F....enough with the yiddish names

How horrible is it that I'm jealous. I only met you once. We hung out at a bar in the city years ago. A lifetime ago. I wasn't such a fan. But then again, how many people do I really like. That doesn't say anything about you. Probably says more about me.

I'm envious of your bravery. The fact that your plan worked. You showed everyone. You no longer have to face your demons. It is the world who has to now look for answers. Pretend to understand what your life was about. Everyone else feels pain now. You are finally pain free. Don't people get that. You are free.

Is it terrible that I am happy for you. Envious of you. Wish I was as brave as you. Wish I could take that final leap. Never look back. People can talk about how you were at the peak of your life. Making a difference. Doing so well. Yada Yada. What do they really know. No one understands. No one knows what's going on deep on the inside. The outside is one big facade. You put a face on so that people can be around you. But maybe you can't be around them.

Maybe you survived just the right amount. Maybe some people aren't meant to live a long full life. Maybe some of us have already lived too long. Does anyone ever consider that. Sometimes, a long life is not in the cards. Not desired. Not something to aspire to. Some of us live day by day. Hour by hour. Minute to minute. Every day that we wake up is a miracle. Is torturous to get up and face the day. Face the world. Because you don't belong. You don't want to be there.

So to you, I say congratulations. On finally graduating. From this life. From this world. From your misery. To everyone else. I will continue to say. You have no idea. No idea what a person is. What they are made up of. Who they really are. Don't try to understand after the fact. It's too late. You can look for answers. Try to place blame. But the blame should be internal.

Life is not for everyone.

Vanishing

Once again it's July 18. This dreaded cursed day comes around every year. Taunting me. Haunting me. The details are slightly vague but the memories are there. They beat alongside my heart. Pulsating in my brain forever. Refusing to let me forget this day. I take a sleeping pill  but I couldn't sleep a full 24 hours. No chance at ignoring this crapday. No meals planned. No people to talk to. No family around. Alone as usual. Because that is my destiny. That is the life that I lead. The life of a nomad. Vanishing slowly. Day by day.

explosive

Why are you driving so god damn slow.

Head is going to explode all over your windshield.

Sometimes I wonder why thoughts only come to me while I'm driving. The windows are down and the music is loud and my hair is blowing in the wind. My mind just wanders and I can't stop thinking. Did I mentioned the my head is going to explode. Do you ever drive and think you're just going to crash. Drive over a bridge and land in the water. Do you ever imagine your own funeral. Does that make me crazy. Don't answer that. 

The pain just doesn't end. There is no relief. No sleep allowed. Pain from here til tomorrow. Random daydreams. Or are they night dreams. Because they happen at night. Sitting on a roof. With someone you don't want to be with. In a glass room that should be covered. With wall to wall newspaper clippings. But you are exposed. Doors everywhere. People walking in and out. No privacy. And you are waiting. No one gets you. They still don't get you. You have closed yourself in. Ostracized yourself. And you don't even care. Random people walk by in your dream. And they all wave. Some stare. And you could care less. You know what you are doing is wrong.
Anything to avoid the pain. You are sweating. Your sheets are wet. Your hair is tangled. Because everything hurts. There is no relief. Go to the emergency room. How will that even help. It's all in your head. You are one big crazy. You want it all to end. Pills. Overdose. You could go in many ways. Blood everywhere. It could be epic. But no one would appreciate it. Not as much as you. Only you would feel relief. Or even joy.
Admitted. Committed. Take me. Free me. Release me. Unleash me.
You win.

Pseudo means FAKE

It's too good to be true
You don't see what's under the surface
Don't look at me
And think you see me
All I want is to disappear
Crawl under my covers
The fan blowing
Someone take a knife
And make a nice incision
In my eyes
To let out all the pressure
So I can feel some relief
A pain free moment
Fluid free lifetime
I need a breather
Just one second
To myself
You ask me what's wrong
Half-heartedly
But you're not even listening
Don't even care
Can't understand
It's because I am ultimately alone
I struggle through all this on my own
Always by myself
My own problem
It's all under the radar
Because you can't see this disease
There are no outward symptoms
Pseudo
Therefore it means nothing to you
It's fake
Non-existent
I fight alone
So I appear grumpy
Or depressed
Miserable
Did you ever wonder if maybe I was in constant pain
That my eyes feel like they are flooding
My head might just explode
That basic conversation is so difficult
Friendships are a waste of time
That I am ruining everything
I just need someone to hold me
Take care of me
Call my doctor
Make everything ok
Hold my hair while I throw up
I need someone to drill a nice little hole
Let out the pressure in my back
In a little cord
All the fluid can come pouring out
Did it ever occur to you
That I might need
Me
Need

PS. This is a joke.

