Rant

Seriously. That's what you are going to say.You do not want me to respond. Because it won't be pretty. I won't be that quiet soul you think you met. Maybe you should grow a pair. Of balls that is. Because you don't know me. No one puts me in a corner. Or defines me. I don't fit into a neat little box. I am limitless. And you do not call the shots. Maybe you should look inward instead of pointing fingers. Did you ever think that it might be you that's the problem. Maybe you should look at your pattern. And get a clue. Don't you dare make assumptions about me. Or label me. I am not yours to comment about. Open your eyes. Or smell the coffee. Whatever. You are not worth my time.

Distorted Religion

There's something seriously wrong with me. I feel like I can't hold back from saying what I think. Like my filter is completely not there.  And yes I know I rarely use it. But at least normally I am able to bite my tongue. Today, I am just on fire. I can blame this on the side effects of all the meds. That have completely wrecked my body. Or the lack of sleep. The nausea. But truthfully, I am just fed up.

It's people like you who make me hate this religion. Who push me away further and further. How dare you cover your hair. Your husband wears the uniform. Black and white. And yet you continue to look down on me. And then you call me judgemental. What happened to following the laws of the land. Your children are disrespectful and destructive. Your four year old constantly ruins our property. And all you do is laugh it off.

You think because you look the part that you can do whatever you want. It's not only about following god's law. Ever heard of treating others properly. Has that completely fallen off your radar. You think you know what's going on in someone's life. That you can make assumptions. Assessments. But you really have not a single clue. There are things that would make you sob your eyes out. You can't even begin to imagine what happens behind closed doors.

And the sick thing is that you of all people DO know. You have witnessed plenty. You are not new here. And I actually think you are a nice person. But how naive can you be. How can you make such statements. Life is fragile. And you never know what a person is going through. But go ahead. Be all high and mighty in your stockings and wig. Do you think that justifies your behavior. Of those like you. Do you actually think that this is what god had in mind.

How dare you call me judgemental. More like hateful. Disappointed. Let down. You and your kind are on this pedestal. You are supposed to be "chosen". You are supposed to be the pure ones. But instead you corrupt and pollute. Distort this religion. This is not what god intended. Not our tradition. You have created this world of us and them. And it's not ok. I refuse to subscribe to your distorted view. It's not authentic. Count me out.

You are lucky that there are people out there who save face. Who are kind. They don't look at my elbows. Or measure the length of my skirt. Their arms are open. Making this religion manageable for one small second. It's people like them that remind me that not everyone is like you. There is goodness and kindness. Generosity. They are non judgmental. And would never behave or speak the way you do. Their children are positive additions to society. And unlike you, they keep this religion going.

So go about your life. Be all high and mighty. Good luck with that.

F....enough with the yiddish names

How horrible is it that I'm jealous. I only met you once. We hung out at a bar in the city years ago. A lifetime ago. I wasn't such a fan. But then again, how many people do I really like. That doesn't say anything about you. Probably says more about me.

I'm envious of your bravery. The fact that your plan worked. You showed everyone. You no longer have to face your demons. It is the world who has to now look for answers. Pretend to understand what your life was about. Everyone else feels pain now. You are finally pain free. Don't people get that. You are free.

Is it terrible that I am happy for you. Envious of you. Wish I was as brave as you. Wish I could take that final leap. Never look back. People can talk about how you were at the peak of your life. Making a difference. Doing so well. Yada Yada. What do they really know. No one understands. No one knows what's going on deep on the inside. The outside is one big facade. You put a face on so that people can be around you. But maybe you can't be around them.

Maybe you survived just the right amount. Maybe some people aren't meant to live a long full life. Maybe some of us have already lived too long. Does anyone ever consider that. Sometimes, a long life is not in the cards. Not desired. Not something to aspire to. Some of us live day by day. Hour by hour. Minute to minute. Every day that we wake up is a miracle. Is torturous to get up and face the day. Face the world. Because you don't belong. You don't want to be there.

