Blocked

I feel like shit.
Two posts in one day is not my style.
I like to be more mysterious.
Cryptic.
But now I just don't care.
There's no one to talk to.
No one who knows.
No one who understands.
I put myself in this situation.
I cause my own pain.
Discomfort.
It's always my own damn fault.
And now I need to get my act together.
Put on a brave face.
Pretend like everything is ok.
Like my fingers aren't shaking.
My mind isn't twitching.
There's no pit in my stomach.
That I don't feel ill.
For my own stupidity.
My own idiocy.
But this is what I get.
What I deserve.
For being a fool.
For following blindly.
I am an idiot.
A fool.
I deserve everything that happens to me.
I get what I ask for.
What's one more time.

Bring it on.

Sin and All

Should we really feel bad that we haven't spoken to you.

You go on and live your life. Sin and all. 

I've managed to forget a lot. Put most things out of my mind. Move forward. But sometimes you manage to show up in my dreams. And I find that unfair. Why do I give you space in my head. Why is there still a place for you in my mind. 

Why are you living this life that I want. That I deserve. Why does god reward bad people. What about all those people you hurt in the process. What about the lives you stepped on and destroyed. Left to rot in the mud. How do you live with yourself. Look in the mirror. Face yourself each day. Do you still hate yourself. 

Ok. You don't control me anymore.

Back to letting go. 

cold

my brain hurts
the whole front of my face hurts
i cant keep food down
im doing fine
i wish i was dead
out of my misery
nicholas sparks separated from his wife
seriously?
when you say you are going to drop off soup
and someone else does
it hurts
lying on the couch
in the freezing cold
alone
i cant do this anymore
why are people so stupid
just shoot me
i cant function
i wish to be
pain free