Poof

I sit here reading her response. And I'm just bawling my eyes out. Although, I was just waiting for that thing that would tip me off. Push me over the edge I was standing on. Unravel me. She always has a way with words. And I guess I'm just so vulnerable right now. Yeah me. Vulnerable. Shocker. Who would believe it. There's nothing that's right. Nothing feels ok. No stability. Pain in all directions.   Misery and sadness swallowing me whole. Sadly, I wish for a hug. A need for some comfort. A bit of love. Maybe some attention. Perhaps affection would do me some good. But alas, it is not there. Does not exist. Not an option. Not for me. Nope. Instead, I drown in my own sorrow. Suffocate in my own emotions. Disappear a little bit more each day. Until poof. I will cease to exist.

The Truth Hurts

Hi S,

I'm sorry that I didn't respond and have not been in contact. It means a lot to know you are thinking about me. It's hard for me. I know that's not an excuse. As life has never been easy. For me. Or for anyone. Especially you. But it's definitely on the difficult side now and I am holding on by a thread. Therefore, it makes being "open" and "keeping in touch" very difficult. 1. I have nothing good to share and I try to avoid complaining. 2. I feel as if I have disappointed you. You have always seen the good in me and truly feel that I have all this potential. And I have flat out failed. I haven't accomplished. So it becomes easier to just keep to myself. To not reach out. It's a cop out. But it's less threatening. I'm not sure if anything I am saying is making any sense. I look around this life. Mine. Those around me. And I see pain. Sadness. It's pretty hard for me to relate to any happiness at this point. And that is a sad thing to admit. 

Thanks for always being there.

R

Comics

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression

Migraine Cocktail

Once again

Back in the ER

5 pm

Friday

Flashbacks 

Uncontrollable pain 

Mechallel Shabbos 

Left alone 

Abandoned

Fend for myself 

Catscan 

Waiting room

X-ray 

Blood drawn

No good veins 

Nausea

Headache

Benadryl

Reglan 

Migraine cocktail 

11 pm

Waiting room 

Criminals 

Psychiatric patients

Homeless people

New iv 

Oxycodone

Back to the waiting room  

Dilated eyes 

Bright lights 

2 am

Exhaustion 

Seeing grey 

More doctors 

Another consult 

Resident

Attending 

Opthalmologist

Neurologist

4 am

Wide awake

Back to waiting room 

Remove iv 

Discharge papers 

Security 

Taxi 

6:30 am

Shabbos 

Home

Pain 

Headache 

Sleep 

Never ending 

  

6 years

6 years ago today

I was a bride

Walking down the aisle

Led by both my parents 

Big white gown

Veil covering my eyes

Walking towards a man I loved

A man I planned to spend the rest of my life with

A man I committed to with all my heart

6 years ago today

I was hopeful

I had faith

I believed in something great

I believed in love

I even believed in myself

6 years ago today 

My new life began 

But then it ended 

Was no more 

The carpet was ripped from under my feet

6 years ago today

Was a different lifetime 

A facade 

An illusion 

A figment of my imagination 

6 years ago today

I was a fool 

6 fucking years

psa

NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT

A week in the life....

So it's been an interesting life so far. Specifically this week. But then again, what else is new? It's never boring. Never a dull moment. And it's probably better off that way. I don't know if I could handle a quiet life. That would probably force me to deal with reality.

Sunday. Went boating with my sister. That was a fun experience. Not. I love driving to the lake. Windows down. Music blasting. Hair flying. I sang out loud the whole trip. She said not a word. Then, silence in the kayak. The weather was fabulous. I refused to let her mood get to me. Drive home. Silent. 

Later on, I drove to SS. Figured I should drive to him this time. He came to me the first two times. We went bowling. Awkward. Then went out to eat. You figure that you're about 45 minutes away from home. Privacy. Secrecy. Nope. My neighbor is behind us in line. A "friend" and her family are sitting in the back corner. As we continue our awkward conversation, an actual friend walks in with her family. I mean, seriously. Can't a girl get some space. 

Monday. Went painting with friends. Politics. Making a statement. Very obvious move. I had a blast. It felt great that others knew where I stand. Let them wonder. 

Tuesday. Went swimming. Ahhh the sun is truly my friend. Super relaxing. Rushed home to shower. Off to the rabbi with father and sister. Talk about an experience. Oh, Na was there too. After all, she runs our lives. Can't leave her out. Topics of discussion. Internet. Texting. Oh right. Communication. Or rather, lack there of. How do you spell "silent treatment?" Wait, what. Denial is our friend. Yay. How do we leave off. Oh yeah, going to a family therapist. Woot woot. Can't wait. 

Wednesday. Finally had a conversation. Been avoiding. Over thinking. Mutually agreed it wasn't the right fit. No chemistry. No desire to open up.

Went to Al-Anon for the first time. No, no one in my family is an alcoholic. Well, not really. Went for the experience. To hear others' stories of living in dysfunction. Yup. So that was enlightening. And slightly draining. No actually, really draining. Adults who are perpetuating and repeating the past. Super fun. 

Received an email from "friend" asking for help. Yup, I know what happened. How could she not. Totally delusional. She's said things to me that have hurt. So clueless. Wrapped up in her own world. Not my problem. Gave a vague, non helpful answer. No response. Oh well. 

Thursday. Out to dinner. Practicing communication. Food shopping. Off to basketball. Amazing. Finally. Run. Pass. Shoot. Three pointer. That's what I'm taking about. 

Friday. Work my ass off. Nursing home. Paint my nails. Finally. 

Shabbos.