Awake

Burnt out. Life cannot take a pause. No calm allowed. Tired. Fed up. Is there a message I am supposed to be seeing. I literally do not know how I keep moving. What is this miraculous source that keeps me going. What exactly is motivating me.

Dropped in a desert with no water. No food. No shelter.  No clothes. Nothing. Alone. And yet, I am that cactus. Functioning. Surviving. On the bare minimum. How is it possible. How have I not succumbed to my surroundings. How have I not given up yet.

You say that I am special.  That I have potential. All I can answer you is that I feel worthless. Unworthy. A waste of space. My purpose on this earth is to serve. To take care of others. To give. There is no real me. I am a shadow.

And this purpose that I have had my entire life is suddenly gone. Swept out from under my feet. Excused from all responsibility. Without choice. No warning. An empty nest. Barren. Others making decisions. Completely taken out of my hands. Unattached. Silent. Removed. Mute.

You have perverted life. Made decisions without all the facts. Distorted reality. Sheltered. Avoided. Abused your power. Corrupted. Shattered life. Broken a family. Damaged the future. All for what. Instant gratification. A moment of pleasure. Supposed happiness. No long-term goals. No plan for the future. Destruction. Life-long devastation. Enabled. Crippled.

Loss. Unattainable expectation. Alone. Who will pick up the pieces. The glass shatters. Who will be there. No physical contact. Masked emotion. Bleeding tears. Toss and turn. Blinding darkness. Egg dripping down the windshield. Black and blue. Blinking lights. Deafening sound. Uncontrollable.

Time to wake up. Good morning.

Spasms

I'm all alone. Laying here. In a hospital bed. In some exam room. In the neurology department. There's no one here. But me. And I can't stop the tears. I can't handle the pain. Spasms into legs. Sharp stabbing in my hips. A bruised back. Hole in my spine. In between two vertebrae. Laying here. In a skimpy hospital gown. No one around. Not a soul. It's me. Always me. Only me.

I squeeze the pillow. Try not to yell out. Not a single peep. No noise. Body bent. Back arched. Needles. Five times. Numb. Catheter. Cerebral spinal fluid. Pressure. Paralyzed. I'm silent. Until I can't hold it in any longer. The pain overwhelms. The tears explode out of my eyes. I gasp and try to breathe. The world is collapsing around me. Suffocating. Unbearable. 

I lay here. I'm all alone.

Never Dull

After Shabbos

Driving alone 

Road trip 

Music blaring 

Pop pop

Loud noise 

NJ TNPK

Highway shoulder 

Flat tire 

No answer 

Mile marker

Reading book 

AAA

Spare tire

50 mph

Exit 3

Motel search 

Indians 

Shady 

Rundown 

Econo Lodge

Room 101

Bolted door

No toothpaste 

Broken vending machine 

Eventual sleep

3:45 wake up 

Cursing

Fight 

Loud 

Shouting 

Police

Domestic violence 

8 am checkout 

Orange juice 

Banana 

Forgotten ring 

Pep Boys

New tire 

On the road again 

Monsey 

Friends 

Wedding 

Bride 

Dancing

Sleep 

Couch 

6:45 am

On the road again

4 hours 

Sleepy 

Work 

Sleep

Work 

Hopkins 

Sleep study 

Ignorance is Beautiful

It seems that I will always be dependable. Reliable. I will always live to serve. My role as an individual is almost unnecessary. The me that hides beneath is mute. Silent. I go through the motions. And sometimes I actually do care. But it's mostly a facade. A distraction. From the truth. From reality. From myself. Your lives and dramas are so much easier to deal with. No emotion required. No self-reflection or motivation needed. Inspiration flown out the window ages ago. Ignorance is a welcomed drug. A wonderful pill to swallow. Unlike the horse-pill that lies around the corner. Waiting to close up my throat. Suffocate my lungs. Empty any stomach-juices left in my body. Leaning over a toilet or any available garbage can.

