Meaningless Milestone

I'm numb. No I'm not. I feel. No I don't. I'm crazy. No I'm Not. My mind is spinning. No it's not. I need to be held. No I don't. I need be touched. No I don't. I need to be wanted. No I don't. I am in control. No I'm not. I'm happy. No I'm not. I need. No I don't. I wish to be numb. No I don't. Yes I do.

I sit here and wish I could formulate my thoughts. My feelings. I wish I could let out what is dragging me down. Why I feel so deflated. What is going through my mind. Why I feel so drained. Is it just another meaningless milestone. Is that what this feeling is. A momentary feeling. One that will pass. Will I be fine in a few days. Or is this just my usual. Up and down. Realizing my reality. Life hitting me in the face. Internal emptiness. Eternal sadness.

Why can't I verbalize the truth. Why can't I admit it to myself. Say it out loud. What I want. What I need. Deserve. Who I am. Why do I put myself in this box. In this cage. Why am I alone. Right now. Tonight. Right this minute. I put myself here. I have no one to blame but myself.

Where is the inspiration. Where are the people. I know they are there. I know they care. But I feel so removed. Distant. I am floating away. Another year. Another day. Emptiness.

I want to feel. I want to feel. Everything. Something. Love. All of it. I want to smell. The world. See. The beauty. Touch.  I want to be. Taste. Life. Every drop. I don't want to miss any of it. I don't want to be numb. Not anymore. I want to be. To feel. Open. To the world. To life, To Love. To opportunity. I want. I need. I want.

And that's ok.

Here's to another year.