"I am not..."

I'm listening to Israeli love songs. The music breaks my heart. The Hebrew words are so beautiful. So raw. Yearning. I try to find meaning in this life. I aim to feel joy and happiness. Purpose and fulfillment.

I have been following this "what I be" campaign. Basically this photographer has been taking pictures of people with a word or statement written on their body with a black sharpie. Each person revealing and unleashing a different insecurity that they hide from the world. I can't stop looking at the pictures. What word would I choose. What statement would define me. The first word that comes to mind is DIVORCED. My statement would be "I am not my trust issues." Or how about ALONE, followed by the statement "I am not my depression." I could go with ANXIETY and say "I am not my suicidal ideation." I think this photographer is brilliant and is effecting tremendous change in the world through this movement. 

I think about the fact that I should be pursuing dating. And yet I can't make myself do anything about it. Going to shadchanim. Saying yes to profiles. Judging a book by its cover. A first phone call. All makes me want to puke. And that's even before going on an actual date. The prospects are embarrassing. Pathetic. Almost worth it to be alone. Almost. 

Going to a new neurosurgeon tomorrow. The saga continues. Can't escape it. A routine appointment. Still have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. What will be. Have I been through enough. Have I not put in my time. Suffered enough agony. How long can this life go on. How long can life go on this way. At what point do I get swept under the current. How long can I tread in this ocean. 

One more day. One foot in front of the other. 

devour me

You didn't listen

I told you no

I tried so hard 

To end things 

I was hoping 

You would get the message 

Let me off the hook

Do the right thing 

Be the stronger person 

You kept talking to me 

It wasn't over 

I couldn't stop 

I needed one more second 

You wanted more time

Saw that I was weak 

You sat around the corner 

I went against my morals 

I walked to your car 

I got in the passenger side 

We were silent 

Like we knew each other 

For a lifetime 

A magnetic pull 

Drawing us closer 

You drove to a parking lot

I kept shaking my head 

Knew this was wrong 

So very wrong 

But I didnt stop you 

I just wanted to be close to you 

Even for one tiny second 

I needed the attention 

I felt the desire

My body was shaking 

My heart was beating 

You said you just wanted to be near me

All you wanted was to touch my face 

It had been so long

Since I had felt anything 

Let alone touch

And then you touched my face 

You ran your fingers along my lips 

Pulled me towards you 

A small kiss

Your hands in my hair 

I knew we should stop

But I wanted more 

I craved more 

I needed you to touch me

To feel me 

But I kept sitting back 

Shaking my head

It was all wrong 

We were all wrong 

And then you drove

To a more deserted location 

And I felt your tongue 

I tasted your mouth 

Your hand tried to travel 

I stopped you

And then you held my hand 

I wrapped my fingers in yours 

I just wanted more 

I wanted you

I wanted you to want me 

To devour me 

Whole 

But we kept stopping

Holding back 

A ticking time bomb 

About to explode

The desire was flooding the car

Intensity 

You laid on my chest 

You felt my scar

And your fingers tried to travel 

But I pulled you away 

We were on the verge 

Of insanity 

Torture

And then you got your bearings 

You buckled your seat belt

And drove me back 

I got out of your car 

And I kissed the window 

I left my lip print 

On your car 

So you would always see me there 

Never forget me

Or that moment 

And then I ran inside  

Guilt overwhelmed me 

But so did desire 

I wanted more

I wanted you

I got moments 

And they began fading 

Sporadic memory 

Of your lips on mine 

Your fingers on my face

Your head on my chest 

A moment that came and went

Disappeared 

I was reminded 

I was awakened 

I felt

I desired 

I was real 

During that entire moment

I was real

I was alive 

And then it was over

you get what you deserve

When you're stupid

You suffer the consequences 

End up alone 

Withdrawn 

A reminder 

Of reality 

Life hits you in the face 

You are stupid 

Ask for trouble 

Self inflicted pain 

No one else's fault 

But your own 

Cement your own destiny 

Define what your life 

Has become 

You are stupid 

Stupid 

Stupid stupid

Unworthy 

You deserve nothing 

Pain and suffering 

Brought on yourself 

You will never 

Be happy 

Never be loved 

Never be appreciated

You don't deserve 

Deserve nothing 

Only pain and misery 

Self destruction

Sadness cloaked in numbness 

Pain hidden in avoidance 

Disappointment hidden in a smile 

You get what you deserve 

Lie in the bed you make

Buried in the grave you dig 

No wonder he left 

Everyone left 

Everyone leaves 

Because you don't deserve 

You are unworthy 

You are stupid 

He deserves better 

Better than you 

Because you are a failure 

You are bad 

You deserve to be

Abandoned 

Left 

Hated 

Neglected 

You are stupid 

One day 

Death will be welcomed 

A final peace 

Quiet 

Silence of the mind

Pain free 

Stupid free 

Life free 

You are stupid 

Stupid

You get what you deserve 

The end 

A Worthy Self

Here's where I stand. I'm Confused. And yes, I'm going to make this about me. This is about me. This is my life. I'm the only one who has my back. There is no one else looking out for me. I have to take care of myself. Call me selfish if you want. I don't care. It doesn't bother me. I'll accept that label. I deserve to be selfish. I have never chosen myself. I have always chosen everyone else. I have lived my life choosing everyone else. And I have put myself aside. I have never been important. But if I have learned anything in the last few years it's that I matter. That I am important. Just as much as everyone else. If not more.