So to you, I say congratulations. On finally graduating. From this life. From this world. From your misery. To everyone else. I will continue to say. You have no idea. No idea what a person is. What they are made up of. Who they really are. Don't try to understand after the fact. It's too late. You can look for answers. Try to place blame. But the blame should be internal.

Life is not for everyone.

Don't bother Reading this - it's about someone else

M
Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking. Like there's no floor. Like my head is in a fuzz. I wonder if it's my actual depression taking over. Taking control. Or is it just my head hurting. Should I feel like crap all the time. Is it my own doing. Not sleeping. Should I be miserable all the time. Feel like a ticking time bomb. About to go off any minute. Am I this person. Was I always this way.

T
I don't like it when you look at me like that. When you think I'm pathetic. That my life is so sad. Don't ask me for a hug. You don't know me. You see this outside persona. A controlled being. Yes, I come off as strong-willed. But it's all a show. I'm not real. I hide. It's how I survive. I function. You think I need to be mothered. Well, no duh. Maybe I should self-mother. What a load of crap.

D
I judged you. I always judge you. You have destroyed. Who are you. Am I just like you. A bad person. Hurting people. Ruining lives. Just like you. Everything you touch. You destroy. You used me. You use everyone. You are selfish. You made me distrust. And now where are you. Why do you have space in my brain. Why do you continue to live life. While mine is always on pause. Continuously on hold. How can I still blame you. Think about you. When you are the past.

R
It was too much. Drama. And I know I am one to talk. But I couldn't carry your burdens. Your emotional baggage. I care. I'm sorry. Your life was too complicated. I needed space. You didn't understand. My depression. I had to hide. That's not a friendship. I care. I am hypocrite. But I come first.

E
You live your life. You have a life. I was just a glimpse. Momentary. A friend. Intense. But now what. Everyone leaves. Always. There's no point. Where is the decency. Where is the justice. Don't bother. The TV is my real friend. You were just a facade. I never needed anyone. Vulnerability is dangerous. It opens you. To pain. To sadness. To rawness. To feel.

N
You don't occupy space in my head. You don't matter. Not at all. I am free. Completely.

Seriously. Like I said. Don't bother Reading this.
Any similarity to someone you know is just a coincidence.
Move along.

Sin and All

Should we really feel bad that we haven't spoken to you.

You go on and live your life. Sin and all. 

I've managed to forget a lot. Put most things out of my mind. Move forward. But sometimes you manage to show up in my dreams. And I find that unfair. Why do I give you space in my head. Why is there still a place for you in my mind. 

Why are you living this life that I want. That I deserve. Why does god reward bad people. What about all those people you hurt in the process. What about the lives you stepped on and destroyed. Left to rot in the mud. How do you live with yourself. Look in the mirror. Face yourself each day. Do you still hate yourself. 

Ok. You don't control me anymore.

Back to letting go. 

Horrible Sadness....

Such terrible tragedies going on around me. People who I know well are suffering and in pain. Death and pain all around. Babies born out of wedlock. What is this world coming to? I can't take my mind of these things. So much sadness. Horrible sadness.

A girl my age dies after years of suffering from cancer. Gets sent home from the hospital to Hospice. Sent home to die. But then she dies. She was only 27 years old. Leaving behind a loving husband, family, friends. She was a kind and sweet person. Gentle. Pure.

A friend posts on Facebook yesterday that she regrets to let everyone know that her dear sister has passed away. A younger sister. Mother of a four month old. Dead. Leaves behind a husband. A family. A baby. A motherless baby. My friend has to bury her sister. Her younger sister.

A girl I went to high school with just had a baby with her Mexican boyfriend. Her boyfriend that she works at the local pizza store with. The newborn already looks Mexican. The mother is a blond haired, blue eyed Jew. Her child will have no nachala (portion in Israel). Who gives this child a bris? This girl was adopted as a small child. Her parents gave her everything. For what?

What has happened to the world. Or was it always like this. Miserable. Horrid. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the silver lining? Tell me. Where?