#SummerOfMe

Had the most fabulous 24 hours.

Left work. Accident didn't bother me. Drove into a raging storm. Couldn't see in front of me. Rain was pelting at my windshield. Hailing. Cars were pulled over to the side of the road. Tree branches falling on the highway. My GPS died. But I didn't care. I just kept driving. Heading towards my destination. Knowing that it would be worth it. 

Driving into Atlantic City was thrilling. Seeing all the hotels. The lights. Shining through the fog. The grey sky. Parking in Bally's hotel parking lot. Walking through the casino. Bright lights everywhere. Gamblers all around. I finally made it to the 38th floor and saw my friend. We haven't seen in each other in three years. We hung out in the room for a while. Ate. Changed clothes. Some makeup. Cat-eyes.

Gambling isn't my thing. But watching all the people throw away money is quite fascinating. I see why it's addicting. R gambled so we got free drinks. Cranberry vodka for me. It was so freeing to drink. No responsibilities. No car to drive home. Letting go. Unwinding. She gambled while we waited for the club to open in Caesar's. 

The club was pretty empty when we got there. Fine with me. I've been desperate to dance. Itching to move my body. For so long. No one ever wants to go with me. Second cranberry and vodka. Little cranberry. Lots vodka. Dancing like there's no tomorrow. Tipsy. Music blasting. Hot as hell. Club starts filling up. Moving. Shaking. Dancing. Feeling. One with the music. Fireball whiskey. Shot number one. Sweating. Hands in the air. Music is life. Music is soul. Fireball whiskey. Shot number two. Drunk. Dancing. 

This morning. We sat by the beach. Right outside the hotel. It was amazing. Talking about life. Hardship. Reality. In the sun. People watching. Trying not to get attacked by seagulls. Feet in the water. Sand. Writing. Reading magazines. Chatting about nonsense. Talking serious. Living in the moment. Summer of me. Indulging. Friendship. 

It was time to end our awesome day together. Driving today was so amazing. The weather was so beautiful. Total difference from yesterday. Perfection. Windows down. Music blasting. Sunglasses. Singing at the top of my lungs. Tanning my arms. Was probably the most relaxing drive. I really needed that time on my own to just breathe. Speeding down the highway. Not a care in the world. 

This is exactly what I needed. Indulging. Taking care of my inner child. Release. Breathing. 

ManCave

I hate everything about this day. I hate that there's a set day set aside for you. You make it impossible to move forward. What happened in your life to make you this way. To cause you to act this way. Why do you continue to hurt me. Do you even realize how your actions affect others. Do you know I bought you four cards. One for every one of the rest of the family members. That I do that for every occasion. But I didn't give any of them to you. Because you make me feel like dirt. Like shit. Like I'm worthless. You went out to eat by yourself? What is that. Do you even notice who you have become. Who you have always been. That you are completely alone. That we are all completely alone. That we are all in different zip codes. Are you aware of that. Is that the reason you are miserable. That you treat me like shit. Do you notice. Do you care. Is this what you wanted for your life. For mine. Did you have any goals. Aspirations. Do you realize how you've damaged and hurt me. Us. Do you care. Or are you just tuned out. Is this why I am alone. Afraid to trust. Open up. Let anyone in. Because you've ruined me. You've chipped away at my core. My soul. Day after day. Year after year.

Here's to another Fucking Father's Day. 

Blocked

I feel like shit.
Two posts in one day is not my style.
I like to be more mysterious.
Cryptic.
But now I just don't care.
There's no one to talk to.
No one who knows.
No one who understands.
I put myself in this situation.
I cause my own pain.
Discomfort.
It's always my own damn fault.
And now I need to get my act together.
Put on a brave face.
Pretend like everything is ok.
Like my fingers aren't shaking.
My mind isn't twitching.
There's no pit in my stomach.
That I don't feel ill.
For my own stupidity.
My own idiocy.
But this is what I get.
What I deserve.
For being a fool.
For following blindly.
I am an idiot.
A fool.
I deserve everything that happens to me.
I get what I ask for.
What's one more time.

Bring it on.