It's my time. I have to choose me. If I don't make myself important, I won't survive much longer. I won't make it through this life. I will continue to feel broken and bruised. And I deserve better. I deserve. I am worthy. I matter. So I choose me. I must protect myself and make smart decisions.

I choose to do the right thing. I choose to be a good person. I choose to be alive. I choose to continue to fight. To fight to be happy. To function. And not let this life I've been handed knock me down. I choose not to drown in my misery. I'm choosing me. I choose to look forward. To have a future. Because I deserve everything. I deserve it all. I am worthy. I matter.

And I will put myself first one day. And maybe today is that day. This moment. Right now. I take the first step. And one day, hopefully soon, I will be loved for me. I will be accepted and appreciated. For me. Someone will know me and accept me. Me. For who I am. I will be cherished. And desired. Treasured. I will be special. I will matter to someone else.

It won't be a fairy tale and it won't be a happily ever after. It will be imperfect. But it will be my imperfect. A life for me. It will be my life. Because I matter. And I deserve. I deserve great things. And somewhere deep inside, I believe. I believe in goodness. I believe I deserve. I believe that good can happen. It can happen to me too. Because I am worthy. I matter.

So I choose me. I am taking a stand. I am doing the right thing. No matter how difficult. This is my life. And I will not watch it pass me by. I will not be a passive passerby. I will participate. And live this life the best way I can. The only way I know how. I will make smart choices. And I will get up when I fall. I will not let mistakes swallow me. I will stand up and dust myself off. And I will continue on. I choose me.

Quotes

“Courage isn't having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don't have strength.” ― Napoleon

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”   ― Frederick Douglass

“We acquire the strength we have overcome.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson

 “You are never strong enough that you don't need help.” ― César Chávez

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.”   ― Robert Frost

“My Life is My Message” ― Mahatma Gandhi

“The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn”   ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It's time to start living the life you've imagined.” ― Henry James

“To those who are given much, much is expected.”  ― Maya Angelou

“Your success and happiness lie in you.”   ― Helen Keller

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”  ― Dr. Seuss

“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”  ― Virginia Woolf

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”   ― Albert Camus

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

tell me why

Alone again. A constant thought. The house is empty. Just me and my dad. Seems so familiar. Like we've done this before. The past is revisiting. Dejavu. Takes me back to a few lifetimes ago. When it was just me and him against the world. Fighting to survive. Fighting to function. Mother unwell. Once again. Me the only child. I lay in my bed. I listen to him talk on the phone. Call after call. Lots of concerned people. Calls to lawyers. Calls to insurance companies. Even a painful call to the funeral home. Gotta be prepared. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. What is this life. How did we deserve this. What are we supposed to do. How are we expected to function. To survive. Why. She's in a locked ward. Old, decrepid people surround her. She is the youngest by many years. Someone please explain to me what's happened. How is this my life. Where is the happiness and joy. Where is the youth and the energy. Where is love. Contentment. Peace. Tell me where. Where is the family. How can I feel like an empty nester and I have never even given  birth to a child. Tell me how. How is this my life. Don't I deserve better. Don't I. Is there anything left of this life for me. What about me. What will happen. How will I survive. How will I make it through. How will I pull through this life. How. Tell me.

Suffocate me

I've scratched my legs so much, they're covered in scabs. My thighs are covered in bruises. My anxiety is getting the best of me. My mind has taken over. Thoughts control my life. The past suffocates me. People overwhelm me. I'm alone. Always alone. I'm sinking. The life boat is out of reach. I'm sick of swimming. My whole body hurts. My mind aches. I'm so tired. I need a vacation. From life. From myself. I want to be left alone. I want someone to hold me. Someone to notice. Someone to care. Please take this burden off my back. It's weighing me down. It's killing me. Slowly. Not quickly enough. I'm so tired. All alone. Always all alone. Love doesn't exist. Not accessible for everyone. Unattainable for me. Destined for misery. Pain and loneliness. Sadness. Numb without emotion. Alone. Strong for the world. Weak in my heart. Failure. Alone.

Say my Name

It's not often I feel euphoric. Is that even a word? It's been a stressful and long week. I haven't been sleeping. I have no appetite. I'm overwhelmed and possibly numb.

But tonight. For the first time in a long time. There was a spark. A glimpse. One tiny rainbow. She said my name. Some sort of recognition. I was remembered. Known. 

Many people have told me in the past that I lack proper respect. That I don't follow the laws of kibbud av v'em. The concept has aggravated me for years. Most people don't even know the meaning of respect. Of honoring ones parents. Most people have never been through what I have been through. 

Earlier, I went to the hospital. I forced her into the shower. She was screaming and fighting me. That's when she yelled my name. I was so happy. It was the first time. And then once the hot water was hitting her body, she was so calm and peaceful. She was so grateful. I cleaned her and washed her hair. I shaved the side of her hair so her cochlears won't fall off. Then I dried her off, put a diaper and hospital gown on. I took her back to bed and tucked her in.

That is my definition of respect. That is my duty and job as her daughter. This is my life. My responsibility. You can't understand. You can't relate. You can't judge me. You have no idea. You don't even know the half of it.

This is reality. 

Like the movies

You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. 

When everything feels like the movies. 

You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive. You bleed just to know you're alive.