It's interesting to watch my sister's perception and experience of life. While I can't get inside her head and she's not much of an emotional over sharer, I feel like I can understand or a better yet relate to what she is going through. Now I know that we are two different people and we have experienced similar struggles throughout our lives, we are definitely not the same. And yes, we have the same parents and the same brother, we even live in the same room again.
I look at her and see all this pain and anger etched in her face, with the weight of the world (or at least our family's) on her shoulders. It just takes me back to being 15. One of the hardest years of my life, and that's saying a lot. I felt so alone and abandoned. I was an extremely depressed teenager with no desire for life. I saw no purpose to anything.
I try so hard to be there for her, I have tried to force her to talk to me. I see the pain in her eyes and know that if I push hard enough, her walls will crumble and she will let some of it out. She rarely uses words, I'm not sure if she even knows what she feels. If she is even able to verbalize her feelings, she will never say them to anyone else. Their are all these tears that I know she holds in.
My father says it's a stage. This is one of his-go-to answers for his children. I'm not sure if he really believes it or has too much on his plate to focus on another issue. He was eventually forced to get me help back when I was her age. But I cried out, I made my anger public. I demanded attention and couldn't be ignored. She is silent.
My hope is that I have helped pave an easier, less painful life for her. I can try and change the circumstances but I cannot change her feelings or reactions. I can only continue to be there and pray that she doesn't have to go through some of the things I did. I hope that one day soon she can see how wonderful she is and all that she has to offer. And most of all, I hope she can be happy and see how much I love her.