Nowhere. Fast.

I just have to say that I don't get it. What does god want from me. 

You think that you work hard. Get your life together. For the most part. And he just sends you a reminder. That he's in charge. 

Why do I not place blame in the correct place. Selfish. 

People are selfish. They think of themselves. And not others. Do not consider the consequences. The results. The effects. 

And yet. I still blame god. For being that puppeteer. Playing me like a marionette. 

Not letting me have a break. To live. In peace. 

But seriously. You know better. Answer me why. It's not ok. 

Don't look to me to make your life better. As a distraction. I am not a pawn in your game. I am a free agent. And I call the shots in my life. 

So take my advice. Make smarter choices. Don't be led by your temptations. They'll get you nowhere. Fast.

What Did I Do

What am I supposed to take from that
Is there a lesson somewhere
A punishment
Were you trying to give me a message
A wake up call
Did I need it that day
That minute
Of all places
I had to pass by then
Cross the street
At that very moment
On that specific day
Exact hour
Tell me why
What did I do
Why did I need that
What were you trying to say
Did you want me to think
Feel
Pretend there's such a thing
As coincidence
Random chance
There's no such thing
Everything matters
Has a purpose
Meaning
A reason
So tell me why
Why did you do it
Do you even care
See me
Hear my silent pain
Is that your plan
Destruction
Shame
Slow
Agonizing
Life-long
Agony
So blatantly obvious
In my face
On a terrible day
The worst kind

Tell me why

Blocked

I feel like shit.
Two posts in one day is not my style.
I like to be more mysterious.
Cryptic.
But now I just don't care.
There's no one to talk to.
No one who knows.
No one who understands.
I put myself in this situation.
I cause my own pain.
Discomfort.
It's always my own damn fault.
And now I need to get my act together.
Put on a brave face.
Pretend like everything is ok.
Like my fingers aren't shaking.
My mind isn't twitching.
There's no pit in my stomach.
That I don't feel ill.
For my own stupidity.
My own idiocy.
But this is what I get.
What I deserve.
For being a fool.
For following blindly.
I am an idiot.
A fool.
I deserve everything that happens to me.
I get what I ask for.
What's one more time.

Bring it on.

i wish...

Well that was disappointing
I shouldn't have waited
Never had expectations
Wish we had never been introduced
You had never reached out
Not the first time
And especially not the second
I wish I had been strong
Made smarter decisions
Followed my brain
And not my heart
Never let you in
I wish I had never exposed myself
Been vulnerable
Made me laugh
Or smile
I wish you didn't know me
Understand me
Leave me
I wish this wasn't so painful
That you weren't gentle
And kind
That you didn't listen
Or critique when necessary
I wish you didn't call me out
Or look at me like that
With those eyes
Like you know me
I wish I had never met you
Touched you
Felt you
That day
I wish for many things
But most of all
I wish I could forget

Don't bother Reading this - it's about someone else

M
Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking. Like there's no floor. Like my head is in a fuzz. I wonder if it's my actual depression taking over. Taking control. Or is it just my head hurting. Should I feel like crap all the time. Is it my own doing. Not sleeping. Should I be miserable all the time. Feel like a ticking time bomb. About to go off any minute. Am I this person. Was I always this way.

T
I don't like it when you look at me like that. When you think I'm pathetic. That my life is so sad. Don't ask me for a hug. You don't know me. You see this outside persona. A controlled being. Yes, I come off as strong-willed. But it's all a show. I'm not real. I hide. It's how I survive. I function. You think I need to be mothered. Well, no duh. Maybe I should self-mother. What a load of crap.

D
I judged you. I always judge you. You have destroyed. Who are you. Am I just like you. A bad person. Hurting people. Ruining lives. Just like you. Everything you touch. You destroy. You used me. You use everyone. You are selfish. You made me distrust. And now where are you. Why do you have space in my brain. Why do you continue to live life. While mine is always on pause. Continuously on hold. How can I still blame you. Think about you. When you are the past.

R
It was too much. Drama. And I know I am one to talk. But I couldn't carry your burdens. Your emotional baggage. I care. I'm sorry. Your life was too complicated. I needed space. You didn't understand. My depression. I had to hide. That's not a friendship. I care. I am hypocrite. But I come first.

E
You live your life. You have a life. I was just a glimpse. Momentary. A friend. Intense. But now what. Everyone leaves. Always. There's no point. Where is the decency. Where is the justice. Don't bother. The TV is my real friend. You were just a facade. I never needed anyone. Vulnerability is dangerous. It opens you. To pain. To sadness. To rawness. To feel.

N
You don't occupy space in my head. You don't matter. Not at all. I am free. Completely.

