Friday, August 23, 2013

Unloading Thoughts

I haven't been able to write in a while. Not sure if it's because I have nothing to say or I just can't bring myself to think. It's so much easier to just live and be and not contemplate things. I think this is the same reason I haven't painted in three months. Or I just convince myself that I am happy and content and therefore only need to write/paint when I am unhappy.

Writing is therapeutic but it also forces me to validate what I am feeling. But then again, I am never sure if it causes to me create issues and feelings that aren't really there. That aren't really bothering me. So below is a list of all the things that are possibly on my mind.

Funny how as I am writing this the song "Somewhere I belong" by Linkin Park comes on my Pandora Station. It seems to always happen.

But I digress. Or do I?

$60,000 is a huge amount of money. I can't even begin relate to that amount in real life. Actually maybe I can- in debt terms. I have managed to pay off two sets of hospital debt so far. Still trying to figure out the third batch. But anyways, when I think about what that kind of money can do for my life, I still don't envy a person in that position. And I realize I am being vague. But I don't want to talk about anyone else. I only focus on what it means for me. This amount of money to me means you are shackled, you are bought, you are owned. I am so grateful to be independent. No one has say in my life and no one can claim to tell me what to do. I am my own person and I earned that. I established myself without any help. I stand on my own two feet. Me. And yeah, I can't go anywhere for vacation and I don't own anything fancy. But I own me. Me. And the things I do have, I bought. I earned with my hard work.

So technically, you would think that I can totally relate to someone who is going through a breakup. And technically, you would be right. But after a while, I just want to yell: "move the F on!!" My sympathy level is somewhat minimal. I can be supportive for a while. But I keep going back and wanting to scream: "I went through a divorce! The man I loved with all my heart and soul left me!! He's frikkin remarried! And you don't see me moping around anymore." But I know that's not sensitive and everyone has their own battles and deals with things differently. So I try to be supportive and listen. And I need to work on not talking as much. But the truth is, that after a while, I don't want to hear about it anymore. It makes me think about the past. And I don't want to do that anymore. I am trying to live in the present. To live in the process. And I actually look forward to the future. And I have also learned so much about relationships and what to do right and what not to do. How people ultimately want to be loved and listened to. How you can't change someone. You have to embrace them for who they are. And especially embrace yourself for who you are. That might be the most important thing in life.

Funny how "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Goyte is playing now.

Is that even a word? I was talking to a friend yesterday about how happy we are being single. And I was thinking later: was I being totally honest? Do I really like being single? And the answer is yes and no. Shocking right? Yes because I love having my freedom. No one tells me what to do. I don't have to be anywhere to please anyone else. I get to sleep in my own bed. I totally crave the quiet and enjoy quiet and alone time. And that is a huge deal. No because I would like to be in a relationship. To have someone love me and care about me. And especially for me to be able to take care of someone else. And to be a mother. That is the ultimate void in my life.

I love being around all my friends and I love each one of their kids whole heartedly. But I do feel left out. I want that. I want to be a mom. I want to go to the pool with everyone and not be the only one there as just me. Are every one else's kids going to be teen-agers when mine are toddlers? It's hard. And I try not to focus on this pain. But it is painful. I want to give grandchildren to my father. I want to leave his house and have my own. I want to have my own Shabbos table and have tons of company and yummy food. To have a house smell of baked goods.

Saw You at Sinai
A dating website? That's what my life has come down to? Waiting for some guy to call me when he has already "accepted." Am I supposed to be going to a million shadchanim and marketing myself like crazy. Or can I continue to sit here and not do anything productive. And continue to hope that people are thinking about me.

I think that's it for now. Every time I say that I have nothing to write, I end up pouring out a whole megilla.

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