Stop it

Not sure why I still let you get to me. Why do you have such control over my emotions. I try to separate myself. Be independent. Make my own choices. Live a healthy lifestyle. And yet you manage to make me feel so little. Vulnerable. Needy. Sad. Like that little girl who was never cared for properly. The child who just wanted to be noticed. Fed. Hugged. Why do I let you in so much. I am still somehow trying to fill that void. And I seem to be delusional and think you can do that. That you can step in and fix all that I am. That I feel. When it is most likely your fault to begin with.

an orphan with living parents

How do you write about something when you've been avoiding facing reality for so long. How do you open that wound that has been so neatly packed. Danced around for so long. What do you say when you don't think anyone is listening. And if they are, you know they can't handle what you have to say. What do you do when you are afraid of your own humanity. Your own reality. The power. The sadness. What do you do when the sadness takes over your life. Threatens to swallow you whole. Suctioned to another place. Six feet under. How do you verbalize those words. Capture those deep emotions. Where do you place that self awareness. How do you keep going.

I am an orphan with living parents. I am alone. I am surrounded by people but I am alone. My parents are living and breathing. But they are not here. They do not know me. They do not want me. They are selfish. They never really looked at me. Seen me for who I was. They used me. Abused me. And left me to rot. All I wanted was to be loved. To be welcomed. To be wrapped in their hearts and never let go. But they were distracted. Consumed. And I was left to fend for myself. I am left to pick up the pieces. Of my shattered soul.

You have abused your power. You were supposed to be there. Love me. Hold me. Guide me. You held the blueprints to the future. And instead you shunted my growth. You altered my reality. You forced me into roles where I did not belong. I took on everyone else's burden. But no one was there to protect me. You abandoned me. I am abandoned. And now all I feel is a void. An emptiness deep in my gut. That cannot be filled. You were supposed to be the parents. You were my example of how to navigate this complicated world. And you failed.

All I ever wanted was unconditional love. And support. And you couldn't even give me that. A basic need. My human right. Everything with you comes at a cost. A hefty price. Sanity is not an option. You don't care if I make it through the day. If I ever materialize to be something real. You have sucked me dry. Corrupted my thoughts. Controlled my mindset. Your voice echos in my brain. Saying nothing helpful. I lead my life in fear. Of others' knowing me. Of myself. Of never amounting to anything. Because you never believed in me. You didn't even give me a chance.

And now you have robbed me of my anger. The only defense mechanism left. There's no more hiding. Or avoidance. The truth has finally surfaced. Hit me in the face. You are toxic. You were never good for me. No matter how hard I try to find another conclusion. I can't. There is no choice. I can't survive with you in the way. You missed out on knowing me. Of being in my life. Of making a positive impact. I am an orphan by choice. Because although you are biologically my parents. You don't deserve the title.

I am an orphan with living parents. It's not something anyone wants to hear. It's not something I want to say. But I can hide from it no longer. I am an orphan with living parents.

passive nothing

Dear A

It’s very hard for me to write this letter. To verbalize what it is I am feeling. But I feel that if I don’t get it out, I might burst. I just don’t understand why you act different toward me. Do you even notice? Do you feel the difference? Do you even notice that you are avoiding me? That you are distant. Not around. Is it because of something I did? I just don’t get it. Don’t you want to have a relationship with me? Why shut me out? Do you feel happy? Coming home late and avoiding me? Making Shabbos plans and not even including me? When is the last time you called me? Texted me? Do you even notice? Do you know that sometimes I feel like an orphan? All alone. No parents to turn to. That if something happened to me, they wouldn’t even know. No relationship with any family. My siblings only call me when they need something. And when I call them, they don’t have much to say. Why have I always been there for you and for them and I can’t seem to get the same in return. What happened to the backgammon games? Eating supper together? Shabbos meals? The walks? The guitar lessons? We need each other. We have always been there for each other. To bounce ideas on. Our days. I don’t understand what happened? Are you mad at me? Do you feel happy in the way that things are? Because I don’t. I have made effort a few times and you have pushed me away. You are not approachable. You talk to everyone but me. And I am not ok with that. If there’s something you want to say, then say it. This passive behavior is not getting us anywhere. So here is me stepping out of myself. Reaching out to make a change. I hope you take this letter to heart and make a change.

You know where to find me.

Your daughter,

R

Begging

So this is something that I have gone through and I have never talked about it. Or maybe I have told a few people but no one really understands. I've done some bad stuff so this is probably shocking. And I don't even know where to begin but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. 

People talk about how abuse can lead a child or teenager to do bad things. And I've been asked many times by people and by therapists if I was ever abused when they hear my story. I think there's different types of abuse. It's not only about someone touching you or inappropriately forcing themselves on you. We all know that there's such a thing as emotional abuse and verbal abuse. And there is just plain inappropriate behavior that probably wouldn't get a child taken away but will damage that child for the rest of their lives. I'm not making any sense am I? 

