I'll feel, I can't picture loving a different guy. I can't picture committing to anyone so it's hard for me to speculate. I can't picture having a healthy sexual relationship.

Now to talk about niddah. I guess it all depends. I hope that I'll have a healthy and loving and supportive relationship. So ideally, I do want to keep niddah. I would change a lot of things. My mindset, my attitude. And I pray to G-d that my husband will be different. If I were to be sick (G-d forbid) I would hope that he'd be the type of person to hold me and take care of me without me begging. That I wouldn't feel pressure to go to the mikva if I was too sick. And that I should never be in the position where i dread coming home from the mikva or going to begin with.

I guess what I'm trying to say that I think I can be healthy and positive about niddah and I can actually handle it, it all depends on who he is and the dynamics of our relationship. I pray that it's a positive one. Because if not, what the hell is the point.

 

I didn't know I had all that in me.

The Filing Cabinet

I was always one to say that people do not change. That you are who you are. You are the same person you were as a child or even a baby. Personality doesn't change. Perhaps your face changes a bit, but most people still look the same, maybe with a few more wrinkles or some new stretch marks.

Throughout my whole life, I can honestly say that I never changed. I looked the same. I acted the same. My responses to things around me were the same. I was miserable. And perhaps I am being slightly unfair to myself. After all, there were some good times and many happy moments. But as a general whole, I remember feeling miserable pretty much all the time. My memories of the past are tainted with sadness and with bitterness.

Through years and years of various therapists, who helped here and there with the painful situations I was going through at the time, I never got over myself or the past. I let it drown me and wallowed in my own misery. I honestly believed I suffered from severe depression and anxiety and perhaps at that time I did.

Looking back at the last year, I am forced to amend my thoughts. For the first time, I am happy. I haven't been in therapy in over a year. I haven't been on meds in almost a year. I have never felt better. I realized that it was all situational depression. And the minute I was no longer in a bad situation or environment, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder. I became free. Free for the first time. I won't deny that I went through a lot to get here. But I am here now. And there is no way I am losing this self that I have discovered laying deep down inside of me.

So on this very special day, I reflect back on the 27 years I have been granted on this earth. I can honestly say that I am not done. My time here isn't over. There is a lot more left for me to do. I am closing the first section of my life and filing it in the past. It no longer defines me. All of it builds me into who I am today.

Happy Birthday to me.