Stop it

Not sure why I still let you get to me. Why do you have such control over my emotions. I try to separate myself. Be independent. Make my own choices. Live a healthy lifestyle. And yet you manage to make me feel so little. Vulnerable. Needy. Sad. Like that little girl who was never cared for properly. The child who just wanted to be noticed. Fed. Hugged. Why do I let you in so much. I am still somehow trying to fill that void. And I seem to be delusional and think you can do that. That you can step in and fix all that I am. That I feel. When it is most likely your fault to begin with.

Cry for the Future

I am always so composed
Together
Hold my real emotions inside
The deep dark ones
That no one really knows about
Would scare them if they did
The ones that control me
That I think about day and night
No break
Control my every moment
Suffocate me
In silence
The cup is not full
Or Empty
There is no cup
It is missing

Today
I cried for the first time
In over a year
I cried tears
Real tears
Flinging around
Uncontrollable
My mother
Is in the hospital
Again
She will not open her eyes
Cannot hear me
Register I am in front of her
Holding her hand
Stroking her face
My tears are dripping on her
And she does not notice
My mother
Who I never visit
Never appreciate
May never wake up
And now it's too late
I may get my wish
And be an orphan

My father
Now he is another story
Does he even realize
He is suffocating me
Killing me slowly
Day after day
Year after year
Does he even notice me
He walks out of the room
As if I do not exist

I sit there
And I cry
I cry for the past
I cry for the present
And I cry for the future

an orphan with living parents

How do you write about something when you've been avoiding facing reality for so long. How do you open that wound that has been so neatly packed. Danced around for so long. What do you say when you don't think anyone is listening. And if they are, you know they can't handle what you have to say. What do you do when you are afraid of your own humanity. Your own reality. The power. The sadness. What do you do when the sadness takes over your life. Threatens to swallow you whole. Suctioned to another place. Six feet under. How do you verbalize those words. Capture those deep emotions. Where do you place that self awareness. How do you keep going.

I am an orphan with living parents. I am alone. I am surrounded by people but I am alone. My parents are living and breathing. But they are not here. They do not know me. They do not want me. They are selfish. They never really looked at me. Seen me for who I was. They used me. Abused me. And left me to rot. All I wanted was to be loved. To be welcomed. To be wrapped in their hearts and never let go. But they were distracted. Consumed. And I was left to fend for myself. I am left to pick up the pieces. Of my shattered soul.

You have abused your power. You were supposed to be there. Love me. Hold me. Guide me. You held the blueprints to the future. And instead you shunted my growth. You altered my reality. You forced me into roles where I did not belong. I took on everyone else's burden. But no one was there to protect me. You abandoned me. I am abandoned. And now all I feel is a void. An emptiness deep in my gut. That cannot be filled. You were supposed to be the parents. You were my example of how to navigate this complicated world. And you failed.

All I ever wanted was unconditional love. And support. And you couldn't even give me that. A basic need. My human right. Everything with you comes at a cost. A hefty price. Sanity is not an option. You don't care if I make it through the day. If I ever materialize to be something real. You have sucked me dry. Corrupted my thoughts. Controlled my mindset. Your voice echos in my brain. Saying nothing helpful. I lead my life in fear. Of others' knowing me. Of myself. Of never amounting to anything. Because you never believed in me. You didn't even give me a chance.

And now you have robbed me of my anger. The only defense mechanism left. There's no more hiding. Or avoidance. The truth has finally surfaced. Hit me in the face. You are toxic. You were never good for me. No matter how hard I try to find another conclusion. I can't. There is no choice. I can't survive with you in the way. You missed out on knowing me. Of being in my life. Of making a positive impact. I am an orphan by choice. Because although you are biologically my parents. You don't deserve the title.

I am an orphan with living parents. It's not something anyone wants to hear. It's not something I want to say. But I can hide from it no longer. I am an orphan with living parents.

Hugs in the Street

Went for a walk with my dad last night. It was umm nice. We talked about our day. We are able to have basic conversation. Talking about nothing real. I know that he's making an effort and I guess so am I. But is this what a father daughter relationship is supposed to look like. Cordial. On the surface. I tiptoe around him. Hold back. I have this major secret. And I just can't tell him.