You see I've always felt like I was damaged goods. But I knew too much and saw too many things happen that shouldn't have happened. And now I'm talking in circles. I'm pretty good at screwing things up. So I've learned to keep to myself. Shut myself up in my own world. Where no one can penetrate. Or hurt me. I've created these walls as protection. 

Now there have been a few people who broke through the barriers. Who I eventually let in. Maybe they understood me. Maybe they cared about me. But they all hurt me. Used me. I let them use me. Because I am a fool. Sometimes I feel like I'm living one big lie. That the person everyone sees or think they know is a farce. 

I go to an event and all I see is a loving family. I should feel warm and happy. But instead all I feel is empty. Lacking. It makes me sick that they all love each other. Care about each other. That life just seems so unreachable. So totally unrealistic. I can't look at them. Just reminds me what I don't have. 

I really don't want to be this person. I want a fresh start. A new life. Some opportunity would be nice. I'm sick of the  past holding me back. Of people ruining me. Disappointing me. Leaving. Physically and emotionally. Of having that void. In my heart. In my soul. In my body. 

I'm sick of all this shit. Just once I ask for some peace. A break. But no. You just keep striking. Let it go. We get it. It's enough. Just give us a fucking break. How much can a person handle. No more please. I'm begging. Please. 

Endless Pattern

Do you realize what you're doing. How your actions affect other people. Do you see me. Or are you looking through me. Do you see a pattern. An unhealthy cycle. Why must this continue. Happen once again. When will you learn from the past. And not continue to repeat it. Do you feel bad. Do you notice the damage you cause. The pain you cannot erase. The distrust that arises and develops. Never to return. Are you so far gone that you do not notice anymore. Cannot choose your family. Are you so alone and wrapped up in your own mind. You don't see what you're doing. How many times will there be room for forgiveness. Will we always be able to let you back in when you come around. When you decide you're ready. Can we withstand this one more time. Do you see us hurting. Desperate for your love and attention. Are you totally blinded by your own pain. Is she all you can think about. Must she consume your every thought. Do you see how crippled you've made us. Do you. Do you.

Do you know who I am?

I write because I might explode. If I don't get certain thoughts out of my head, I'm not sure what I could do.

I come to see you and you barely show emotion. No recognition on your face. You sit in your chair and refuse to communicate. Do you know I'm here. Do you know who I am. 

You won't eat. You won't talk. Your family sits around you. Do you know who we are. Do you care. Do you realize that we have sacrificed our lives for you. Again. Constantly. Never ending. 

Do you realize that the roles are reversed. Have always been. That I take YOU to the bathroom. Force you to sit down. That I'm the one putting a diaper on YOU. Then I lay in bed with you and hold you. As you sleep in my arms, taking up a third of the bed and whimpering in your sleep. 

I wonder what you're thinking. Are their any thoughts in your head. Complete emptiness. Do you recognize me. Do you think I'm your mother. Are you used to me being your caretaker. Who else would do such things. Do you even know who I am. Do you trust just anyone. Are you slightly more comfortable with me. 

And I try not to let my mind wander. No thinking allowed. Feelings are not ok. Shut down. Tucked in a little corner. In the back of my head. In a crevice in my heart. I cannot choose me. Never the first priority. Must be strong. And take care of everyone else. That is my destiny. It's why I was placed on this earth. For you. For them. This is who I am. I am the way I am because of you. 

Do you know that. Do you know that you gave me life and then wrecked it. Do you know that I have nothing. Am nothing. For you. Because of you. Do you know. And now what. How long can this go on. How long can I fake this reality. This truth. Your truth. 

When do I get to have a mother.

Intervention Here We Come

Driving through the snow tonight, I was so moved by how beautiful my surroundings were. The white is so pure and innocent. Untouched by little hands or cars turning it to mud. No plows have ventured out yet. Still calm and peaceful. Slowly covering each car. Trees turning into these stunning magical, almost other worldly creations.

And in all this beauty that surrounded me, all I could think about is the ugliness that exists in this world. Darkness that resides in my world. My life. The home that I have always run from and continue to come back to. The threatening and painful environment. Where the only safe haven is my bedroom. The only person who loves me selflessly is my baby sister. My ally. My only support system. 

This week was an interesting one. And it seems it will only get more interesting. Monday, I went to a new neurologist. Turns out my shunt is doing fine. Just need another x-Ray to be certain. Tuesday, I went to my regular doctor. He is concerned about the weak pulse in my feet. Yay. Possible side effect of diabetes. Yay. But that's my hypochondria setting in. Waiting for blood work. 

