Showing posts with label Release. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Release. Show all posts

Friday, January 15, 2016

permanently agitated

Am I agitated because my head hurts
Or does my head hurt because I'm agitated
Questions I ask myself
Every single day
Does everything have to feel
Like it's falling apart
Collapsing around me
Curve balls being thrown
Directly at my face
Tripping me as I move
Is the anger real
Or is it chemical imbalance
Am I kidding myself
Not going to therapy
No antidepressants
Faking this positive life
Suffocated by my own thoughts
Unable to handle real emotion
All sadness masked
Expressed as anger
Bubbling at the surface
Internal discomfort
Emotional immobility
Can't a girl catch a break
No pain
For a few minutes
No aggravation
For one day
Support
Attention
Love
Wouldn't that be nice
To feel like you belong
And not constantly abandoned
Over and over again
When will the agitation end
In others
Myself
Tell me. When.



Wednesday, June 24, 2015

#SummerOfMe

Had the most fabulous 24 hours.

Left work. Accident didn't bother me. Drove into a raging storm. Couldn't see in front of me. Rain was pelting at my windshield. Hailing. Cars were pulled over to the side of the road. Tree branches falling on the highway. My GPS died. But I didn't care. I just kept driving. Heading towards my destination. Knowing that it would be worth it. 

Driving into Atlantic City was thrilling. Seeing all the hotels. The lights. Shining through the fog. The grey sky. Parking in Bally's hotel parking lot. Walking through the casino. Bright lights everywhere. Gamblers all around. I finally made it to the 38th floor and saw my friend. We haven't seen in each other in three years. We hung out in the room for a while. Ate. Changed clothes. Some makeup. Cat-eyes.

Gambling isn't my thing. But watching all the people throw away money is quite fascinating. I see why it's addicting. R gambled so we got free drinks. Cranberry vodka for me. It was so freeing to drink. No responsibilities. No car to drive home. Letting go. Unwinding. She gambled while we waited for the club to open in Caesar's. 

The club was pretty empty when we got there. Fine with me. I've been desperate to dance. Itching to move my body. For so long. No one ever wants to go with me. Second cranberry and vodka. Little cranberry. Lots vodka. Dancing like there's no tomorrow. Tipsy. Music blasting. Hot as hell. Club starts filling up. Moving. Shaking. Dancing. Feeling. One with the music. Fireball whiskey. Shot number one. Sweating. Hands in the air. Music is life. Music is soul. Fireball whiskey. Shot number two. Drunk. Dancing. 

This morning. We sat by the beach. Right outside the hotel. It was amazing. Talking about life. Hardship. Reality. In the sun. People watching. Trying not to get attacked by seagulls. Feet in the water. Sand. Writing. Reading magazines. Chatting about nonsense. Talking serious. Living in the moment. Summer of me. Indulging. Friendship. 

It was time to end our awesome day together. Driving today was so amazing. The weather was so beautiful. Total difference from yesterday. Perfection. Windows down. Music blasting. Sunglasses. Singing at the top of my lungs. Tanning my arms. Was probably the most relaxing drive. I really needed that time on my own to just breathe. Speeding down the highway. Not a care in the world. 

This is exactly what I needed. Indulging. Taking care of my inner child. Release. Breathing. 




Friday, June 5, 2015

A letter

Going cold turkey
Day by day 
Step by step 
Moving forward 
No more
Miss that 
Constant
Attention
Vulnerability 
Intensity
Letting go
Being myself 
Understood 

No goodbyes. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Accountability

It seems self awareness is not enough. Instead, how bout we go to three different therapists. The goal is to find meaning in something. In life. To find accountability. To actually be held accountable. By someone else. From yourself. Setting goals is a scary thing. Once they're set, they need to be completed. No backing out. Must choose to face reality and not hide behind distractions. Cut off the ball and chain that has always been dragging behind. Take one step forward. Instead of the constant million steps back.