I sit here and I think about all the damage caused. The psychological sorrow. The never ending baggage. One line rings in my head. Refuses to be forgotten. "If I don't hug my children, they'll get hugs in the streets." That line has ruined me. A defining moment. Life altering. 

How many poor decisions I've made. Is it coincidence that I've gotten myself involved in compromising situations. Always searching. Trapped in an illusion. Unattainable relationships. Unavailable hearts. Belonging elsewhere. Never to me. For me. 

So now I choose to be alone. Share my heart with no one. Protect myself. The walls go up so no one can penetrate. Because anytime I let them down, I've gotten hurt. Been harmed. Damaged. Betrayed. It's never been about me. Not once. No one has ever chosen me. Not my father and not anyone else. 

ManCave

I hate everything about this day. I hate that there's a set day set aside for you. You make it impossible to move forward. What happened in your life to make you this way. To cause you to act this way. Why do you continue to hurt me. Do you even realize how your actions affect others. Do you know I bought you four cards. One for every one of the rest of the family members. That I do that for every occasion. But I didn't give any of them to you. Because you make me feel like dirt. Like shit. Like I'm worthless. You went out to eat by yourself? What is that. Do you even notice who you have become. Who you have always been. That you are completely alone. That we are all completely alone. That we are all in different zip codes. Are you aware of that. Is that the reason you are miserable. That you treat me like shit. Do you notice. Do you care. Is this what you wanted for your life. For mine. Did you have any goals. Aspirations. Do you realize how you've damaged and hurt me. Us. Do you care. Or are you just tuned out. Is this why I am alone. Afraid to trust. Open up. Let anyone in. Because you've ruined me. You've chipped away at my core. My soul. Day after day. Year after year.

Here's to another Fucking Father's Day. 

Cloudy

A cloud that follows you around. Daily. Hourly. Minute after minute. Refuses to abandon its post. It has been assigned to you since birth. Been very loyal. More loyal than most. The cloud follows you wherever you go. Never far behind. A cloud filled with sawdust. Filled with blood. Sometimes you think you've managed to escape. To hide. That you've managed to dodge the cloud. But it always, always finds you. Never gives you a breather. The cloud always finds you. Trails right behind you. If not immediately above you. Sometimes the cloud drifts far away. Sometimes it leaves for a long time. But the cloud always finds it's way back. The cloud will never leave. The cloud is constant. The cloud is reality.

The cloud is my comfort zone. It's my security blanket. I don't know how to live without it. I am naked when it leaves me. I am cold and alone without it. The truth is, I am vulnerable. That is my confession. And that is something most people will never hear me say. I am not that strong person everyone sees. That wall you all see was built to protect myself. From all the pain and heartache. The constant disappointment. Letdowns. The sadness. For the little girl who had no parents. Who had no love. Who now spends her life trying to pick up the pieces. Who spent her life being an extrovert and finally came to terms with reality that she was really an introvert. I am just a little girl. Stuck in a woman's body. Learning how to navigate this life. This world. With this cloud over my head. 

cold

my brain hurts
the whole front of my face hurts
i cant keep food down
im doing fine
i wish i was dead
out of my misery
nicholas sparks separated from his wife
seriously?
when you say you are going to drop off soup
and someone else does
it hurts
lying on the couch
in the freezing cold
alone
i cant do this anymore
why are people so stupid
just shoot me
i cant function
i wish to be
pain free

Why

I'm just sick of it. Why does this keep happening to me. What did I do to deserve this. How am I supposed to keep going. Keep fighting. I'm tired. Worn out. Overwhelmed. Stressed out. Anxious. Enough is enough. No more. Please no more. I'm mad. At you. At him. I hate him. Why am I alone. Why is it ok for you to abandon me. Abandoned. Neglected. Forced to fight alone. Suffocate on my own. By myself. Over and over again. Why does this keep happening to me. When is my break. When do I get to come up for air. This isn't right. It's all wrong. So wrong. I can't be strong. Won't make it through. The truth is that it's times like this that I wish I had a mother. Someone to care. Unconditional love. Why.

