Motherfree

She's back in the emergency room

Thinks the year is 1973

Not sure what happened then 

Why that sticks in her mind

She thinks she's at "zaidy's house"

We don't have a zaidy 

He rushes to her side 

Once again

Just like always

Everything gets dropped

She is his first priority 

I have wished her dead

Gone from my life 

I have cursed her

I picture availus

Mourning 

Motherfree

I am a bad person 

Good Shabbos

Grant Me One Hour

Yesterday was a crappy day. I was overtired. I haven't been sleeping. I was cranky. I felt alone. I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt hopeless. I felt neglected. I felt withdrawal. I was reminded of where I am and who I am. Of what I have done. I received a large bill. Again. I was told I need another MRI. Need to go to a new neurosurgeon. 30 Page questionnaire. I had blasts of memory. Pangs of emotion.

And yet I felt nothing.

I decided to change my mood and went to the nursing home to visit my Bubby. Without fail, she always manages to lift my spirits. She is truly the happiest person I know. Bli Ayin Hara, at 104 years, she exemplifies how to live. She hasn't just been alive. She has lived. She is my role model. My hero. I wish I could be just like her. (Although I don't want to live that long) She sits at her table with all her friends around her. Each person is a "personality." There's Mrs. S., who speaks 8 languages and lived in Bnei Brak. So we always chat in Hebrew. She never likes the food served and can always be found snacking on crackers, when no one is looking. Yesterday, Mrs. S. was combing through People Magazine. Bubby glances at the magazine and rolls her eyes. There's Gigi, who is the "teenager" of the group. Her thick Russian accent always cracks me up. She always talks about the past and all the different countries she has lived in. She always wheels herself over to see if Bubby has eaten anything. She is currently annoyed that the hairdresser butchered her hair. Then there's the men's table. They keep to themselves mostly. Coming over once in a while to say hello, or just wink from across the room. They all light up when I walk in the room.

Bubby has lived a beautiful and meaningful life. I am petrified for her not to be around anymore. I know that it will happen eventually. But I am not ready to give her up. She is the only person I feel truly happy around. She sees through me. She sees my core. And loves me for who I am. No matter what. Ok, maybe she hates my nail polish. But she thinks I am absolutely beautiful. She loves everything I am. And she makes sure to tell me how wonderful I am. Over and over again. She always plays with my hair. She thinks my hair is stunning. Or as she says "wonderful." In her eyes, I am perfect. I am special. I am beautiful. The truth that I see all fades away. For an hour, I believe her. I feel like that person she sees. For an hour, I am happy. At peace.

But then it's time to leave. And reality hits as the automatic doors open. Back into the freezing cold world. Back to my real life. Back to the person I was an hour before.

Question Mark

I read through old blog posts and I wonder if I've changed. Am I still the same bitter, angry person. Am I that lonely girl. Am I still drowning in the past. Unable to move forward. Have I accomplished anything.

This is the longest I have gone without physical affection since I was 17. Almost two whole touch free years. Choosing to keep my distance. For what purpose. A protection? A wall built up. Once again. And where has that gotten me. 

Have I purified myself. Become holier than thou. Made better decisions. Have I become happier. More content. Or just suffered in my loneliness. Adjusted to my pain. Accepted my reality. Who have I become. 

Second Chance

Are people capable of change

Do you give someone a chance

Or hold them at fault for the past 

When they could hold you to the same standard 

Does giving them a chance 

Mean you are desperate 

Make you pathetic 

Is there such a thing as fate 

Coincidence 

Does god send such clear messages 

Do people deserve second chances 

Is the potential worth it

Despite the unknown 

Is this a reward

Or a tease

Perhaps just a punishment 

Should credit be given

For persistency 

And patience 

Am I thinking too much into this

Stupid

Doing stupid things
Gives you stupid feelings
Unnecessary feelings
Then you suffer the consequences
Of your actions
Your thoughts
Behaviors
You suffer
Because of your own stupidity
You are stupid

Hesped

Crying my eyes out

Watching a hesped 

Of a husband 

Mourning the loss

Of his 24 year old wife 

Mother of his 

5 month old child

Taken away suddenly

There are no answers

No reasons 

It's always the good ones

That get taken 

Far too early 

Snatched from this earth 

No time to say goodbye

Her child is motherless 

Her sister is now an only child

Parents have lost a daughter 

The world 

Is an emptier place 

A pure soul

Has been taken back to its creator

Leaving a massive gap

A tremendous hole

Horrible Sadness....