That night, after dinner with friends and my shiur, I went to speak to a woman who is "close" to our family. She's on the "A Team", aka "team Ma", or just the people who help out, volunteer and run our lives. She has been meeting with each person in my family to better understand their take on the current situation. After telling her my thoughts, I blurted out that I think an intervention would be the best idea. 

Yeah, so guess what. She called tonight and said that there's going to be a "meeting" on Saturday night with all the main people on the "A Team" including us two girls and my father. Umm huh? What? People are getting involved? There might be an end to this madness? Normalcy might resume? Things are about to get interesting. That's for sure. 

Dripping With Anger

Really?

You're gonna say that I'm a bad influence?

You're gonna put this all on me?

I'm to blame for your behavior?

Are you kidding me?

Who keeps this family glued together?

Who makes sure everyone is taken care of?

Who? Who?

Who steps in when you decide to shut down?

And what have you done? 

You've shut yourself down

And you have the audacity to blame me!

Are you for real?

You can't even have a conversation

Instead you act like the toddler that you are

Avoid the people in your life

Your allies

Your support system 

Have I not been your sounding board for the last who knows how many years?

Have I not been the mother for your children that they never had?

Have I not stepped in for the wife that you never had?

Have I not been through hell in back and dealt with it alone?

Without parent

Without support 

Without love 

Alone!

Do you even know what I've been through?

What I've overcome?

Who I was and who I have become?

Do you know me at all??

I'm a bad influence? Really?!?

Killing Us Slowly

I can't deal.

My sister is laying in her bed crying. Crying off and on for the last hour. I tell her I love her. But she still cries. She is so mad at my father. Her father. This is the girl that rarely shows emotion. She's crying. 

And I lay here in the dark. Absent of emotion. Numb. I envy her tears. I desire her outburst of emotion. I feel apathy towards him. For myself. But for her, I want to strangle him. Shake him awake from his deep sleep. Make him apologize. Fix this mess he has caused. 

My sister is crying. And it's all his fault. His neglect is damaging our lives. It is ruining the balance of our home. Killing us slowly. 

And she continues to cry. 

Good-Bye Again

D. 

I write this with a heavy heart. I try to be a kind person and contrary to what some might say, I don't like hurting people. I try to be gentle and cautious with other people's feelings and hearts. So telling you this is not easy. I don't mean to cause you more harm. And it hurts me that I have to do this. But at this point I don't feel there's any better option.

I can't watch you ruin your life. I can't be a part of your life. You have continued to make poor decisions and for some reason they affect me. When I ended things the first time, I did it in a vindictive and nasty way. I was angry then. I hated you. I felt you ruined my life. I was over-dramatic. And I spent so much time willing you not to exist. Erasing the past. Pretending it never happened. It was the right thing to end it. I did it in the only way I knew how. But it was wrong how I did it. I couldn't be sensitive then. 

And then a few years ago I decided the only way I could actually forgive you and move on was to talk to you. To bring up the past. Hear your take. Analyze things to death. And to forgive you. I forgave you. I forgive you. But I have never forgiven myself. Talking about those days takes me back. It won't let me move. It makes it hard for me to function. It's an unnecessary distraction.

I fight every day to be happy. To be healthy. And talking to you is not helping my goal. It's pushing me back. Causing me harm. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. And while I know I could probably help you and be there for you. You have never been able to be there for me. And now I have to choose me, once again. I have to say good bye. This time I say it in a soft and gentle way. I say it with concern and care. For both of us. But I can't sink. I must choose to swim. Even if that means I'm causing you to drown without me.

Good bye,

R

Once a Cheater...

I just don't understand why a person would do that. Is there ever an excuse?

Abuse. Neglect. Escape. Need.

Truthfully you're selfish. All you can think about is yourself. You obviously don't care about anyone else but yourself. You don't care about the consequences. You don't care how it affects those around you. You are playing with fire. And while you are definitely burning yourself, you are also burning those around you. Your husband will leave you. He will not forgive you. He will take your child. He will remarry. Your child will have another mother. Your child will be burned. Damaged for life. Your parents will choose his side. What you're doing is unforgivable.

And you can't see it. Any if it. All you care about is yourself. Your pleasure. You. You're selfish and narcissistic. Self-absorbed. You can't stop.

I think there is still hope. You can still save yourself. But you must get out. Now. You must stop. Now. Cold turkey. You must get help. Now. There's no other choice. It cannot wait. He might still be able to forgive you. Or at least try to work through things. But you must choose him. You must choose your family. Stop choosing yourself. Stop choosing your pleasure.

You have a disease. You are unwell. You need help.

I hope you make the right choice. Because truthfully, if someone did this to me. I would never be able to forgive. I would not stay. No tolerance. Unacceptable. Trust would be gone, forever. You are a cheater. You will always be a cheater.