Dripping With Anger

Really?

You're gonna say that I'm a bad influence?

You're gonna put this all on me?

I'm to blame for your behavior?

Are you kidding me?

Who keeps this family glued together?

Who makes sure everyone is taken care of?

Who? Who?

Who steps in when you decide to shut down?

And what have you done? 

You've shut yourself down

And you have the audacity to blame me!

Are you for real?

You can't even have a conversation

Instead you act like the toddler that you are

Avoid the people in your life

Your allies

Your support system 

Have I not been your sounding board for the last who knows how many years?

Have I not been the mother for your children that they never had?

Have I not stepped in for the wife that you never had?

Have I not been through hell in back and dealt with it alone?

Without parent

Without support 

Without love 

Alone!

Do you even know what I've been through?

What I've overcome?

Who I was and who I have become?

Do you know me at all??

I'm a bad influence? Really?!?

Her thoughts

She's more like me than I realized...

Killing Us Slowly

I can't deal.

My sister is laying in her bed crying. Crying off and on for the last hour. I tell her I love her. But she still cries. She is so mad at my father. Her father. This is the girl that rarely shows emotion. She's crying. 

And I lay here in the dark. Absent of emotion. Numb. I envy her tears. I desire her outburst of emotion. I feel apathy towards him. For myself. But for her, I want to strangle him. Shake him awake from his deep sleep. Make him apologize. Fix this mess he has caused. 

My sister is crying. And it's all his fault. His neglect is damaging our lives. It is ruining the balance of our home. Killing us slowly. 

And she continues to cry. 

Walking Out

So I planned this whole girl's night for all my friends. We've been trying to plan this event for a few days. Going back and forth. One person throwing out ideas and everyone else throwing them down. Each person needs to be accommodated. No one wants to spend money. Then they have to arrange a babysitter. Work around the husband's schedule.

We finally agree on a plan and one person says it's too expensive. Let's all go over to her apartment and rent a movie. Seconds later, one by one, girls start backing out of original plan. So I get annoyed. Why can't we ever just go out. Just us girls. No kids. No husbands calling asking how to change a diaper. I get one girl to say she's still sticking to the original plan and then I say the same. All of the sudden, everyone is back in.

I pick some people up. I'm so excited. Finally a girl's night. Doing something different. Something fun. Stepping out of the box. And then we're all sitting there. The movie starts. And I want to puke. Nudity. Drugs. Language. I feel utterly sick. This isn't how I want to be spending my time. These are not images I want in my head. 

I spend half the time covering my friend's eyes. And we're whispering. We both want to leave. But I drove three people here. And only one other person drove. There's only two cars. Eight people. So I convince one other friend to leave. And in middle of the movie, we walked out. 

I know that they'll talk about me. That I made a big stink of sticking to this plan. But I honestly didn't know what this movie was about. I didn't know it would be this disgusting. It's not something I find ok. Not behaviors I would promote. So why would I want these images to be in my head. 

Man plans and God laughs.

Defeated

Babies babies. My childhood best friend just had a baby girl. I'm mixed with so many emotions. I'm thrilled for her. She deserves only good things. Two friends of mine are in their ninth month. They've both been waiting a long time. Getting pregnant was a struggle. I'm so happy about their joy and excitement. Babies.

My father has not spoken to us for over a week. It's like living in a house with a ghost. He comes home and goes straight to sleep. When we go into our room, he comes out and goes downstairs. He can never be on the same floor as us. 

I spoke to a friend about D. We have never really talked about what happened in the past. She basically told me that she knew all along. She wondered why I kept going back. How I've said so many times before that this is it. We're done. What makes this time different. We talked about cheating and morals and being Jewish in your core. 

I've been listening to old CDs. CDs that bring strong memories of the past. Of people. I haven't been able to paint. I have been thinking a lot. Contemplating. I wish I could really feel my emotions. I wish there were tears. When is the last time I cried. 

Itching at your fingertips

Do you ever listen to this cd

Does it hit you

Strike you straight in your heart 

Do you avoid these songs

These lyrics 

Do you remember

What the words mean 

What the words do

Do you feel the words in your soul 

Crawling on your skin 

Itching at your fingertips 

Does this cd take you back 

To moments no one knows 

Secrets 

Hidden moments 

Do you remember what this cd does 

What these songs represent

The power of the verses 

And the beat 

What the beat does 

Do you still feel it 

Sister

Life long friend

Childhood companion

Loyal ally

Bed mate 

Clothes borrower

Tickle attacker 

Mirror hogger

Secret keeper 

Constant

Faithful

Dependable 

Loving 

Caring 

Forever 

Sister