Blockade

Did you make a conscious decision
To ignore me
Do you go home
And tell her that you saw me
Do you think about me
Wonder how I'm doing
Do you pour your feelings
Out to her
Do you block it
All out
Do memories flood back
Overwhelming you
Did you mean to come off cold
Treat me like I'm dirt
Did you think life would turn out this way
Perfect strangers passing by

Do you think. Feel. Remember.
Do you. Do you? Do you!

Once Again

And so the day begins
Bright and early
Up and about
Tiptoeing around
The house is silent
Close the door behind me
End of a great moment

And now?

Back to reality
Day after day
One foot at a time
Same old routine
Survival

Pop

Everyday I know that writing will help me feel better. Help get out my feelings. Frustrations. But I almost don't want to document all the aggravating things. Because then I'm admitting they're real. That they actually happened. And then I need to deal with them. So I let things boil inside of me. And I swallow my words. I bite my tongue. I smile and I nod. I dust things under the carpet. I pretend like nothing is going on.

I can last like this. Right?

Depression Explained

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2013-01-01T00:00:00-07:00&updated-max=2014-01-01T00:00:00-07:00&max-results=2

Leveled Out

As I find myself wasting time playing candy crush, I lay here and contemplate life. I scratch mosquito bites and play this mindless game day after day. And guess what. I have been stuck on the same level for days. I can't seem to clear all those stupid jellies in under sixty moves. It's like a rat race when your legs are tied.

Ugh and now I'm bleeding. Great.

So I lay here trying to avoid reality.whats reality you ask. Reality is that I'm alone. I'm stuck on the same level for days. The jellies won't go away. No matter how hard I try. Then I run out of lives. And once in a while someone offers me a life. So I get all excited. Today will be the day I clear the jellies. But i cant seem to do it. It's like I'm destined to stay on that level. Destined to keep trying to clear all the jellies. And I go through life after life and sometimes I'm so close. Nope. Not close enough. One left. So close. Nope.

So I go to sleep. Alone in my bed. On the same level as yesterday. And I'll be on the same level tomorrow. Trying to clear the same jellies. Just to get to the next level. But let's be realistic, I'm going to be on this level for a long long time. There are no shortcuts. There are no gimmicks. You gotta just play the game.

Cheers to the Frikkin New Year

Don't bother asking me for forgiveness. That's not what the New Year is about. It is not about you clearing your conscious at the last minute. Don't send me a generic message wishing me well. I don't buy it.

 

When did trying to be a good person only matter at the last minute, just before G-d closes the door on all your opportunities. Guess what: you had all year to say hello to me. You had all year to be nice to me and not be a total witch. But instead, you chose to behave negatively towards me and others throughout the last year. So guess what, I don't feel like forgiving you. Does that make me a bad person. Does that give G-d reason to not forgive me. Who knows.

 

What I do know is that I can look back on the last year and feel good. I don't mean to come off haughty. But I came a long way. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am a new, better version of me. And when i pound my chest during Al Cheyt, I am hoping it won't be as difficult as previous years. I am hoping that it won't be as painful, that I will feel the normal amount of regret. Is that too presumptuous of me. Is this the supposed yetzer hara taking over and letting me feel confident as I approach my prayers tonight. Should I really be nervous of the upcoming plan G-d will allot for me.

 

I go into this upcoming holiday with my head held high, ready to face my Creator. I am not ashamed for Him to look through my last year. And I hope I have proven that I am worthy of being here. That I am worthy of having a happy life. That I am worthy of good things.

 

Cheers to a New Year.