imploding

What happens when you drown

When you're drowning 

Falling 

When you feel nothing 

Total emptiness 

Lack of anything 

No will to live

Given up

Stopped fighting 

Let go

Are letting go

Nothing to hold on to

When you burn your skin 

And feel no pain

Or cut yourself 

And no blood comes out 

When you are bruised all over 

And raw to the core 

When your eyes are bleeding out 

Dream about death 

A funeral 

A different version of hell

Overdosing 

Institutionalized 

Immobilized 

Dunk your head in the toilet 

Drive off the bridge 

Smash into a million smithereens 

Combust 

Explode 

Implode 

What happens when you are numb 

Done 

Gone 

Dead 

Dead to the world 

Dead to yourself 

No will to live 

What happens when you dream

Of nothing 

Emptiness 

Die in your sleep 

The end. 

Dead Calm

Sometimes I wish I was dead. Shhh, don't tell anyone. It makes people uncomfortable. They want to tell you that you shouldn't feel that way. Or that you don't feel that way. They make a joke. Try to lighten the mood. But guess what. This isn't about you. I'm not trying to beat around the bush. I don't need you to tell me to go to my therapist. Or to go on medication. I don't need your answers. Your suggestions. Your opinions. Maybe I need you to listen. To hear me out. Listen to my pain. Maybe I just need to vent. To be. To feel. To share. A shoulder. Did that ever occur to you. Maybe it's ok that I feel this way. Death is not always a bad thing. The worst thing. Maybe it's a relief. A final calm. Eternal peace. Maybe I'm crazy. And no, I'm not suicidal. You don't have to worry. I'm not going to hurt myself. I have no plan. You don't have to jump to conclusions. Relax. I don't need to be watched or even worried about. I'm just telling you that sometimes I wish it was all over. That I was done. Finished. And that's ok. My feelings are valid. You don't have to run from me. Avoid me. Walk on eggshells. I'm going to be ok. I'm strong as always. I put on a good act. Not to worry. You can go on living your meaningless, insensitive life. I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

I live to serve

Sometimes I just wish for the end. For it all to be over. I see no point. No silver lining. Nothing in the cup. I see nothing. But feel everything. And nothing at the same time. Or maybe too much of everything. I just need a break. I need a breather from all of this. A pain-free moment. To be calm. I'm just done. I'm tired. Very tired. I feel old. Very old. It's enough.

I feel alone. Fighting this constant battle. Alone. No matter how much you try now. It's too late. You can't make up the damage. It's done. I'm scarred. Crippled. Destroyed. My heart is forever broken. Shattered. With no chance of recovery. I will never be ok. I will always be haunted. Damaged. I am damaged goods. Ruined.

Every day that I get out of bed is a miracle. I don't want to do this anymore. I daydream of a funeral. Mine. Who will attend. Who will speak. How miserable everyone will be. It's magnificent. I want everyone to feel pain. Anguish. I want everyone to feel a void. To wonder. How they caused me to end everything. How insensitive they lead their lives. Serves them all right. Everyone deserves what they get. I hope you all suffer.

F....enough with the yiddish names

How horrible is it that I'm jealous. I only met you once. We hung out at a bar in the city years ago. A lifetime ago. I wasn't such a fan. But then again, how many people do I really like. That doesn't say anything about you. Probably says more about me.

I'm envious of your bravery. The fact that your plan worked. You showed everyone. You no longer have to face your demons. It is the world who has to now look for answers. Pretend to understand what your life was about. Everyone else feels pain now. You are finally pain free. Don't people get that. You are free.

Is it terrible that I am happy for you. Envious of you. Wish I was as brave as you. Wish I could take that final leap. Never look back. People can talk about how you were at the peak of your life. Making a difference. Doing so well. Yada Yada. What do they really know. No one understands. No one knows what's going on deep on the inside. The outside is one big facade. You put a face on so that people can be around you. But maybe you can't be around them.

Maybe you survived just the right amount. Maybe some people aren't meant to live a long full life. Maybe some of us have already lived too long. Does anyone ever consider that. Sometimes, a long life is not in the cards. Not desired. Not something to aspire to. Some of us live day by day. Hour by hour. Minute to minute. Every day that we wake up is a miracle. Is torturous to get up and face the day. Face the world. Because you don't belong. You don't want to be there.

So to you, I say congratulations. On finally graduating. From this life. From this world. From your misery. To everyone else. I will continue to say. You have no idea. No idea what a person is. What they are made up of. Who they really are. Don't try to understand after the fact. It's too late. You can look for answers. Try to place blame. But the blame should be internal.

Life is not for everyone.

explosive

Why are you driving so god damn slow.

Head is going to explode all over your windshield.

Sometimes I wonder why thoughts only come to me while I'm driving. The windows are down and the music is loud and my hair is blowing in the wind. My mind just wanders and I can't stop thinking. Did I mentioned the my head is going to explode. Do you ever drive and think you're just going to crash. Drive over a bridge and land in the water. Do you ever imagine your own funeral. Does that make me crazy. Don't answer that. 

The pain just doesn't end. There is no relief. No sleep allowed. Pain from here til tomorrow. Random daydreams. Or are they night dreams. Because they happen at night. Sitting on a roof. With someone you don't want to be with. In a glass room that should be covered. With wall to wall newspaper clippings. But you are exposed. Doors everywhere. People walking in and out. No privacy. And you are waiting. No one gets you. They still don't get you. You have closed yourself in. Ostracized yourself. And you don't even care. Random people walk by in your dream. And they all wave. Some stare. And you could care less. You know what you are doing is wrong.
Anything to avoid the pain. You are sweating. Your sheets are wet. Your hair is tangled. Because everything hurts. There is no relief. Go to the emergency room. How will that even help. It's all in your head. You are one big crazy. You want it all to end. Pills. Overdose. You could go in many ways. Blood everywhere. It could be epic. But no one would appreciate it. Not as much as you. Only you would feel relief. Or even joy.
Admitted. Committed. Take me. Free me. Release me. Unleash me.
You win.