Shock to the System

Am I missing something
Is there some sort of message
Should I read into it
Another slap in the face
One more punch in the gut

Have I not come back
Repented
Mended my ways
Chosen life
Follow the straight path

Is this what I get
Deserve
For being careless
Wanting to be free
Living outside the box

How long will I pay
Constant reminders
Receiving these shocks
Lightening bolts
Of what was

Perhaps this is it.
Onward march.

65 Years and Counting....

Last night I went to my community's event for Yom Hazikaron and Yom Haatzmaut and I was so overcome with pride for our people. Although not all the shuls participated, there was a huge mix of people from all walks of life. At the end of the program, one of the Rabbis started to sing and form a circle. I was so proud of my dad who joined in. Each person in the circle had a different form of dress and a different type of head covering. There was a Lubavitcher, a Rabbi in a black hat, my dad in a suede Kippa, a teenager in a white kippah sruga.... You get my point. It was so beautiful.

I just want to say that there can be achdus. We can get along. We can put aside our differences and support one another, even if we don't have the same lifestyles, minhagim or viewpoints. We should be proud of the Jewish People's accomplishments.

I am proud to be a Jew! I am proud to be an Israeli. I wish I could be there now.

Am Yisrael Chai!

Pressing Accept

We were complicated. We were best friends and liked mostly a lot of the same things. We could have a great time together. Like tell each other anything. But when it came to the aspect of marriage, I think that's where we were so different and didn't agree on many things. We had very different upbringing and schooling. So while we had some really great moments, the fundamental stuff was so different and we kept knocking heads.

 

I always said (and he agreed) that we would have made great best friends and I miss his friendship sometimes. We just couldn't pull off being married to each other. So yeah, I have a ton of great memories. But I also have a lot of bad memories. I used to be pretty dramatic and very depressed. So that mixed in with his lack of ability to communicate was a deadly mix.

 

It's difficult running into him with his new family. But I make sure to put a smile on my face. I will always be cordial, even if the same courtesy is not rewarded back. I don't want to appear as the pathetic one who hasn't moved on with my life. I have moved on and I am finally happy. Seeing him gives me a mix of emotions. I am happy for him that he has the life he always wanted (I hope/assume) but I also wonder if we gave up too easily. And then I take a step back and cherish my happiness and my freedom. I remind myself that I wasn't happy and it was obviously not meant to be.

 

And now that I have moved on and am taking the next step. I am so lost. No. Lost is the wrong word.  I am at a roadblock. I want to get remarried. I want to build a family. I want someone to love me for me. But why is it so hard for me to take the necessary steps to get there? What is holding me back? It's not him. Not anymore. My cheeky answer may be that I like my own bed and the toilet seat down but those are just silly reasons. I can't bring myself to try and get to know someone new. The idea of letting a stranger into my life baffles me. I can't fathom how it'll work.

 

I just figured it out. I don't want to change. Not that I don't want to or can't mold to another. I don't want to lose myself and become someone else. For the first time (maybe ever) I am confident and happy with who I am and I don't want to lose myself.

 

It seems it is easier to just avoid the whole thing. But where will that get me? Nowhere. How will I end up? Alone. So that's it. No more avoidance. Pressing accept.

Dear Ma

It's hard to see you cry
You are so overwhelmed
So much pain
Etched on your face

Been through so much
Lived a life filled
With difficulty
And struggle

Awaiting death
With open arms
Pleading
To be set free

And yet you hold on
Keep swallowing
Those pills
Plugging through each day

I'm sorry you
lost your mother
Please
Don't take mine too

I love you.

The Plan

I can be healthy
I want to eat well
I will exercise

You Mope

Your mood cannot affect me
I am calm
At peace
With how I feel

You can be
As passive aggressive
As you choose
It does not affect me

You can grunt
And groan
And seek attention
But I will ignore you

Your behavior
And attitude
Do not determine
How I feel

You are free
To be moody
And depressed
It will not alter me

You mope away
I am at peace.