I know I should be excited. Motivated. Energized to move forward. Take the next step. This is what I have been waiting for. Right? I do want to get married. In theory. Be in a relationship. Have someone to come home to. Cuddle with. A Shabbos table. Companionship. Love. Technically. I do want to look at that person and know we will grow old together.
I am finally settled. In myself. Getting there with my life. Internally, I feel strong. Most of the time. I know what I want. I live how I want to live. No one calls the shots. No one controls me. I don't feel controlled. I feel quite free. I am not even shackled in myself. For the first time I can admit that I am breathing. Living. Enjoying.
I have my moments. When I am down. When I see no hope. When I can't move. But I no longer feel defined by those moments. That is all they are. Moments. They are not me. I am finally comfortable. Doing things that make me happy. Productive. Making smart decisions. Living in the present. Working towards the future.
Why would I mess that up. Progress. Is it smart to rock the boat. Will holes appear in the deck? Water start pouring in. Sink. Will I sink all over again. Is this all fear talking. Fear of the unknown. Of difference. Being vulnerable. Opening up. Letting someone in. Am I so closed off from the past. That I cannot move forward. Or am I just cautious. Guarding my heart. My soul. My life.
Sometimes things come up. Life is unpredictable. And you gotta roll with the punches. Or else life passes you by. You blink and you miss something. You can't take a break from reality. You have to face it. Because you never know what you might be capable of.
Here goes nothing.