Endless Pattern

Do you realize what you're doing. How your actions affect other people. Do you see me. Or are you looking through me. Do you see a pattern. An unhealthy cycle. Why must this continue. Happen once again. When will you learn from the past. And not continue to repeat it. Do you feel bad. Do you notice the damage you cause. The pain you cannot erase. The distrust that arises and develops. Never to return. Are you so far gone that you do not notice anymore. Cannot choose your family. Are you so alone and wrapped up in your own mind. You don't see what you're doing. How many times will there be room for forgiveness. Will we always be able to let you back in when you come around. When you decide you're ready. Can we withstand this one more time. Do you see us hurting. Desperate for your love and attention. Are you totally blinded by your own pain. Is she all you can think about. Must she consume your every thought. Do you see how crippled you've made us. Do you. Do you.

On Whose Terms?

I wonder what god wants from us. Why he created a messed up world. Does he have high expectations of us or does he know we will all fail. I wonder why he created pain and misery. Why some people are born with happy dispositions and others are in constant agony.

Is it normal that I'm the happiest person in my family. When I'm really faking it. Being strong for everyone else. So the family won't totally fall apart. Each person is suffering in their own depression. Slowly suffocating on their own terms. 

I just spent the last two hours in a bar. Not for me. But for my father. Who is severely depressed. Everything he has worked his life for is slipping through his fingers. The love of his life, the woman he treasures doesn't know who he is. Is falling through the cracks. Farther and farther away from him. I watch him drink  beer after beer, as I sip my sprite. And I wish I could be the one getting drunk. I wish I could be the one letting go. But it's never my time. I must always be strong. 

And then I drive him home. Once again the responsible one. Never let off the hook. We laugh and joke. About her funeral. What we would say for our hespedim. How he would announce his engagement. We are sick. Sicker than people could ever know. Then I say that no eulogizing is allowed in Nissan. And we laugh some more. 

We get home and I tuck him into his bed. And then I sit here in a quiet house. Alone. And I feel nothing. A lifetime of nothing, I think about all the people I've lost. Who've left for one reason or another. Those that I cut out. Some that I've pushed away. All gone. To constantly protect myself. Because it's the only way I could continue to function. How much could a human being withstand. How can I survive when the past refuses to let me go. Holds me hostage. Floods my mind. The present stretches out, pushing the future away from reach. 

Where's the hope. What does hope even mean. It's all unattainable. So forgive me if I don't have energy to respond. To be the person you need me to be. I'm doing the best I can. And that's as honest as you're gonna get. I'm still alive. And that's a daily struggle. I'm still alive. For now. 

tell me why

Alone again. A constant thought. The house is empty. Just me and my dad. Seems so familiar. Like we've done this before. The past is revisiting. Dejavu. Takes me back to a few lifetimes ago. When it was just me and him against the world. Fighting to survive. Fighting to function. Mother unwell. Once again. Me the only child. I lay in my bed. I listen to him talk on the phone. Call after call. Lots of concerned people. Calls to lawyers. Calls to insurance companies. Even a painful call to the funeral home. Gotta be prepared. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. What is this life. How did we deserve this. What are we supposed to do. How are we expected to function. To survive. Why. She's in a locked ward. Old, decrepid people surround her. She is the youngest by many years. Someone please explain to me what's happened. How is this my life. Where is the happiness and joy. Where is the youth and the energy. Where is love. Contentment. Peace. Tell me where. Where is the family. How can I feel like an empty nester and I have never even given  birth to a child. Tell me how. How is this my life. Don't I deserve better. Don't I. Is there anything left of this life for me. What about me. What will happen. How will I survive. How will I make it through. How will I pull through this life. How. Tell me.