Seriously. Like I said. Don't bother Reading this.
Any similarity to someone you know is just a coincidence.
Move along.

Sin and All

Should we really feel bad that we haven't spoken to you.

You go on and live your life. Sin and all. 

I've managed to forget a lot. Put most things out of my mind. Move forward. But sometimes you manage to show up in my dreams. And I find that unfair. Why do I give you space in my head. Why is there still a place for you in my mind. 

Why are you living this life that I want. That I deserve. Why does god reward bad people. What about all those people you hurt in the process. What about the lives you stepped on and destroyed. Left to rot in the mud. How do you live with yourself. Look in the mirror. Face yourself each day. Do you still hate yourself. 

Ok. You don't control me anymore.

Back to letting go. 

Happy Nothing Year

Once again I wish you nothing. Not a happy New Year. Not a Sweet New Year. All a total crap. Everyone gets sappy and emotional and starts coming out of the wood work. All to wish a bunch of strangers. Facebook friends. Co-workers. It is all lies. Fake. You didn't really care what the last year was like. So why do you all of the sudden seem to have an outpouring of fake love. I have distanced myself from most. Makes it easier to suffer in silence. Not have to explain myself. Describe what I'm going through. Just experience things on my terms. No one to answer to. So don't call me or bother texting me your message filled false wishes. And by the way, a general Facebook status counts for nothings. No one cares. Don't waste your words.

So Happy Nothing to you and yours. Cheers.

A Response

I've thought a lot about what to write to you. I've wanted to respond for months. There's something stopping me. Pride maybe? I can't admit that my life is hell. I can't verbalize it properly. And I can't justify it or downplay things. That's what I would end up doing. I can't pretend that everything is ok. That I'm ok. I would be lying. I'm struggling and I can't ask for help. I don't know how. I refuse to admit defeat. I have to keep up appearances. The outside world has to think I'm strong. I must fool them all. The problem is that I couldn't fool you. I couldn't fake it around you. You saw right through me. And that scared me. And now I've taken too long. Let it go too far. And I don't know how to fix things. Repair a broken bridge. I think about it daily and yet I haven't done anything about it. Now what?

you get what you deserve

When you're stupid

You suffer the consequences 

End up alone 

Withdrawn 

A reminder 

Of reality 

Life hits you in the face 

You are stupid 

Ask for trouble 

Self inflicted pain 

No one else's fault 

But your own 

Cement your own destiny 

Define what your life 

Has become 

You are stupid 

Stupid 

Stupid stupid

Unworthy 

You deserve nothing 

Pain and suffering 

Brought on yourself 

You will never 

Be happy 

Never be loved 

Never be appreciated

You don't deserve 

Deserve nothing 

Only pain and misery 

Self destruction

Sadness cloaked in numbness 

Pain hidden in avoidance 

Disappointment hidden in a smile 

You get what you deserve 

Lie in the bed you make

Buried in the grave you dig 

No wonder he left 

Everyone left 

Everyone leaves 

Because you don't deserve 

You are unworthy 

You are stupid 

He deserves better 

Better than you 

Because you are a failure 

You are bad 

You deserve to be

Abandoned 

Left 

Hated 

Neglected 

You are stupid 

One day 

Death will be welcomed 

A final peace 

Quiet 

Silence of the mind

Pain free 

Stupid free 

Life free 

You are stupid 

Stupid

You get what you deserve 

The end 

Once a Cheater...

I just don't understand why a person would do that. Is there ever an excuse?

Abuse. Neglect. Escape. Need.

Truthfully you're selfish. All you can think about is yourself. You obviously don't care about anyone else but yourself. You don't care about the consequences. You don't care how it affects those around you. You are playing with fire. And while you are definitely burning yourself, you are also burning those around you. Your husband will leave you. He will not forgive you. He will take your child. He will remarry. Your child will have another mother. Your child will be burned. Damaged for life. Your parents will choose his side. What you're doing is unforgivable.

And you can't see it. Any if it. All you care about is yourself. Your pleasure. You. You're selfish and narcissistic. Self-absorbed. You can't stop.

I think there is still hope. You can still save yourself. But you must get out. Now. You must stop. Now. Cold turkey. You must get help. Now. There's no other choice. It cannot wait. He might still be able to forgive you. Or at least try to work through things. But you must choose him. You must choose your family. Stop choosing yourself. Stop choosing your pleasure.

You have a disease. You are unwell. You need help.

I hope you make the right choice. Because truthfully, if someone did this to me. I would never be able to forgive. I would not stay. No tolerance. Unacceptable. Trust would be gone, forever. You are a cheater. You will always be a cheater.