Ignorance is a beautiful thing. It prevents from mourning a loved one. Erases the pain of seeing the dead. Watching as dirt is dug and one plain box is lowered into the earth. Numb as a life is forever gone. The end. Unconditional love has slipped through your finger tips. Never to exist again. Any possible heartache gone. Holding a mother who cannot stop crying and does not know why. I am not a daughter. I am a mother. A caretaker. A mother to no one. I am not a wife. But somehow I got sucked into that role. Because I live to serve. I sacrificed myself. I was afraid to soar. To fly. I could not let go. I could not feel. I pushed it all under the carpet. I lost me. I have disappeared. And for what. What do I have to show for any of it. Nothing. Nothing.

Happy Nothing Year

Once again I wish you nothing. Not a happy New Year. Not a Sweet New Year. All a total crap. Everyone gets sappy and emotional and starts coming out of the wood work. All to wish a bunch of strangers. Facebook friends. Co-workers. It is all lies. Fake. You didn't really care what the last year was like. So why do you all of the sudden seem to have an outpouring of fake love. I have distanced myself from most. Makes it easier to suffer in silence. Not have to explain myself. Describe what I'm going through. Just experience things on my terms. No one to answer to. So don't call me or bother texting me your message filled false wishes. And by the way, a general Facebook status counts for nothings. No one cares. Don't waste your words.

So Happy Nothing to you and yours. Cheers.

relationship

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV-WONhEZec

The Real Story

I was diagnosed with Pseudo-tumor Cerebrei in November, 2009. Was admitted in Hopkins after a bunch of misdiagnoses. At that time, they found that I had a venus stenosis (which from my understanding, means a vein in the back of my head is small). They had discussed Stenting the vein. But it was decided to start with the medicine route. I also had third nerve palsy and 7th nerve palsy, with a lot of vision loss, specifically in my peripheral vision. I had received various lumbar punctures, all showing elevated pressures. And had a spinal drain. I was seen by Dr MA, a neuro-ophthalmologist at S and continue to see him. I was taking Diamox for fluid drainage and Topamax for my eyes.

In May, 2012, after taking myself off all meds because I didn't have insurance, i started having symptoms again and was admitted to SN hospital. There, I received spinal taps and decided to get a shunt. I did not want to go back on medication. My surgeon was Dr S, who inserted a non-adjustable peritoneal lumbar shunt. After my staples were removed, I began to feel much better and had been managing healthily for two year plus.

In October of 2014, I moved back to B and began seeing Dr A again. Presented with good visual fields and good vision. I also began seeing Dr MW at H as my new neurosurgeon to manage my case. He recommended that I meet with Dr DR at Hopkins to have a neurosurgeon familiar with my case in case of complication.

In July of 2014, I began feeling symptoms again. Headaches and nausea and after calling Dr W, it was recommended that I go straight to H ER. I was cleared by Opthalmology and never seen by Neuro. CT scans and X-ray showed nothing and I was sent home and told to follow up with my neurologist. Dr. W's office was very difficult to get a hold of. I was finally sent to Dr YC, a headache specialist and colleague of Dr W. With only a consultation and no testing done, she said that it was most likely not migraines and felt very certain that my symptoms were because of my shunt. On August 20, I went to H and had a lumbar puncture with contrast and then did three Shunt Patancy Studies over a period of 24 hours. A week later, i was seen by Dr R who confirmed that the shunt has malfunctioned and is not draining CSF. I am currently waiting to hear from Dr G's office in H to schedule a CTV. Dr R would like to find out if the I am a candidate for Stenting due to my Venus Stenoses before committing to replacing the shunt. I have not been able to reach anyone at Dr W office to get medication treatment in the meantime and went to my general doctor, Dr E R at S H. He prescribed Diamox and Zoloft and left messages for Dr W and his nurse practitioner CW. Dr R's secretary was informed by Dr W office that they no longer wanted to follow my case and felt that I should be seen completely by H.

So yeah...