Motherfree

She's back in the emergency room

Thinks the year is 1973

Not sure what happened then 

Why that sticks in her mind

She thinks she's at "zaidy's house"

We don't have a zaidy 

He rushes to her side 

Once again

Just like always

Everything gets dropped

She is his first priority 

I have wished her dead

Gone from my life 

I have cursed her

I picture availus

Mourning 

Motherfree

I am a bad person 

Good Shabbos

Intervention Here We Come

Driving through the snow tonight, I was so moved by how beautiful my surroundings were. The white is so pure and innocent. Untouched by little hands or cars turning it to mud. No plows have ventured out yet. Still calm and peaceful. Slowly covering each car. Trees turning into these stunning magical, almost other worldly creations.

And in all this beauty that surrounded me, all I could think about is the ugliness that exists in this world. Darkness that resides in my world. My life. The home that I have always run from and continue to come back to. The threatening and painful environment. Where the only safe haven is my bedroom. The only person who loves me selflessly is my baby sister. My ally. My only support system. 

This week was an interesting one. And it seems it will only get more interesting. Monday, I went to a new neurologist. Turns out my shunt is doing fine. Just need another x-Ray to be certain. Tuesday, I went to my regular doctor. He is concerned about the weak pulse in my feet. Yay. Possible side effect of diabetes. Yay. But that's my hypochondria setting in. Waiting for blood work. 

That night, after dinner with friends and my shiur, I went to speak to a woman who is "close" to our family. She's on the "A Team", aka "team Ma", or just the people who help out, volunteer and run our lives. She has been meeting with each person in my family to better understand their take on the current situation. After telling her my thoughts, I blurted out that I think an intervention would be the best idea. 

Yeah, so guess what. She called tonight and said that there's going to be a "meeting" on Saturday night with all the main people on the "A Team" including us two girls and my father. Umm huh? What? People are getting involved? There might be an end to this madness? Normalcy might resume? Things are about to get interesting. That's for sure. 

Dripping With Anger

Really?

You're gonna say that I'm a bad influence?

You're gonna put this all on me?

I'm to blame for your behavior?

Are you kidding me?

Who keeps this family glued together?

Who makes sure everyone is taken care of?

Who? Who?

Who steps in when you decide to shut down?

And what have you done? 

You've shut yourself down

And you have the audacity to blame me!

Are you for real?

You can't even have a conversation

Instead you act like the toddler that you are

Avoid the people in your life

Your allies

Your support system 

Have I not been your sounding board for the last who knows how many years?

Have I not been the mother for your children that they never had?

Have I not stepped in for the wife that you never had?

Have I not been through hell in back and dealt with it alone?

Without parent

Without support 

Without love 

Alone!

Do you even know what I've been through?

What I've overcome?

Who I was and who I have become?

Do you know me at all??

I'm a bad influence? Really?!?

Her thoughts

She's more like me than I realized...

Killing Us Slowly

I can't deal.

My sister is laying in her bed crying. Crying off and on for the last hour. I tell her I love her. But she still cries. She is so mad at my father. Her father. This is the girl that rarely shows emotion. She's crying. 

And I lay here in the dark. Absent of emotion. Numb. I envy her tears. I desire her outburst of emotion. I feel apathy towards him. For myself. But for her, I want to strangle him. Shake him awake from his deep sleep. Make him apologize. Fix this mess he has caused. 

My sister is crying. And it's all his fault. His neglect is damaging our lives. It is ruining the balance of our home. Killing us slowly. 

And she continues to cry. 

Defeated

Babies babies. My childhood best friend just had a baby girl. I'm mixed with so many emotions. I'm thrilled for her. She deserves only good things. Two friends of mine are in their ninth month. They've both been waiting a long time. Getting pregnant was a struggle. I'm so happy about their joy and excitement. Babies.

My father has not spoken to us for over a week. It's like living in a house with a ghost. He comes home and goes straight to sleep. When we go into our room, he comes out and goes downstairs. He can never be on the same floor as us. 

I spoke to a friend about D. We have never really talked about what happened in the past. She basically told me that she knew all along. She wondered why I kept going back. How I've said so many times before that this is it. We're done. What makes this time different. We talked about cheating and morals and being Jewish in your core. 

I've been listening to old CDs. CDs that bring strong memories of the past. Of people. I haven't been able to paint. I have been thinking a lot. Contemplating. I wish I could really feel my emotions. I wish there were tears. When is the last time I cried.