Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Pressing Accept

We were complicated. We were best friends and liked mostly a lot of the same things. We could have a great time together. Like tell each other anything. But when it came to the aspect of marriage, I think that's where we were so different and didn't agree on many things. We had very different upbringing and schooling. So while we had some really great moments, the fundamental stuff was so different and we kept knocking heads.
I always said (and he agreed) that we would have made great best friends and I miss his friendship sometimes. We just couldn't pull off being married to each other. So yeah, I have a ton of great memories. But I also have a lot of bad memories. I used to be pretty dramatic and very depressed. So that mixed in with his lack of ability to communicate was a deadly mix.
It's difficult running into him with his new family. But I make sure to put a smile on my face. I will always be cordial, even if the same courtesy is not rewarded back. I don't want to appear as the pathetic one who hasn't moved on with my life. I have moved on and I am finally happy. Seeing him gives me a mix of emotions. I am happy for him that he has the life he always wanted (I hope/assume) but I also wonder if we gave up too easily. And then I take a step back and cherish my happiness and my freedom. I remind myself that I wasn't happy and it was obviously not meant to be.
And now that I have moved on and am taking the next step. I am so lost. No. Lost is the wrong word.  I am at a roadblock. I want to get remarried. I want to build a family. I want someone to love me for me. But why is it so hard for me to take the necessary steps to get there? What is holding me back? It's not him. Not anymore. My cheeky answer may be that I like my own bed and the toilet seat down but those are just silly reasons. I can't bring myself to try and get to know someone new. The idea of letting a stranger into my life baffles me. I can't fathom how it'll work.
I just figured it out. I don't want to change. Not that I don't want to or can't mold to another. I don't want to lose myself and become someone else. For the first time (maybe ever) I am confident and happy with who I am and I don't want to lose myself.
It seems it is easier to just avoid the whole thing. But where will that get me? Nowhere. How will I end up? Alone. So that's it. No more avoidance. Pressing accept.

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