Such terrible tragedies going on around me. People who I know well are suffering and in pain. Death and pain all around. Babies born out of wedlock. What is this world coming to? I can't take my mind of these things. So much sadness. Horrible sadness.

A girl my age dies after years of suffering from cancer. Gets sent home from the hospital to Hospice. Sent home to die. But then she dies. She was only 27 years old. Leaving behind a loving husband, family, friends. She was a kind and sweet person. Gentle. Pure.

A friend posts on Facebook yesterday that she regrets to let everyone know that her dear sister has passed away. A younger sister. Mother of a four month old. Dead. Leaves behind a husband. A family. A baby. A motherless baby. My friend has to bury her sister. Her younger sister.

A girl I went to high school with just had a baby with her Mexican boyfriend. Her boyfriend that she works at the local pizza store with. The newborn already looks Mexican. The mother is a blond haired, blue eyed Jew. Her child will have no nachala (portion in Israel). Who gives this child a bris? This girl was adopted as a small child. Her parents gave her everything. For what?

What has happened to the world. Or was it always like this. Miserable. Horrid. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the silver lining? Tell me. Where?

Intervention Here We Come

Driving through the snow tonight, I was so moved by how beautiful my surroundings were. The white is so pure and innocent. Untouched by little hands or cars turning it to mud. No plows have ventured out yet. Still calm and peaceful. Slowly covering each car. Trees turning into these stunning magical, almost other worldly creations.

And in all this beauty that surrounded me, all I could think about is the ugliness that exists in this world. Darkness that resides in my world. My life. The home that I have always run from and continue to come back to. The threatening and painful environment. Where the only safe haven is my bedroom. The only person who loves me selflessly is my baby sister. My ally. My only support system. 

This week was an interesting one. And it seems it will only get more interesting. Monday, I went to a new neurologist. Turns out my shunt is doing fine. Just need another x-Ray to be certain. Tuesday, I went to my regular doctor. He is concerned about the weak pulse in my feet. Yay. Possible side effect of diabetes. Yay. But that's my hypochondria setting in. Waiting for blood work. 

That night, after dinner with friends and my shiur, I went to speak to a woman who is "close" to our family. She's on the "A Team", aka "team Ma", or just the people who help out, volunteer and run our lives. She has been meeting with each person in my family to better understand their take on the current situation. After telling her my thoughts, I blurted out that I think an intervention would be the best idea. 

Yeah, so guess what. She called tonight and said that there's going to be a "meeting" on Saturday night with all the main people on the "A Team" including us two girls and my father. Umm huh? What? People are getting involved? There might be an end to this madness? Normalcy might resume? Things are about to get interesting. That's for sure. 

Bring It

The first day of the year 2014. How can I say more? That statement itself is crazy enough.

I honestly never thought I would make it to this year. More like I couldn't picture myself living this long. Or what my life would look like. And here I sit, very much the same. Unchanged. Same location. Same space. Maybe a few (or rather, a lot) more experiences. But I am still the same me. 

It's common to make resolutions on a day like today. People like new beginnings to start fresh. Make wiser decisions. Lose weight. Save money. Be a nicer person. 

But I'll make no such resolutions. Because the minute you set aside a goal, you are destined to quit. To fail. And the things I would like to accomplish are going to happen this year. I will not write them down. Nor will I tell anyone. They will be my secrets. And when I succeed, no one will know. It will be a surprise to us all. Me included. 

So once again, I welcome the new year with open arms. New beginnings will not phase me. I am strong. Bring it on.